Five meters...

Four meters...

Three...

Two...

One...

Half a meter away from me... was someone waiting outside, there was only a wooden door separating us. I reached out my hand to touch the lock on the door, but I had to lower my hand down.

No...

I can't open this door...

After the day I decided to leave, the same phone number and the only number that called me more often, called again and again, sent me constant messages on LINE, asking me what happened, what happened, why did I suddenly come back without telling him anything?

After that, those messages turned into questions....

'Where did you go?'

'Why aren't you answering?'

'Are you angry?'

'Can you come and see me?'

I didn't open those messages, but I could read them from the notifications. Phi Fah didn't send a message, they were just questions...normal for a Phi to worry about his Nong.

He didn't answer the calls either.

Two days have passed since that day.

And now...

"Phoon, go out and go see Phi Fah."

"..."

"Phoon."

"..."

"Can you come out and talk?"

"¿.....?"

The sound of knocking on the door and a familiar voice could be heard at intervals. I stood in front of the door, only a few steps away from Phi Fah, but in reality we were far apart.

I can't open this door... I can't do it... Phi Fah... I, I'm sorry.

I pressed my lips tightly together and let the tears fall again. I don't know how long it's been, but my tears haven't stopped since I left his room that day. It was as if I was the darkness that disappeared when the sunlight shone on me. When I opened my eyes, what I found was that...the darkness was gone....

I didn't eat anything except the snacks left in the room. I didn't go anywhere and I didn't want to go out either. I stayed in my room all day and all night with the guilt, the loneliness eating away at me, the hopelessness, and my heart that was already broken....

Because my room was the back room. I looked out the window and saw that the clouds in the sky were getting darker and darker.

The sky was about to cry.....

Can you not cry today?

Because I've already cried for all of you.

"Aren't you going to answer me?"

"..."

"Phoon...do you hate me?"

I raised my hand to cover my mouth and cried even harder, collapsing on the ground helplessly, biting my lips hard, not caring about the pain at all, to hold back my cries.

No...

No way...

I will never hate you.

Even if I die,

I'll still love you...

"Phoon, are you listening? I don't know what I did wrong or if I did something that upset you... tell me. Ever since we met, I just wanted to take care of you, so I could make up for all the years we were apart."

"Is it because I didn't take good care of you?"

Phi Fah, don't blame yourself, please... please, please, please, please, please blame me, it's my fault, it's my fault. I beg you... Phi Fah didn't do anything wrong. I don't even deserve to be by your side.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

My hands began to tighten, I moved to grab my hair and pulled it hard without realizing it. I deserve to suffer, I deserve to suffer even more....

Not long after, the rain began to fall, further covering the voices of the people on the other side.

Go back.

Phi Fah, go back.

Please... You don't deserve to be here.

Please... Go back. Go back to where you belong. Don't waste your time anymore.

"Go back."

"Phoon..."

"How long are you going to bother me? You can go back."

"...Phoon."

"Go back. I don't want to say anything else to you."

"Are you that mad at me? Can you tell me why you're mad? Can we talk about this a little... please?"

"You're annoying. Don't act like you're worried. Please get out of my room already."

"Oh... Yeah, okay. Well, then... I'm leaving."

Before the sound on the other side of the door disappeared... it became the sound of rain that was louder than anything I could hear at that moment, including my own crying that was so soft.

I didn't even have the strength to cry anymore....

This is good, good... Phi Fah is gone.

Please... don't get wet in the rain.

"Travel... carefully."

One hour...

Two hours...

One day...

One week...

Two weeks...

Time passed without you by my side. Whether it was a clear day or a gloomy day, the sun rose and set the same every day. What I like to do is watch the time go by and nothing changes.

It's just... without you, you're back to being the unreachable sky.

No... He was always the unreachable sky. All the time.

I did not communicate with anyone after that day. Each day passed with difficulty.

I didn't even talk to Aunt Nuan. I didn't talk to my father either. I guess he was only concerned about whether I would follow his orders or not, so he called me many times.

At least I could go out to eat my fill. Even if it wasn't a full meal, I could go back to tending the plants that were starting to wilt because I didn't water them. I could go out and take pictures of the sky like I usually do. Some nights I couldn't sleep, had nightmares and cried.

But it happened... like all the times before.

Like I said, it wasn't that good, and it wasn't that bad. I always try to make every day have at least one good thing. In the past, I would stop by to feed the stray dogs near the school, help the old lady at the fruit store, and help the teacher carry things.

Small actions that made me feel valuable. Just these little things were enough to make me want to go on living.

Today, it is still like that. I buy food for the stray cats near the dorm every day. But I don't know if there is anything else I can do. Is planting trees considered a good deed? No... At least it helps produce oxygen.

Maybe I can help someone breathe better.

Time helped me get better, not much, but I didn't cry myself to death like the first three days after Phi Fah left.

I followed the university website and saw that the medical school was having a volunteer camp activity. It looked like Phi Fah and his friends were going too. Being able to watch from a distance, and see that Phi Fa was okay, was enough.

I blocked Phi Fah's LINE, both on my phone and Torfan's phone. Of course, that was the last thing my father had emphasized.

I went back to the room after watering the plants. The same song had been on repeat for almost an hour. I thought it wasn't a sad song, but one that just made me think of my loneliness, and I liked it. I didn't want to turn it off or change the song.

🎵 You're the light I'm the shadow on the wall when you sleep Everything that I need is right here with me Come to me All that I can say's already said I come to you There is one word that I can't forget Goodbye... Good goodbye Little time not a moment wasted with you I realized, to stay, we had to break away Little time not a moment wasted with you 🎵

Goodby Good Goodbye - One OK Rock

My phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw it was Aunt Nuan's number. She is the housekeeper who has taken care of me and Torfan since we were kids.

"Yes?"

[Phoon, how are you?]

"I'm fine. How about you, Aunt Nuan?"

[I'm fine. How have you been? Since you went there we haven't talked much. Why don't you call me?]

"...I'm sorry, I don't have any free time right now."

[It's okay. Have you gotten used to the dormitory yet?]

"I'm starting to get used to it."

[Where are you going to eat? Is there a restaurant near there?]

I talked to Aunt Nuan for a while. She asked me how I was doing, something my father never did. That made me feel indescribably happy. I didn't call her much because I didn't want to bother her that much. After my house went up for sale, all the housekeepers were laid off. Although we were close, we were not related. I didn't want to bother her.

[Will you go back home? Aunt is currently taking care of everything.]

"I'll probably come back. When will Dad sell the house?"

[He said he would sell it as soon as possible.]

"Then I'll come back quickly, because the semester is about to start."

[That's great. If you come, tell me.]

"Ah... Aunt Nuan will come to the house today?"

[I'll come.]

"Then I'll come today."

[Right now?]

"Yes."

[Then do you want me to pick you up from the airport?]

"Okay."

[Okay, then I'll do it. How long will it take you to get here?]

"I won't be long. I'll call you again once I've booked the ticket."

[Okay.]

____

I came out of the crowded airport and saw Aunt Nuan standing there, waiting. That was the sight that made me smile. I walked up to her and hugged her right away.

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Just a while."

"Thank you for being here."

"You're welcome." I followed her to a rather old van.

"Auntie's car is a bit old. Is Phoon okay?"

"Yes, Auntie, it's fine." I said with a small smile.

I got into the car and sat in the passenger seat. If possible, I want my parents to be as nice as Aunt Nuan. Once that house is sold, we probably won't see each other again.

Not only will the house full of my memories disappear, but the people I used to remember will also disappear.

"What will you do when the house is sold, Aunt Nuan?"

"Me? I'll probably go back to my home in the province. I won't work or do anything else. I'm old and can't stand it."

"That's good. You'll get some rest."

"Would you like to visit the temple for a moment?"

"Um, if it's not too much trouble, could we stop by on our way?" I said.

Then the car pulled into the temple parking lot. We both stopped to buy some flowers and went inside together.

I used to come here a lot earlier. If I told people that the cemetery was my favorite place, it would sound strange, but what can I do? When the person I love is here.

"Aunt Nuan."

"Yes."

"Do you think it's possible... that Dream... is still here?"

"... Ah." My words made the person walking beside me stop for a moment. "I... I don't know."

"Why do you ask?"

"Nothing."

"... It's okay."

After placing the flowers in front of the photo, I still wanted to stay here a little longer. Aunt Nuan said she would wait in the car because she thought I would rather be alone with Torfan. I sat down without fear that my eyes would fill with tears, as I looked at my sister's photo.

"I'm back." I said softly and smiled slightly.

"Do you miss me? I'm sorry I can't bring you flowers every day like I used to. You must get lonely without someone to talk to, right? Fa , you'll be lonely too if you stay with me."

I always do this, I would talk to Dream as if she was sitting and listening right in front of me. Because no one around here comes here often. For other people, it might be scary, but for me, it's not scary at all.

"You said you were happy to read my letters. Honestly, I don't know if it was a real dream or just my imagination."

"But thank you for being by my side."

"If it was a real dream, does that mean you haven't gone anywhere?"

"...Are you still worried about me? I'm the one who made you unable to go anywhere, right?"

"Oh, young man. I haven't seen you in a long time." The gruff greeting made me turn to Uncle Yot, who offered to clean the temple next door. I immediately clasped my hands together to greet him.

"Yes uncle. It's just that I'm in college now."

"Oh, that's right. Uncle's been distracted. How are you?"

"He's good. I haven't gotten used to it yet though." I smiled, saying that since I come here often, I get to see Uncle Yot often. Uncle Yot said that since he started cleaning here, he had never seen anyone visit the cemetery as often as I do. "How are you, Uncle?"

"I'm fine, nothing important," he said as he sat down on the bench, exhausted. He was already very old. The reason he kept coming to help at the temple was because after returning from his day job, he didn't know what to do. His wife left him with his son many years ago. The story of Uncle Yot's life that he told me made me realize that sometimes life is not beautiful, but we have to move on.

Uncle Yot found some happiness by helping to clean the temple, sweeping leaves, collecting garbage and taking care of the graves of many important people. It may not be much, but it was enough to keep some people alive.

It's probably no different than what I do every day, to stay alive and to look forward to seeing the sun again in the morning of a new day.

"I have to go now."

"Um, good luck."

"Thank you."

I clasped my hands together in a wai before walking back towards Aunt Nuan who was standing by the car.

We walked back to our house in the familiar area of the village. The road, the house, the people, almost nothing had changed. No matter how many times I think about it, it still makes me sad. If this house were sold...I would have no home to return to.

The marble table and chairs where we like to sit and play, the lawn, the walkway, the stairs in front of the house, the wooden door, the wall where we used to write in secret, the living room where we like to sit together, every place in the house, everything is full of memories.

How can they sell this house?

I went upstairs and opened the door to look into Torfan's bedroom. It was heartbreaking that everything was gone and only an empty room remained.

Because the owner of this room was gone .... everything in this house was gone too.

"What do you want to do with the rest of Fan's belongings?"

"You can donate the things that can still be used."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Torfan would be happy if she knew her things could be used by others," I said with a small smile.

"Nong Phoon..."

"Yes?"

"In fact..." Aunt Nuan approached me, lowered her head and spoke softly.

"I don't know if I should say that, but... I knew from the beginning that Nong Phoon was not the biological son of this family."

"You...you knew?", I asked in shock. My heart began to beat irregularly. I felt a knot in my stomach.

"Yes. At that time, Nong Phoon must have been sleeping. Auntie and Nong Torfan heard that your father and the mother arguing. At that time, we were both very surprised. Auntie thought Nong Torfan would be angry. But she smiled and said..."

"What did she say?"

"Don't tell Phoon."

I pressed my lips tightly together to contain the feeling in my chest. I had secretly thought that if Torfan knew I wasn't his real brother, would he still love me the same? But the truth was, did Torfan know everything? And she still... loved me just the same.

"And since Nong Fan passed away, everything was wrong. I didn't know what to do. I could only help take good care of you, Nong Phoon..."

"Yes... Aunt Nuan has always taken good care of Phoon."

"You were never the one who ruined the family. Even Torfan herself hasn't thought that way. So don't blame yourself."

... Sob.

"I've been worried all this time. I didn't know how to comfort you because the you always thought no one wanted was you. I'm sorry you went through this, I've seen it since you were a child."

"...Yes Auntie." I sobbed. I bit my lips hard and let the tears fall slowly uncontrollably.

"I love you Phoon, it may not be the love you want, but I want you to know that there are people who love you."

"...."

"It doesn't matter whose son you are, but I was the one who changed your clothes, who made your milk, who took Phoon to preschool, who taught him how to put on his socks, who healed your wounds when you fell, who held your hand to go buy snacks. I always considered you a son."

... Sob.

"Don't look for someone who turned his back on you. Forget about that older person."

"Auntie..." I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried out loud without any shame. "G...thank you, sob, thank you. Phoon loves you, loves you so much...thank you for taking care of me all this time. Thank you."

Aunt Nuan hugged me back and hugged me even tighter. Why...why did I never think to look for love in someone who has never loved me, until I overlooked everything else?

Aunt Nuan hugged me until I stopped crying and reached up to wipe away the tears that covered my face.

"Thank you so much."

"It's okay. Auntie may not be able to help much, but you can talk to me about anything. If there's anything I can help with, I want to help." I smiled.

Inside my heart, I felt an indescribable warmth.

"Don't leave me behind, Aunt Nuan."

If it doesn't rain... the flower won't bloom. For this flower that has been in the rain all the time, it just needs a little light... to bloom slowly.

____

We walked around the house for a while. I spent the whole time trying to remember everything that had happened in this house again, going over the memories because I didn't want to lose anything since this is where we live together. As I said before, it may may not be a warm house, but it was my home.

When I thought everything was okay and I didn't want to bother Aunt Nuan anymore, I asked her to let me go. But Aunt Nuan seemed to have remembered something.

"Ah, right. Auntie has something else to tell you."

"What is it about?" I followed the other person into the warehouse next door, even though I had bad memories of it and still do, which makes me feel bad about coming here.

"You don't need to come in. Just wait a moment. I'll go get you something."

"Okay." I saw Aunt Nuan disappear into the storage room and come out with four cardboard boxes in her hands and put them in front of me. "These are things that Aunt hid and didn't tell anyone because my master ordered me not to. But telling you now, it probably won't hurt you."

"What is this?" I arched my eyebrows and asked.

"I don't know either."

"Ah... oh."

"But they've been sending them to you since you were a year old. They've sent them to you every year in March."

"Every year? In March?" March is my birthday month.

"But there's no sender's name and no sender's address."

"But there is a recipient's name."

My hands began to shake, my heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to burst, I couldn't help but tremble. I slowly sat up and reached out to grab the box in front of me. Or was it... what I thought? I picked up one of the boxes and flipped through it to find the name. I discovered that I had actually written the name of a recipient:

To... Ren

Ren...?