-Alexi-

RAYE sat next to me even though I was not permitting her. We both fell silent, looking at nowhere. Seconds passed, and through my peripheral vision, I saw her exhale a plume of smoke, fleeting against the inky blackness of the night. Nakakapagod na araw. Second night of being here in Zone 12. The sky is dark with a few stars peeking through the clouds. Mula dito'y naririnig ko ang ingay mula sa arena. I wonder how many fighters have died there.

"Why do you care?" Balik kong tanong. My voice remained low.

Narinig ko lang ang mahinang pagtawa nito. "No offense. Mukha kang hindi kayang makapatay ng lamok. I mean you look weak, you looked like you can't even take a punch. Most of the Hunters are trained killers. Bihira lang ang nakakatakas sa kanila ng buhay"

My face remained lifeless as I held my gaze up to stare at the sky. "Yeah, I may look like that but I couldn't count how many times I got beaten by some people and almost died yet I escaped death" saglit na nagbalik tanaw sa ala ala ko ang Art of Death. Iyon ang unang beses na may nanakit sa akin ng gano'n. Hindi lamang suntok, sampal, sipa ang natamo ko kundi pati saksak. The pain was still vivid tho. All the pain that a human can feel struck on my body, you're carrying it all while running for your life.

I looked at Raye, her eyes were fixed straight on the big fountain at the center. "Sa tono ng boses mo mukhang pinahirapan kayo ng matindi sa Sonkan" hinithit nito ang dulo ng sigarilyo at nagpakawala ng usok. "Kung sabagay, hindi lang naman pag-aaral ang gagawin mo don"

"We experienced purging" mahina kong sambit. My tone was covered with sadness. Natigilan ito kasabay ng pagpinta ng gulat sa kanyang mukha. Silence hung between us for a few seconds as she processed my words. I turned back my gaze at nowhere. "If you haven't heard of it," I began, "you wouldn't wish to go there. They brought us to a fake city...to die." The memories of the Purging are buried deep in my mind, but they clawed their way back to the surface. Raye's focus fixed to mine as she retreated from shock. "We had to stay there for 15 days and..." My teeth clamped down on my lower lip, preventing myself from crying as my heart felt clutched. "I managed to survive but I watched my friends die there"

Nanatili lamang tahimik si Raye, nakikinig. I don't even know why I had to blab these things gayong hindi ko naman siya gaanong kilala. Maybe you felt a little better when you opened up to a stranger.

Tumayo ako at mapait na ngumiti kay Raye. Nagbabadya ang luha sa aking mata ngunit pinigilan ko itong tumulo. "I may look weak, but I survived purging where 1/3 of Sonkan's population died there." My voice turned serious. "So there's no way I wouldn't manage to escape those Hunters. And you know what I did..." I leaned my face forward, leaving an inch closer. "I killed one of them"

Pagkasabi ko no'n ay tumalikod na ako at naglakad palayo. Leaving Raye there, speechless, stunned by my confession. I will never be proud that I killed a person but I don't like the way her shallow assessment on me. She hadn't grasped even slightest part of my life for her to judge me casually. Sa paglalakad ay nakita ko si Fare. Tinawag ako nito at patakbong lumapit sa akin. I told her we need to get back with the women's quarters bago pa kami maabutan ng lights off kaya 'yon ang ginawa namin.

Tatlong buwan.

Lumipas ang tatlong buwan na nandito kami sa Zone 12. Paulit ulit na umiikot ang buhay sa same na routine. Kakayod, magbabanat ng buto sa umaga at makikipag agawan ng matutulugan sa Capitol sa gabi. Naging isa akong labandera na sumasahod ng kakarampot sa isang linggo. Kulang pa 'yon sa pagkain ko sa isang araw pero wala naman akong magawa dahil 'yon ang trabahong sa tingin ko'y mananatili kaming ligtas at walang sinasaktang ibang tao. My morals still clung to me like a lifeline despite the hardship of this world causing us. I haven't lost my sanity yet to become evil. But hopelessness and sadness coated my heart.

I heaved a deep sigh as another day welcomed us. Hila hila ko sa aking likuran ang dalawang malaking timba na may lamang damit na babanlawan. May tali 'yon at nakapatong sa malapad na kahoy na may gulong para hindi mahirap hilahin kahit mabigat. Para kaming nasa lumang kabihasnan. We washed clothes all day without using any machine. Mano mano namin silang kinukusot hanggang magsugat ang kamay at wala ring gripo dito. Kailangan namin mag-igip. I may have faced near death experience but I'd never experience a hardship like this.

Nakarating ako sa poso negro kung saan babanlawan ang mga damit. Nilapag ko ang dalawang palanggana na bitbit ko sa isang kamay sa lupa at pumunta sa handle ng poso para simulang mag-igib ng tubig. Nadatnan ko doon si Fare na nagbabanlaw ng damit. Her face devoid of expression, masking the weariness. Her fair skin was now tanned, darkened by sunlight. Exhaustion etched into her features.

"I hate this life." She lifted her gaze at me as her eyes started to get teary. Binitawan niya ang damit at binalik sa pagkakababad sa tubig. Inangat nito ang dalawang kamay. "My hand hurts. We always do this every day. My mom never made me do laundry. We have tons of washing machines, and our maids are the ones who do all the laundry." Her voice trembled as if the words had been bottled up inside her, and finally took this time to burst it all. "Is this the exchange of living, Lex? We're more like slaves"

That struck me.

I can't answer that question because I, don't know what to answer. We're alive yet we're dying slowly. Sa lupa ay may namuong putik. May mababaw na hukay doon at may tubig ito. Nasisinagan ito ng liwanag kaya nakikita ko ang aking repleksyon. Ni hindi ko na maalala ang huling beses na ngumiti ako. My lips are dry, and if you stretch, it might bleed. Dark circles were visible under my eyes; my hair resembled a tangled broom, my cheekbones sharpened because of loss of weight, and my skin turned tanned. I looked exhausted and weary. I couldn't recognize my own face. My clothes are like a dirty rag. My eyes are lifeless. There's no emotion filled in.

Binalik ko ang tingin kay Fare. "Ang mahalaga buhay tayo, Fare" my voice held firm. Reminding her to see the silver lining despite of what we're going through.

Mapait itong natawa at umiling. "Maybe I'd rather die. I don't think It's living anymore" tumayo ito at saglit na iniwan ang dalawang palangganang may mga damit na babanlawan niya. "Babalikan ko lang ang iba pang mga damit don" sambit nito bago naglakad palayo.

Nagsimula akong magbanlaw ng mga damit. Ganito ang ginagawa namin araw araw. Maghapong naglalaba, nagbabanlaw, nagpapatuyo ng damit. All of it was from the soldier. It's their uniform. Araw araw may sundalong naghahatid ng ilang kilong maruruming damit nila. Kaming mga trabahador ni boss Esther ay walang ibang gagawin kundi labhan 'yon lahat. Hindi ko alam na aabot ako sa ganitong punto. Na daig ko pa ang mababang uring alipin. I may be the least favorite daughter among the family but my parents never let me to get tired like this.

Kahit noong nanirahan ako sa bahay nila Harrile, hindi pa ako napagod ng ganito.

"Bitiwan nyo ako!" My head snapped towards a woman being dragged by soldiers. Nagpupumiglas ito ngunit mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa kanya ng mga sundalo. Perhaps she was sick. They arrested sick people here, treating the illness as a crime.

"She's pregnant" my gaze lifted to the woman who just arrived. It was Raye. Hila hila nito ang isang malaking palanggana na may gulong sa ilalim. Mukhang nandito siya para magbanlaw.

"Pregnant?" I echoed, a furrow creasing my brow.

Tinapat nito ang timba sa poso at sinimulang bombahin 'yon. "You can't be pregnant here. They'll kill your baby, destroy your whole reproductive system to make sure you can no longer have babies" seriousness laced in her voice as her words hanging in the air like a death sentence.

My eyes blinked in disbelief, my mouth slightly agape. My head shook unconsciously in protest. I know Sonkan is brutal in many ways but I couldn't digest how they can kill even an unborn child inside someone's womb. How merciless.

"H-how did you know?" I asked. I'm usually careful with Raye, avoiding personal questions. She doesn't know our real age and the reason why we were thrown here even though we're not yet in our 30s. I'm just wondering because there's no way she would know that unless..."Did you get pregnant before?"

Saglit na natigilan si Raye. I suddenly wanna swallow my tongue, regretting my insensitive question. I saw a glimpse of sadness flash in her eyes, but it vanished quickly. Nagpatuloy sa pagbobomba ng tubig si Raye, playing it cool, making it look like the question didn't affect her. "I did" sagot nito. Guilt clawed at my heart. I shouldn't have asked that. "It's just a fetus. They killed it and shoved a machine or whatever sh*t it's called inside me to rip my uterus, ovaries...everything that could make me pregnant again"

Nang mapuno ang timba ay binuhos niya ito sa palanggana saka sinalin doon ang mga damit para banlawan. My heart couldn't help to ache for her. "But it's okay..." She looked at me, showing a wide grin. "At least I won't have monthly periods anymore"

I grimaced, my face slightly twisted. Alam kong sinasabi niya lang 'yon upang tapalan ang sakit na dulot ng nangyaring 'yon sa kanya. I've known her for three months and one thing I noticed, she built a wall of toughness around herself. Ayaw nitong pinapakita na mahina siya. She may have a cunning personality but everyone's has vulnerability.

Lumipas ang isang oras at dumako ang tingin ko sa pwesto ni Fare. Hindi pa ito bumabalik. Nananatiling nakababad ang mga damit sa basin na dapat babanlawan niya. Natapos akong magbanlaw at gano'n din si Raye. Nilagay namin ang mga damit sa timba para ihatid sa sampayan. Magkasabay kami ni Raye na pumunta doon. Isa lamang 'yong malawak na lupa kung saan may mga alambreng nakahilera. May iilang labandera din kaming naabutan doon. Most of the people working under Boss Esther are women.

The afternoon sun beat down, the heat was unbearable but not that hot enough to burn our skin. I sighed at the sight of a massive pile of fabric I needed to hang. It might take forever before I get finished.

"Who's the father?" I asked, breaking the silence, and gave a quick glance at Raye. Nagtatanong ang mga mata nito nang tumingin sa akin. "Of your baby?" Dugtong ko. I didn't mean to pry into her past, just finding a random topic to be conversed about. In that way, I could ignore the stares I'm getting from some of the women here.

Piniga ni Raye ang damit na kinuha sa timba saka ito pinagpagan bago isampay. I thought she'll dismiss the question since it took her a few seconds before she answered. "I honestly don't know. Madalas akong makisiping sa iba't ibang sundalo noon. I sleep with them so I can earn money" the words casually slipped through her tongue as if the identity of her unborn child's father held no significance at all.

"Kung gano'n nagbebenta ka ng laman sa kanila?" Pagkukumpirma ko.

Umangat ang gilid ng labi nito at saglit akong tinapunan ng tingin. "You can say that" kumuha ulit ito ng sumunod na damit saka piniga bago isampay sa manipis na alambre. "Lahat mahirap dito sa Zone 12. Lalo na ang kumita ng pera kaya dadating ka sa puntong lahat gagawin mo"

That made me silent. Lost of words. If life pushed me to the same desperate brink, would I make the same choices? Will I do everything for money so I can survive? The thought settled in my mind. It never crossed me that someday I'll be desperate for money.

Gusto ko pa sanang dugtungan ang aming pag-uusap ngunit saglit 'yong nawaglit dahil sa pagdating ni Fare. May dalawa itong kasamang babae, mga labandera din gaya namin. Mukhang may pinag-uusapang nakakatawa ang dalawa niyang kasama at nakikitango lang ito. Bahagyang umuunat ang kanyang labi para makitawa din sa kanila. As for Fare, she became distant with us or I'd rather say, with me. I don't know who are the ladies she always accompanies with but it's the same people she always talk to. She rarely talk to me. If she does, she'll just vent out that she hate how her life turned to be.

Paminsan minsan sumasama siya sa amin ni Raye kumain ng hapunan sa Capitol pero ramdam ko ang paglayo ng loob niya.

"Kung ako sa'yo, bantayan mo yang kapatid mo" my gaze moved back to Raye. Nakapinta ang makahulugang ngiti sa kanyang labi. "Lalo na sa mga taong sinasamahan niya"

"Kilala mo ba sila?" I pressed, my tone sharp with urgency. Oo nga pala, ang alam ni Raye ay magkapatid kami ni Fare.

"Not personally" sagot nito. "But I know they're associated with the people I used to work with"

"Work with?" she cut me off by giving me a light tap on my shoulder.

"Basta bantayan mo ang kapatid mo" she warned. "Kung ayaw mo siyang mapahamak"

Ang huli niyang sinabi ay naging palaisipan sa akin. With the finality of our conversation, pinatong nito ang dalawang timba sa de-gulong na kariton at tinulak ito. I watched her slender figure walked away, leaving until she dissapeared through the crowd. Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Fare. Nagsimula na din itong magsampay. Saglit na nagtagpo ang mga mata namin ngunit agad din siyang umiwas ng tingin.

Dinner time. At the Capitol's dining hall. We're here gathering. Gaya ng inaasahan ay binati kami ng maingay na mga taong parang bubuyog na nagkukwentuhan. Sa tatlong buwang pananatili dito pare parehas lang ng grupo ng tao ang mga nakakasalamuha namin. The group of Hunters are always present. Kung may makikita kang maingay sa hanay ng table row at maraming pagkaing nakahain sa kanilang mesa ay madali mo lang mahuhulaan kung sino sila. Sa oras ng hapunan nakikita ang iba iba't klase ng mga tao base sa kanilang estado. Kabaligtaran ng mga Hunter ay mga taong kapos sa pera.

They're not tagging along with the groups and they don't eat together in one table. You'll just find them sitting in a random chair, eating alone. Enduring the taste of the food they always get if it's free or what little they can afford. Karamihan sa kanila'y matatanda na. Wala ng sapat na lakas para magtrabaho. Raye walked towards the vacant table she spot on. As we sat, she held out her hand, her palm open.

"Akina ang pera mo. Bibili na tayo ng pagkain" she said. Alanganin kong kinuha ang ilang pirasong barya mula sa bulsa ko at inabot 'yon sa kanya.

She let out a soft chuckle, the sound held an amusement or pity. "Alam mo bang isang saging o mansanas lang ang mabibili nito?" Her gaze met mine. Her eyes glinted with mockery.

"I'm okay with one apple," I said, my voice going colder than I intended.

Maya maya'y bahagya akong nagulat nang may isang tray na may mga pagkain ang lumapag sa mesa. “No need for that. I bought you guys some food,”

Umangat ang tingin ko kay Fare na siyang nagsalita at umupo sa tabi namin. She's beaming a smile at us, showing a full smile I hadn't seen in what felt like forever. My mouth gaped open in surprise; I stared at her, speechless. Sa lumipas na isang linggo ay ngayon nalang ulit siya sumabay sa amin kumain.

Tumaas ang dalawang kilay ni Raye. Gaya ko'y nagulat din siya. I even heard her muttered. "Oh, you're back"

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang mga pagkaing nasa tray. Tatlong plato 'yon. Bawat plato ay may lamang kanin at ulam. I nearly drooled at the sight of chicken. Each of us have one. And we even have desert, settled in the smaller space of the plate. Fare raised a finger to excuse herself. "One sec" sinundan namin ng tingin si Fare nang tumayo ito at naglakad pabalik sa counter.

"Your sister got money" komento ni Raye. She flashed a wide grin. Mukhang siya'y hindi rin makapaniwala. This was expensive food. Kailangan naming itabi ang buong isang buwang sahod sa paglalaba kung gusto naming makabili ng ganitong pagkain. The rice is expensive so is chicken and desert. I only eat porridge every dinner at kapag may extra'ng pera si Raye ay nililibre niya ako ng kanin at isda.

Bumalik si Fare at naglapag ulit ito ng tray. This time it was our drink. May isang pitsel ng juice at tatlong baso ang nandoon. May isa ding mangkok ng grapes ang nasa tray. I eyed her. Suspicion etched on my face. "Where did you get all of this?"

Ngumiti lamang si Fare. Sinimulan niyang tanggalin ang mga plato sa tray at ilapag sa harap namin. Gano'n din ang ginawa niya sa isang tray. "I was hired for a new job" she explained, her smile still in place. "And this is my down payment"

"What's that job?" My tone turned serious. My suspicious look was still glued to her.

Umiling lamang si Fare. Nakapinta padin ang ngiti sa kanyang labi. She must be in good mood. "Hindi na 'yon mahalaga" she said, her eyes meeting mine. "What important is, the job doesn't involve of killing people. Atlis ang perang pinambili ko sa mga to' ay galing sa malinis na paraan. Hindi na tayo magtitiis kumain ng lugaw tuwing hapunan"

Raye started to eat, stabbing the fork to the chicken to get a piece of it. "Madiskarte pala to'ng kapatid mo" matapos niyang malunok ang nginunguya ay tumingin ito kay Fare. "Ano bang trabaho 'yan? Baka gusto mong ipasok ang kapatid mo. Maganda na may iba pa siyang raket bukod sa paglalaba"

Fare's cheerful face shifted, replaced by a look of agitation. She immediately shook her head. "N-no. Hindi na kailangan. B-baka mahirapan lang siya doon"

Her reluctance fueled my suspicion.

"Ano ba? Ang dami nyong tanong. Kumain nalang tayo" Fare changed the subject.

We started to eat silently. I was tired the whole day so hunger consumed me. Ngayon nalang ulit ako makakatikim ng ganitong pagkain mula nang mapunta ako dito sa Zone 12. Habang kumakain ay napansin ko ang pagbaba ng manggas ng longsleeve na suot ni Fare. Nangunot ang noo nang mapansin ang may pagkahalong itim at violet na nagmarka sa itaas na bahagi ng palapulsuhan niya. Nang mapansin ni Fare na nakita ko 'yon ay agad nitong binaba ang manggas at nagpatay malisya.

I sipped my juice as my gaze fixed on her. Questions swirled in my mind, leaving unanswered and unsettling.

What are you trying to hide from me, Fare?

***********

Thanks for reading!