I hurried to put on the sweater, but found that it was too big, just as I thought.

Loose... Very loose... When I put it on, the sweater reached my thighs, but not my knees. The sleeves were also much longer than my arms. That is...

I was wondering how Phi Fah would know my size. He must have bought it just in case. Well, never mind, it's better to have it loose than to have it tight. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like a child in adult clothes. Oh my God! Ifelt bad, why am I so small?

Why didn't I drink more milk when I was a kid? No, I did, I drank a lot, I even took Torfan's milk away. But I didn't grow. Who said drinking milk makes you grow? Did the preschool teachers trick me?

I raised my arm and took a photo to show him that the sweater was very loose. My fingers didn't even stick out of the sleeves. But anyway, I liked it. Anyway, I was glad that Phi Fah bought it for me, even though I couldn't wear it to college.

I wrote a letter and attached a photo as evidence.

Thanks for the sweater, it's very nice but... it's too big (;-;) Sorry. When I was a kid, I should have drank more milk, but even if it's loose on me, I'll wear it anyway. I like it a lot. Thanks again, you're very kind.

____

Buying a sweater as a gift was something unplanned. Having received a letter about a joyful event, I thought that I should buy him a gift. And in the end, it was a sweater. I don't know... Just imagining him wearing the sweater I bought him already makes me feel confident.

I didn't know his size, so I bought the largest size in the collection just in case. If it's loose on him, it doesn't matter, it might even be cuter. Also, I bought the white color because I thought it would fit him. But I didn't think it would be that big... I looked at the Polaroid picture I had just pulled out of the bag. It was a picture of him wearing my sweater with only his arms showing. The sleeves were so long that his hands weren't visible.

Is he really that small?

If the sleeves are not long enough, then the top must be too big for him. When he wears it, it could turn into a dress. I have more information. He's probably not even 170 centimeters tall...

"Fah"

"Hmmmm?"

"Ugh, I've called you three times already," Jo said with an annoyed expression. "What?"

"I asked you where you are going to celebrate your birthday."

"I don't know, it's up to you."

"But it's your birthday."

"As you wish."

"Okay, then we decide." I nodded my head in agreement.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I barely noticed until my friends asked me where we should celebrate. I don't accept gifts from anyone except the four of us because it ends up being too many since so many people send me gifts so I can't handle them all. That's why I refuse to accept gifts from everyone because it's really inconvenient.

"What do you want?" Hill asked. "It's the same problem for us every birthday."

"Yeah, I don't really know what to get. But if you ask me what I want for my birthday, I don't know either," Jo said.

"I don't need anything," I said with a raised eyebrow.

"You don't need to buy anything. We'll have dinner together."

"It's my treat," Hill said. "After all, it's your birthday."

"Then you choose where we have dinner," I replied without worrying. Now I wonder if Little One knows about my birthday. Hmm...

It's nice to call him Little One. It's better than calling him 'he' or 'that guy'.

"Hey," Thit, who was typing next to me, shouted. "Do you feel anything strange?"

"What?"

"Is someone in love," Jo joked. "What's new?"

"Nothing," I said. "We're just chatting."

"Aren't you afraid that he'll disappear?"

"A lot," I answered honestly. "But I don't know what to do to make him feel like he doesn't want to disappear."

"I'm not sure, Fah," Hill said. "There's no guarantee that he won't disappear."

His words made me sigh. In fact, this matter worried me quite a bit since, as I said, nothing is certain between us.

"At least for your own peace of mind, I should let you get a little closer to him," Johan said. "Because right now, my friend isn't himself."

He turned to smile at Hill. Hill nodded. I looked at them, not really understanding.

"Have you ever been like this before?"

"In what way?"

"As if your heart no longer belongs to you."

______

Today is Phi Fah's birthday...

I have prepared a gift for the person in the letter. I bought a Polaroid camera because I wanted Phi Fah to take photos for me. We can share photos from each day, but I don't know if Phi Fah will take them or not. If she doesn't, it's okay because a Polaroid takes beautiful photos anyway. He will definitely use it one day.

"Phoon, are you going to the party?"

"Huh?" I turned to look at Ter who was sitting next to me in surprise. "Me?"

"Yes, it's Phi Fah's birthday. Are you going?"

"Can I come?"

"Sure."

"Um..." I was silent for a while. "Who else will be there?"

"The doctors, me, North."

"Oh." I was silent for a while.

Should I go? If I go, will it be weird? But I wanted to go, although since we talked in letters... mmm... I think Phi Fah... likes me. I don't dare to look at Phi Fah anymore because I'm shy...

When I think about the sentences we talked about, the chocolate Phi Fah bought me, the message attached to the chocolate, including the white sweater I just received, when I think that it was Phi Fah who sent it to me, it's the same Phi Fah I talk to every day, I started to feel nervous. But Phi Fah doesn't know it's me. But I do know... I can't help but feel nervous.

"Do I have to buy a gift?"

"Phi Fah said no," Ter said. "My gift is shared with Phi Hill, North's gift is shared with Phi Jo. Actually, normally, doctors are like the birthday person, they don't really want anything, but other friends will buy it for them anyway."

"... Oh, and me? Do I have to buy it?"

"You can buy something simple, but didn't you prepare a gift?"

"But that's from the person in the letter," I said.

I actually wrapped the gift nicely and wrote a card, but Phi Gip's shop was closed today, so I didn't get anything from Phi Fah and couldn't give him a gift.

"Where are they going to eat?"

"It's just a normal seafood restaurant. Last night, Phi Hill asked me where I wanted to go. I was confused since it's Phi Fah's birthday, so I didn't understand why he asked me. But Phi Fah said it depended on where the others wanted to go, so Phi Hill asked me and Phi Jo would follow Phi Hill, North would follow me."

"...So, in conclusion, everyone is so forgiving?"

"Yes, and I wanted to eat seafood, so we're going to a seafood restaurant."

"Okay." I nodded, indicating that I understood. Foam didn't come to school today because he had something to do with his family.

"So you're going?"

"Okay. Who else is going? North's friends?"

"North said he doesn't believe it because they're not that close to Phi Fah. I feel bad. Plus, the birthday boy didn't get many presents. It'll just be a quiet dinner."

"Do you think I should go?"

"You go to Phi Fah often."

“…But actually, it’s…” I was silent for a while before remembering something. “Okay, I’ll go. I wanted to see him anyway. Besides, I’ve already decided not to run away.”

"Okay, that's great. But after we eat at 10 p.m., we can go back to studying."

"...Why?"

"Phoon, exams are coming up soon."

"Okay, but like I told you, I'm leaving school."

"But you still have to study high school stuff, right? Let's do it together. Come on, studying alone is boring." I nodded slightly at what Ter said.

"After the birthday party, it's really sad to go back to studying."

"Hmm, that's true. Where will we study?"

"The cafe where you got wet in the rain. Mmm, it's raining just like that day today." Ter turned to look out the window.

It was raining heavily. Today was actually Phi Fah's birthday, but it was still raining. This rain was causing problems.

"Do I have to buy a birthday present?"

"That's up to you."

"And you?"

"I already bought the book."

"But I don't have any money," I complained irritably.

I had just bought a Polaroid camera, which was quite expensive. Although I had some savings, I tried to limit my monthly spending, and this month I had already gone over budget.

"Buy something simple."

“How about a notebook?” I suggested my own idea.

"Mmm, that's not bad. Let's go buy it together."

"Alright".

After school, Phi Hill came to pick us up. I asked to stop by to buy a notebook before heading to the restaurant. Luckily, the store had a gift wrapping service. If I had come with an empty, unwrapped notebook, it wouldn’t have looked so nice. However, I wrapped the gift box containing the Polaroid camera myself since I intended to give it to Phi Fah today. But like I said, Phi Gip’s store was closed, so it was still in my bag.

I felt a little surprised when Phi Hill looked at me through the front window with a suspicious look before his gaze disappeared. The car stopped in front of a big restaurant. I thought their seafood must be good. Luckily, the parking lot was covered so we wouldn't get wet in the rain. When I walked in, I looked around and saw Phi Jo, North, Phi Fah, and Phi Arthit sitting together.

"You're very late," Phi Jo said when he saw Phi Hill enter.

"I had to make a stop," Phi Hill replied in a nonchalant tone.

I walked around and sat in the seat furthest to the left because I'm left-handed and in the seat in front of me was Phi Fah, as usual. After we had been writing letters to each other for a while, I recently felt that Phi Fah might… um, have feelings for me. I myself didn’t dare to look at his face again because I was shy. I couldn’t really look at him, I just couldn’t stand it.

Every time I thought about the messages we had talked about, my photos, the chocolates Phi Fah sent me, that box and the sweater I had just received. Just like at the last party, everyone was talking happily, except for me, who wasn't very good at making conversations, except with people I was very close to.

When I sat at this table, I was silent, listening to other people talk, eat, and when something funny happened, I laughed with them. The person sitting in front of me was the same. Phi Fah didn't say much to anyone else, it seemed like this area was a very quiet zone.

"Thit, give me some shrimp," Phi Fah said before Phi Arthit brought a plate of grilled shrimp and passed it to Phi Fah.

Phi Fah took the plate, slowly peeled the shrimp, and placed them on my plate like last time. The same as before...

I nodded slowly as if to say thank you before taking out something else or peeling the shrimp and crab. I looked around. It seemed like everyone was watching us, but no one said anything. They pretended not to see and continued talking. If it was about the letters, only North and Ter knew, but if it was about us being separated for a year, I think everyone would know and be happy not to say anything.

It seemed best to leave it at that... This is good, it means that Phi Fah is not angry or hates me, even though I was so cruel to him, indifferent and hurtful, but…

"...I'm sorry about what happened in the past." I decided to apologize when I thought it was time.

“I’ll eliminate the person on the card first.” Only Phi Tonfah and Tonfah will remain. The relationship between Phi and Nong that had fractured. The one between Tonfah and Typhoon, that cruel person who had hurt Phi Fha even though Phi Fa had always been kind to me. As for my father, I thought I shouldn't rush anything, I would let everything go as it is. But now is the time... The moment for me to apologize... Enough with the guilt of last year, enough with all the pain I've received.

"Yes that's fine"

I pressed my lips tightly together and slowly looked at the other person. Phi Fah gave me a small, kind smile, and it made me unable to help but smile. Besides, my heart was trembling like it always did with him. As we were about to leave the restaurant, everyone said it would be better to give gifts when we got to the cafe, so we went there.

The shop upstairs was the same as before, nothing much had changed. The doctors started taking out books to study, including us. We sat down in the Japanese table area, sitting on the floor and leaning on pillows. Everyone gave Phi Fah presents, and so did I. I handed him the notebook I bought without saying anything. It was a normal notebook wrapped in paper from the store, and I wrote "Happy Birthday" on it.

Phi Fah took it, smiled, and said thank you. That was all... but my heart swelled to the point of floating towards Pluto.

After a while, North invited us downstairs to get something to eat while we waited for our food. We sat downstairs and he took the opportunity to ask me a question.

"Phoon, did you apologize to Fah earlier, at the restaurant?" North asked.

"Hmm, why?"

"I didn't think..."

"Is it too late?"

"No, it's not that. But you let all this drag on for a year... I just didn't think you'd apologize now."

“That’s true, I’ve actually already thought about it. I want to separate my story from the person in the letter first.” I started to explain and made hand gestures to emphasize that I wanted to separate these two states first.

“Fah and I have been Phi and Nong all along, right? Just eliminating the part about liking him for now.”

"Alright."

"Then, when my father's situation came up, I had to stop being Fah's Nong, but now, I've made up my mind. At least I feel like I've had enough of feeling guilty. So I wanted to apologize."

"Ah, what about Dad? What if he finds out you're talking to Fah?"

“Hmm, as for that…” I sighed. “I’ve decided that I don’t live for him.”

My words made Ter and North frown at the same time.

“I had to apologize to Phi Fah, because it’s what I’m supposed to do, but I won’t tell him the truth, understand?”

"Are you sure you don't want to tell him that you're not his real son?

"Yes, I won't say that I'm not his real son because that makes my father look bad. But I will go back to being close to Phi Fah like before. The reason my father doesn't want me to get involved with him is because he's afraid that I'll tell him about his lover. If that's the case, I won't tell him. Whether he trusts me or not is up to him."

"So why are you afraid that your father will order you to transfer to a university?"

"If I sign my own release, he can't do it," I said and sighed. "I'm going to take a serious photography job now. I won't have to bother my father anymore. If the job goes well, I'll have enough money to pay my tuition."

"Seriously, you don't have to worry about money?" North raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, we can lend it to you."

"If possible, I don't want to bother you," I said. "But if the photo shoot doesn't work out, there are other part-time jobs I can. do. Isn't that enough to pay for tuition and other expenses?"

"It's okay, but it will be a little tiring."

"It's okay," I said, smiling. "That's how it should be. I have to apologize. It's the right thing to do."

"I see. Even though Phoon caused the damage, you still want to be someone who can still be in Phi Fah's circle, right?"

"Yes, at least we can talk like before, not just look at each other and not be able to see each other like that."

"What if Phi Fah asks why you disappeared then?" Ter looked worried.

"I'll tell him it was my fault," I said, because I couldn't tell the truth about my father.

"I'm not going to talk about my father at all, because he doesn't want me to talk about him."

"Oh, and what about the letters?"

"Have you ever seen someone you already know secretly like you and send you snacks or letters behind your back, but then act like you're innocent in front of you?" I asked and North nodded immediately.

"Yes, I have seen it with my own eyes these days."

"Oh..." I nodded slightly. "If Phi Fah and I were Phi and Nong again, I would have done it."

"Ah, I understand," said Ter. "So, what would a relationship like that of a lover who sends letters be like?"

"Normal," I replied.

"But if Phi Fah knew then that it was me, I could only hope that he would be okay with it."

"Well, why wouldn't it be okay if it were you?"

"I don't know." I shook my head slightly. "I can't read his mind."

"Well, I think it's good that you apologize, it'll make you feel better about yourself."

"... Why?"

"For example, I had a fight with Ter, Ter made me sad, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. And the truth is, Ter secretly loved me and he secretly sent me things every day until I gave in. And when I found out it was Ter who was secretly sending things, I thought, why did it have to be Ter? Why did it have to be the person I was fighting with?"

Anyway, if it was someone I didn't hate or fight with, it would have been better. That's right, so I was right to apologize. I sighed in relief. At first, I was a little worried when I made the decision, but when North said this, I immediately felt relieved.

"Let's say you're on the right path. You've come to an agreement with your father, right? If he..." North waved his hands back and forth. "Like abandoning you."

"You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you don't even say it."

"If he leaves, I can't do anything," I said according to my feelings.

My father and I have become very distant, and since I now use my own savings and don't ask him for money, we no longer contact each other. Whether it's how I was born, Dream, or everything my father blames me for, I know he just wants me to bear the burden of those guilt, but... none of it is my fault. I didn't choose how I was born. I didn't make Dream die. So I will no longer bear the burden of guilt for something I didn't do.

I used to think that my mother was gone and Dream was gone, so I didn't want to lose my father again. But the truth is...

The person I don't want to lose the most is myself.

My identity, the one my father will never understand, because he never saw me as someone valuable, when in reality, I still have value to me. I still love and respect my father in every way, but we just walked different paths. Because the person who will be with me for the rest of my life... will be just me.

"My tears are flowing like I'm watching my son grow up, damn it." North pretended to squeeze out tears as we climbed the stairs, holding snacks and sweet drinks. "When I first saw you, your eyes were always wet like Bambi's little eyes."

"Really?" I made a face as if I didn't believe it.

"Hey, it's true. I was feeling depressed watching you study veterinary medicine. You didn't seem happy. It's good that you can choose your own path."

"It's true. From now on, if you want any photo shoots, call me."

"Okay, I'll support you."

"Being strong is good, cat," Ter said.

I turned to look because he called me a cat. "Seeing you like this, I know that being yourself is important. Not like North who thinks he's too much."

"What the hell? That's just me."

"Yes, you are you. That's good." Ter gave a small laugh. "And the person who makes us be ourselves when we're with him is also important."

"...I am complete, that's right." And with those words, the first person I thought of... was Phi Fah.

___

"North"

"Yeah?"

"What is this?"

"You still don't understand this?"

Since I was studying high school content, and North is an engineer, he must be good at physics! So I asked him to give me some physics tutoring. For engineers, it must be easy.

"Let's start over. How about this? Find the average value here and replace it with the formula."

"Don't replace the formula yet, better criticize this idiot first."

"What idiot? How can you say this is teaching?"

"I'm just a student, don't make a scene." North rolled up his notebook and tapped me on the head. "Are you raising your voice at your teacher?"

“Oh, you’re a teacher who hurts his students.” I patted my head and listened to North’s teaching again.

North is very good at physics. He may say that he’s not very good at studying, but I actually think he’s good at some subjects. He doesn’t care about the subjects he doesn’t like, so his overall grade is low. So he says he’s not good at studying. The truth is, if he wasn’t good enough, how could he have gotten into engineering? He must have a good foundation.

"If the exam score is low, I will curse you. Don't embarrass the teacher," North said while pointing a pen at my face.

"Yes, Professor," I said the word, annoyed, and secretly glanced at the stressed doctors.

I felt a little annoyed for Phi Fah, it was his birthday. On Thursday, he didn't rest at all. Today I didn't give him any snacks. Otherwise, he would have at least had some snacks. Eh... but maybe there were other things, or something someone else bought for him.

“Today, our friend doesn’t have any snacks,” Phi Jo joked after the atmosphere at the table began to relax.

“The cafeteria is closed, huh?”

"Fah didn't have breakfast today," Phi Hill said. I, who was eavesdropping, was a little surprised. Why didn't Phi Fah have breakfast?

"Why?"

"Normally, he goes to get something they leave there every morning. Today, the store is closed, so he didn't have breakfast."

"Didn't you eat at the store near the college before?" Phi Jo asked.

"I'm not used to it," Phi Fah said without looking at his other friends.

"Going to 7-Eleven to buy milk and snacks costs the same," Phi Arthit said.

"It's not the same," Phi Fah said.

"Hey, why are you guys talking about me?"

“You’re the most interesting topic right now,” Phi Jo said with a smile, intentionally teasing him. I just found out that his friends were teasing him like this. It made me feel embarrassed, as I was eavesdropping. But since the rain outside was too loud, I couldn’t hear very well.

"The rain hasn't stopped yet," Ter said. "It will definitely rain tomorrow."

"Ah, and what about Dao?" I asked, having just remembered. "I was going to ask. I haven't been able to contact Dao for many days."

"Dao is in the hospital."

"Huh? Why?"

"I think he forced himself to work too hard and didn't eat, so he fainted," Ter replied. "I was going to invite them to come visit him tomorrow."

"Boy, he's such a weakling, I'll go and make fun of him tomorrow," North said, raising his eyebrows in an annoyed manner.

Tomorrow, Dao will definitely be teased by North for not eating all day. It will embarrass him and he won't dare to go any longer without eating. It's a good thing.

"Okay, I'm going to use the bathroom for a moment," I said before getting up to go to the downstairs bathroom because someone was using it upstairs.

At first, I was going to ask someone to take me because I'm scared of the dark, but when I saw the light, I thought it was okay. I was a little annoyed that there was only one bathroom downstairs, and it was outside the store, next to the wall. Both men and women can use it because there is toilet and a sink.

The sink is inside. I went inside and locked the door. When I was done, I went outside to wash my hands and get some tissues to clean myself. But as I was about to throw the tissues away, the light in the bathroom started flickering. I started to get scared because it was raining heavily outside. I took long steps towards the door immediately. But...

I couldn't open it!

Why is the latch stuck? As the bathroom light flickered faster, my heart raced faster.

No, no, don't let the light go out. I quickly turned to the door and pushed and pulled. No... If the latch doesn't move, I can't do anything. And finally, the light went out.

iii...!!! .

"Help! Help! Is there anyone outside? Help me!" I screamed without thinking as darkness covered everything. I began to lose control of myself and couldn't help but scream.

No, no, it's dark!

"Open the door, please!! I can't get out!!" I screamed so loud that my throat hurt. My heart was beating so hard that I couldn't breathe anymore.

Sniff, sniff, oh no, sniff...

"No, no no, no more…please noooo!!" I leaned against the bathroom door because my entire body was starting to lose strength. My hands and legs were starting to go numb. When the thunder sounded, I immediately collapsed to the floor.

Sob, sob.

"Help..."

I hugged my knees and covered my ears with my hands. My face was covered with tears that I couldn't hold back. My sanity was fading away...

No, no. Lightning, darkness, not again, not again.

Sniff, sniff.

"Help me. Open the door. Someone..." The sound of rain and thunder outside...

And the darkness within that I was facing...

N-no... I can't take it anymore...

"Help me... Phi Fah, sniff, Phi Fah... Help Phoon, help Phoon, Phoon is sorry, Phoon, he didn't mean to do this. Please help me, Phoon. Not again. It's dark. I can't breathe." I kept asking for forgiveness even though I had already said it.

“Phoon is sorry... Phoon is sorry. Phi Fah, please help me. Don't be angry with me. This time, won't Phi Fah help me out of the darkness? Come back and help me out of here.”

"Phoon!" I heard a knock on the door. It was a voice I was very familiar with..

"… Phi Fah!"

"Calm down."

"Phi Fah, Phi Fah, help Phoon!" Sniff, sniff. I screamed, cried, sobbed, and banged on the door. I felt so relieved and happy that I couldn't explain it. Just hearing that voice made me feel safe.

"Open the door, please."

"I can't open it, I can't open the latch."

“…Damn it,” I heard the person on the other side of the door curse.

“Phoon, get away from the door.”

“…”

I didn’t say anything and slowly walked away from the door as Phi Fah told me. I was startled by the loud bang I heard twice before the door opened. I immediately ran towards the person who had knocked it down.

"Phi Fah... Phi Fah... Phoon was afraid."

“It’s okay… It’s okay now.” Phi Fah hugged me back before gently patting my head. I continued to immerse myself in the person in front of me and continued to cry.

"Phoon... Phoon is sorry. Thank you, thank you."

"It's okay now, Phi Fah is here now."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for everything, Phi Fah, sniff, sniff, Phi Fah, I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to hurt Phi Fah at all. Phoon is sorry, Phoon is sorry..."

"...Yes, Phi Fah understands, don't cry anymore."

"In the past... I've always felt guilty for what I did to you Phi... I did something bad to you..."

Sniff... sniff. I let it all out even though he might not understand anything. I was still crying like a child, like the child from before.

I was still the same Typhoon as before, no matter now or when, I still want Phi Fah. I still want Phi Fah to be by my side, no matter if I'm just a weak child or if I've grown up and become stronger. The day I was so worthless in my own eyes, the day I saw my own worth and was able to stand up, it didn't matter if it was a day when the sky was dark, cloudy and raining heavily, until the day I discovered that the sky after the rain was beautiful.

I still love you... Sniff, sniff.

"Phi Fah, don't be angry with Phoon. Phoon... sob. Phoon won't do it again."

“Yes, Phi Fah is not angry anymore.” Phi Fah reached out to gently wipe away my tears. My eyes still looked blurry as the tears kept falling. All the lights were off before he slowly released my embrace as I felt better.

"Are you OK?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Then let's go back up."

"Yeah". Phi Fah reached out his hand to take mine and I was surprised that he did that, but I didn't want to say anything, I just followed him silently. The warm hug, And the hand that took my hand, Those touches I will never forget them Because if it weren't for him... I wouldn't receive such a warm hug again.

"Thank you." I said thank you again amidst the sound of the rain that was so loud it covered everything.

"Thanks to you too."

The person in front of me didn't turn to look at me, and his gratitude in return made me feel surprised...