"Drive carefully."

"Yeah, see you."

"Yeah."

I said goodbye before looking at the car I had just gotten out of as it drove away. Phi Fah was the one who drove me back to the dorm. We talked a lot about the past during the time we didn't see each other. There was nothing special. If I had to guess, he probably didn't even think about me. After he moved out, he went to meet new people, saw new things, and kept walking his own path, which was different from mine, which was still lost.

But I was glad that Phi Fah seemed happy to see me, even though it was just his Nong who lived next door and whom I hadn't seen in a long time.

I went up to my room feeling exhausted. Today was quite an exhausting day as I had been walking all day and it was hot and sunny. I took off my backpack and set my things down next to my bed. I took out my camera and looked at the pictures I took today.

I was very lucky to be able to take pictures of such a clear sky today, almost cloudless. You looked so bright today...

I looked at the wall of the desk that was full of pictures. When I was practicing photography, I asked Torfan to be my model. At first, she was in a bad mood and said she didn't like having her picture taken, but then she relented, and said she would just let me do it. We went to many places together to take pictures.

My mind was full of those memories.

It's strange that I never thought about it before, but when Fan wasn't around, all the memories came flooding back, as if to remind me not to forget her.

Every picture has a story, and every story has you in it. I remember them all.

I sat down in the desk chair. Next to it was a stack of books to prepare me for the medical exam, then a bookshelf, and on the other side was a small drawer for storage. I opened the bottom drawer and there was a picture of her that I had taken with a film camera.

This picture is nice too. Let's put it up...

I remember not liking the clothes Torfan was wearing when this picture was taken. It was too revealing. So she agreed to wear a t-shirt even though it was too hot.

You spoiled Phoon in everything, so Phoon was a spoiled child.

Come to think of it, when we were kids, Phi Fah and Torfan really spoiled me in everything, even raising a cat because I said I wanted to raise one, but when mom wouldn't let me, Phi Fah agreed to raise it instead of me.

Mom...

I still call her 'mom' even though it's not true.

Because... When people ask me how mom is doing, I prefer to answer, "I don't know. Since mom divorced dad, I haven't heard any news about mom." than to answer, "I don't know either because I don't know who my mom is."

I used to blame everything that hurt me, but when I think about it, everything has a reason. Imagine a family: a father, a mother and a one-year-old daughter. Everything is going well. The family is warm and happy. There is a little angel as a witness to their love.

But suddenly, a baby is abandoned. It is discovered that the baby is the child of the father's mistress. The family is broken. The mother loses all love and trust in her husband, but she has to stay because she has a daughter. She also has to be the mother of that baby.

No wonder she hates me. I am the evidence of evil in her life. Every time she looked at me, I don't know how much hate she had in that pair of eyes.

As for my father... He didn't love my mother. I may have been a mistake or something.

But I'm your son. You didn't plan to love me at all? ....

I don't know who my real mother is. But when she left me, it was clear she didn't love me. There is no news, no contact, no history of her that I can know.

She didn't even give me a name....

But I hope she is well somewhere in this world. If we meet and she remembers me, I want to ask her..... Have you ever thought about Phoon? What kind of person did you want Phoon to become? What do you want Phoon to study or be? And you Phoon... Did you grow up to be the person your mother wanted you to be?

_____

"Phoon, come out and talk to me."

"No."

"I'm sorry, don't be mad."

"You promised to go on a trip with me. I don't like people who break their promises."

"I have to meet with my friends for a group work. Next time, I'll take you."

"No, I can go alone."

"I can't let you go alone, how will you do it?"

"Do you even care about me, Fan?"

"Phoon..."

I sat on the bed with a blank face, I felt angry and hurt that she broke her promise. She promised me that we would go on a trip on Saturday, but suddenly she told me that she couldn't go and had to go to work with her friends.Why? She knew I was looking forward to this day.

"Open the door. Come out and talk to me." Fan was still in front of my room, which was locked.

Since I have no one but Torfan, she has to pay special attention to me. Whenever I am unhappy about something, I complain and feel hurt. Surely she must be tired too. Typhoon is such an unkind child.....

"I won't open."

"If we don't talk nicely, how will we understand each other?"

"There's nothing to understand."

I sigh...

Then the voice in front of my room went silent. I looked at the door immediately.

Aren't you going to convince me anymore?

After a while, a piece of paper slipped through the gap under the door.

I walked slowly and picked it up. It was a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it and found a handwritten message:

To...the spoiled child:

I know we agreed to go out together on Saturday, but you have to understand that I'm busy. This group project is really important. If I don't help, my friends will definitely get mad at me. I don't think you want them to be mad, do you? So be a good boy, and wait a little longer. Next time I'll take you to two places and buy you something to eat, okay?

P.S. I know you're waiting for me to convince you. If one day I don't manage to convince you, what will this sulky kid do? Hurry up and stop sulking. The cake I baked is almost ready.

If you don't hurry up and get out, you won't even know how good it came out.

From... Torfan, the big sister who always has to convince this sulky kid.

I smiled at the message written on the paper. I opened the door and stepped out to find her waiting with a freshly baked pie in her hand. We then returned to reconcile and sat down to eat the cake together.

From then on, we two siblings used the method of sending letters to each other through the slot under the door when we were angry or didn't understand each other. Other times it was just things we wanted to say but since we didn't dare say it up front, we would just write letters like this to each other.

Torfan once told me that... writing letters expresses feelings that can't be said. It's like when she wanted to reconcile with me, but I refused to talk to her, so she used this method of writing letters for me to read.

Until now... I still write down the feelings I want to send her.

I have a letter that I have to write every day. It is a letter to Torfan, similar to a diary telling what I have experienced today, how I feel. It's a story about my day, to tell her. But that letter is never sent anywhere. When I finish writing, I put it away in a drawer. I started writing like this shortly after she passed away because I'm lonely and I want to tell someone.

And most importantly...the thoughts I want to send her are like the letters she used to send.

To... Torfan

Last time I said I would come to Chiang Mai. Today the weather is nice. I went for a walk and took pictures outside as usual. I also went to the pedestrian street. The pedestrian street here looks strange. The things for sale are not very familiar. I got a handmade item for 150 baht. Most importantly, I met Phi Fah. He was with a girl named Mona, the same age as me. She is in her first year in medical school. At first, I thought they were a couple, but Phi Fah said she was just a Nong he knew. They must be pretty close or else they wouldn't have dated. Maybe in the future, they could develop a relationship.

Phi Fah seemed happy to see me, like seeing a Nong again after a long time, right? He asked a lot of questions, he also asked about you Fan, but I just told him that you... were fine.

Forgive me for lying, for being a bad boy again. But at that moment, I really couldn't think fast enough. If I told the truth, Phi Fah might get angry. If he got angry, what could I do? I know Phi Fah is not that kind of person, but... honestly, Fan... I was really scared. Scared of everything. If Phi Fah leaves, and you're not here anymore, who else would I have?

As for Phi Fah, he's still the same. He's still kind as ever. Most importantly, he's much better looking. If you saw him, you would scream. He looks like he will be very famous in college. Of course, he is Phi Fah. Ah, yes, I heard that the girl named Mona is the one Phi Fah tutors. That means Phi Fah must be a very good student, he will surely become a great doctor for sure.

But what about me, don't worry about me, I will surely pass the medical exam. I will be a doctor who will treat children who need help, just like you dreamed to be Fan. :)

Good night, I hope you are happy and healthy wherever you are. Love and miss you always.... Typhoon.

I folded the sheet and sealed it with clear tape. I put it in the drawer with a stack of the same type of folded paper. Since I write every day and have been writing for many years, I have a lot of them already. But it's not hard to store.

If I have a closet, I can store them. After a long time, I go back and read the old letters that make me think of each letter. old letters that make me think of every day I have spent. There are some good days, some bad days. Some of the sheets are tear stained, but I've gotten through them.

I may be imagining it, but I think I've grown up a little too.

I heard a notification sound on my phone, so I picked it up to look. It was a message from Phi Fah. A moment ago we exchanged our LINE contacts.

Now I can talk to Phi Fah....

Tf: Are you sleeping already?

Phoon: Not yet.

Tf: Is there somewhere you want to go?

A while ago, when we were in the car, Phi Fah said that since I just got here and I don't know the way very well, if he has some free time, he will take me around town to get to know this area better. And if there is a particular place I want to go, I can tell Phi Fah, and he will take me there?

Phoon: I don't know yet.

Tf: Are you free tomorrow? I'll take you to see the university campus, so you'll know the way and you won't get lost when you have to go to class.

Phoon : Okay.

Tf: Then I'll pick you up tomorrow. What time do you think?

Phoon : Any time is fine.

Tf. : I'll come by around 1:00 pm.

Phoon : That's fine.

Tf: Good night.

Phoon : Yes. Good night.

And our conversation ended here. He wished me good night even though it was only it was only 9:00 pm. I scrolled down to see the photo of the chat owner. It was a picture of him when he wasn't paying attention.

Even though we only talked like this, I felt strangely warm. When I thought I would see him again tomorrow, I couldn't help but smile.

Will you take me to college so that I won't get lost when I go to study? He's so kind. Will he be this kind to everyone? I've heard that if you fall in love with the kindness he gives everyone, it will hurt more than falling in love with someone who has never been kind to anyone.

So... Good night, Phi Fah. I hope you'll be as bright tomorrow as you are today.

04:20 AM

I didn't sleep well last night. Actually, I don't sleep well. That's normal. There are a lot of things to think about. Many times, when I close my eyes, images of Torfan pop up, then I cry all night. Sometimes I have nightmares and wake up startled in the middle of the night to find tears flowing. I dream that she is riding in a car, going to pick me up, until she is run over. I dream that my parents argue.

Sleeping is quite scary for me.

Because I'm afraid of having nightmares....

I once went to see a doctor as insomnia was starting to interfere with my daily life. But I didn't go into detail about what was causing it. I just said I was stressed about school and other problems. The not sleeping well became more chronic and the doctor said I had insomnia.

At first, I took the medication and it got better. But it seemed like the more I slept, the more nightmares I had. So I stopped taking the medication and went back to enduring this insomnia.

In fact, the doctor recommended that I see a psychiatrist to treat possible depression, because I seemed to have more problems than that. However, I didn't want to tell anyone what happened.

I didn't dare tell and I didn't want to talk about it. I tried to bury it as much as I could.....

Last night I went to bed at 11 o'clock at night and woke up around 4 o'clock in the morning. I only slept for five hours. Also, I didn't rest well while I was sleeping. I woke up from time to time, so I had a bad headache. But I couldn't sleep anymore, so I just woke up, got up, took a shower, washed my face, made coffee, looked at my schedule, read a book to see what subject I had to study today, and started reading.

Should I try to take private lessons? In Chiang Mai there should be places to tutor for entrance exams. If I have time, I will try to talk to my father about this. The problem will be finding a time when he is free and available to talk.

I stopped studying around 6am to go out to watch the sunrise. Because of insomnia, I always wake up very early, but doing it so I can watch the sunrise isn't bad either. That moment when the sky starts to change color as the sun is about to rise is so beautiful, I couldn't help but grab my camera and take a picture of it.

I spent almost three hours reading. At 7 a.m. I went downstairs to get something to eat.

"You're up early," the pork satay vendor greeted me. I smiled.

"Yes, I'd like two pork satay sticks and a bag of glutinous rice."

"Same as usual, you're not interested in the chicken satay?"

"No, that's fine, thank you." I smiled wryly at her.

"But you don't look so good. Did you get any sleep?" asked Auntie as she stuffed two pork satay sticks into a bag. "I've wanted to tease you for a long time but I always see your sleepy face and I don't dare."

"Heh heh, I didn't sleep much last night," I said before handing her the money for the pork satay.

"I'm leaving now." I said goodbye to Auntie and went back to my room.

Everyone says I look sleepy all the time.

Hmm... I really am sleepy all the time.

I went back to my room and sat down to eat the glutinous rice and pork satay I bought. I heard that people who don't get enough sleep die young. I think it is definitely true. Since I have insomnia, I have been forgetting more than before. I used to be very forgetful. It's like my brain can't function at its best. How long will you live like this Phoon?

I have nothing to do except wait for Phi Fah today, so I kept reading. I'm not a good student. Not at all. Not like Fan and Phi Fah were. But since I want to get some praise, I've been trying all the time. Fan always said that effort will never betray us.

If we are not as good as others, we have to try harder than others.

Behind those good grades are patience and effort. But no matter how good my grades are, they don't get my attention. Torfan told me that I'm smart, but the reason I had to work so hard is because I didn't like what I was studying.

I studied. It must be true. I don't like biology, chemistry or physics.

If you ask me what I like, I like taking pictures and I want to be a photographer. But it doesn't matter, it's just a dream.

13:04

Tf: Can I postpone until 2 pm? I have some business to attend to.

Phoon: Yes.

14:12

Tf: I'll be a little late. There's a lot of traffic.

Phoon: That's okay.

14:36

Tf: I'm here. Look to your left.

I looked to where Phi Fah told me, but I didn't see anyone.

"That's the right. Phoon, are you still confused about left and right?" asked Phi Fah, laughing a little. I kept quiet because I felt embarrassed and acted in an embarrassing way in front of Phi Fah.

"Have you been sitting here waiting for a long time?"

I've been sitting here waiting since 12:30....

"No, I just got off."

"Sure, then shall we go?"

"Yes." I followed Phi Fah to the car because I was a little excited to go out with him, so I went downstairs to sit and wait at the marble table on the first floor of the building.

When Phi Fah told me that he was passing the appointment for later, as I was feeling lazy to walk back to my room, I decided to stay there and wait.

"Did you have lunch?"

"Ah... I ate something earlier."

This morning's grilled pork is considered two meals. Normally, I'm not this hungry. I don't know why.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, why?"

"I don't know, you seem tired today."

"Oh...that's how I normally am."

"Is it normal to see you like this?" Phi Fa, who was driving, looked away from the road in front of his and turned to look at me, surprised by what he heard.

"Yes."

"Well, I don't think that's so good." The other party said that before turning back to look at the road. Phi Fa was driving very smoothly, which was good because I often get carsick.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

No matter what...I'm fine.

"If you turn left here, there's the faculty of engineering, but you probably won't come here to study." Phi Fah pointed me to a faculty on the university campus.

It was important for me to know the campus, especially a person who gets lost easily like me. I held up my camera to take a picture.

"Do you always carry a camera with you?"

"Yes, I like to take pictures."

"You've liked it since you were in high school."

"Yes." I nodded.

The first camera I got was a birthday present Torfan and Phi Fah gave me, because they saw that I was starting to get interested in taking pictures, but I didn't have my own camera. I often secretly carried my father's camera to take pictures.

"This is the general academic building. Some independent subjects are taught here."

"You study here?"

"I probably won't take extracurricular subjects in my sophomore year."

"Oh..." I took pictures along the way. I'd have to put them on the walls later and remember which buildings were which.

"What about my faculty?"

"It's off campus because it takes up so much space."

"Space?"

"For the animals. They study them and take care of them along with the College of Agriculture."

"Oh..." I nodded as if I understood.

What made me think of choosing the College of Veterinary Sciences?I wondered if it would be right to choose, I loves animals but wasn't sure if I could do it right.

"There's a place to walk, it's a reservoir, do you want to go?"

"Come on."

The car pulled into the parking lot. We got out and I followed Phi Fah. It was already late afternoon, but the weather was still hot. After walking up the hill for a while, we saw a reservoir. There was a small path around it for walking. There were some people walking here and there.

I really like the sky from here.

I quickly picked up my camera and took a picture. The sky was above and the mountains below.

Although it was hot, there was a breeze and we walked to a place where there were trees blocking the light. I felt that this place was quite gloomy. If there weren't so many people, I would come here often.

"Can we sit down and rest for a while," I asked, as the hot weather made me feel even more tired. After not getting enough sleep and then being exposed to the sunlight like this, I felt a little dizzy.

"Yeah right." Phi Fah sat on the bench next to me.

Every now and then I secretly glanced at him. The gentle breeze caressed his face and his black hair waved in the wind. What I saw now made my heart tremble even more, but when the other person realized that I was secretly looking at him I had to look away quickly.

He's so cool...

It's good to be like that, no matter what position I'm in.

At least right now, that's what I think.

"Oh, Phi Fah, and Phoon." Suddenly, a woman approached us and waved her hand at us, while revealing a cheerful smile.

"Hello."

Mona...

"Hi Mo, did you come alone?"

"Yes, I came for a walk. I was bored in the dorm," she said.

"So what are you guys doing here?"

"We came for a walk" Phi Fah replied.

"That's great. Let's go for a walk together."

"Yes," nodded Phi Fah.

I guess he assumed I would agree as well. Because of his good nature, I had to go. Unlike Phi Fah, I was quite uncomfortable when I am with a stranger. But he didn't.

"Typhoon, may I call you Phoon?"

"Oh, sure."

"So, does Phoon like to take pictures too?" asked Mona, pointing to my camera hanging around my neck. I nodded in response.

"Can I see your pictures? I'm practicing taking pictures too."

"I don't take good pictures. I guess I like to keep photos to myself because what is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to others."

"It doesn't matter. Let's exchange photos, since we are both learning."

"Um...okay."

How could I refuse? In the end, I had to exchange photos with her.

"Wow, Phoon takes really good photos."

"Thanks. Mona takes good pictures too," I said as I handed her camera back to her.

"You can call me Mo." She smiled and said, "Phi Fah, let's take a picture together."

She said as she suddenly, grabbed Phi Fah's arm. They look... so close.

"I really don't like to have my picture taken," Phi Fah refused.

"Just one, okay?"

"Okay."

"Phoon...please take a picture of me with Phi Fah." Mona handed me her own camera again.

This time, she asked me to take a picture of the two of them together on a small bridge. They stood there while I took a picture of them, through the lens, they looked like a cute couple. After I took their picture, I handed the camera back to Mona.

"The picture is not very clear." She said pouting a little, looking upset when she saw the picture I took, because it focused more on the background.

"Sorry, I'm not good at taking pictures of people."

"Okay, okay. I still want to post it on Facebook, can I tag you Phi Fah?"

"Okay."

On the way back, Mona asked Phi Fah if he could bring her closer to her room. She sat in the front seat, next to the driver, while I moved to sit in the back seat. I sat in the back and watched them as they talked. Mona was cute. She spoke well and was also very cheerful.

"The other day, I saw Phi Jo."

"Oh, yeah? Where did you see him?"

"The mall. He was shopping with a woman. She was very pretty. She was carrying her things. I never imagined Phi Jo would have such a nice moment, like carrying things for a woman. I heard he's quite flirtatious. I thought he wouldn't date anyone openly like that."

"He was carrying her things?" Phi Fah repeated what the other person said. "That's strange."

"It must be his girlfriend, right?"

"Maybe. Although I can't imagine Phi Jo being someone who would carry a woman's things."

"But he was really carrying her things. She was carrying a lot of clothes, cosmetics and shoes. Besides, that woman was very pretty. She really looked good on Phi Jo. What a pity."

"Why?"

"My friend likes Phi Jo. She said he is her type. She came to study here because of him."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm secretly supporting her. They say men who stop being flirtatious become warmer. I don't know if it's true or not."

"I don't know either."

"What about Phi Fah, are you a flirt?" asked Mona in a sweet, teasing tone.

"No," Phi Fah replied.

"Is that true?"

"Yes."

"That's good. Oh, here we are. Thanks for the ride. I'll see you later. Phoon too. Bye Phi." Mona got out of the car as she stopped at her destination before turning to say goodbye to us.

"Bye," Phi Fah replied with a smile that made her smile even more.

"Oh, Phi Fah, are you free tonight?"

"I'm free, why?"

"I just wanted you to explain something I didn't understand."

"Did you really read the contents of the first year ahead of time?"

"Of course. As a Phi Tonfah student, I have to take honors." Mona said with an enthusiastic tone. "So, are you free?"

"I am free."

"Then I'll call you. Don't forget to answer the phone."

"Yes. Phoon.... Phoon."

"Ah, yes."

"You can come sit in the front seat."

"Ah, yes." I replied before getting out of the car and moving to sit in the seat next to the driver.

"Do you want to go back now?"

"Yes, I'd like to go back now."

"Okay."

On the way back to the dorm, I looked out the window. It was almost dark. What was this overwhelming feeling filling my chest? No way...

"Then I'll call you. Don't forget to answer the phone."

Fan... That girl is closer to Fah than me.

"Would you like to stop and eat something before you go back?"

"No need. I'm not hungry yet."

"Are you sure? Wouldn't you like to eat something? Your face looks very pale."

"I'm fine."

"Is something wrong, Phoon?"

"No, nothing's wrong."

"When we met yesterday, you looked brighter. Did something happen?" The other person's tone sounded concerned.

I didn't know how the person who said that felt, and I didn't know what kind of expression he had because I didn't look back. But one thing was for sure, the truth was that I wasn't feeling well at all.

"No, I'm just fine."

What did he want me to say? I turned around to give a big smile to the person next to me.

"Let's stop and get something to eat." I thought, maybe it would be better if we ate.

The fancy car stopped at a roadside restaurant. I know that holding things back is not good, Dream had taught me that before.

But it's... normal for me. I've always been alone...

"You didn't sleep last night?" asked Phi Fah, who was sitting across from me.

"Why do you think that?"

"It doesn't seem hard to guess."

"Just... a little."

"Then we'll hurry, so I'll take you to get some rest."

"Yes."

Worrying like this is not good, Phi Fah, do you know that many people easily fall for your kindness? I knew from the beginning that if I went too far, it would only hurt me. You should have a limit... for those you think nothing of.

After we finished eating, we walked out to where the car was parked. My eyes fell on the tree store next door. I like trees because they make me feel calm in a way I can't explain.

"Would you like to go take a look?"

"Can we go?"

"Sure."

When I was at home, I planted a lot of plants. Now, the housekeeper must be taking care of them. My father moved in with his new family. At home, it was just me and the housekeeper. When I moved into the bedroom, the balcony was full of stuff. There was barely room for potted plants.

"Which ones are you interested in, are you going to plant them on the balcony?" The salesman came over and asked.

"Ah, okay... I just came to have a look first," I said and gave him a shy smile.

I couldn't buy them because I didn't have a place to plant them. I just wanted to come and have a look. Until I came across the flowers in the pots on the shelves.

Hyacinths...

Hyacinths are winter flowers that can be kept in air conditioned rooms. So I don't have to worry about not having enough space on the balcony. the balcony.

"Are you interested?" asked Phi Fah, who was waiting behind me. I turned to look at him with happy eyes and nodded immediately.

"Then, I'll buy it from you."

"Really?"

"Sure, if it makes you smile like that, how could I not buy it for you?"

"Thank you." I said my thanks and gave her a small smile.

"Phi Fah...you need one too?"

"No, I'd better not, I probably won't have time to take care of it."

"Too bad," I said with annoyance.

If I had one too, we'd have more to talk about. Phi Fah looked at me and was silent, looking like he was thinking about something.

"It's okay, but you can't guarantee that I can take good care of him."

"That's fine," I said happily before turning to look at the shelves full of hyacinths.

It's best to buy the ones that have already bloomed, because planting them from scratch would be difficult.

"So, can I buy one for you? Let's swap them. hm?"

"Sure."

"Okay."

Phi Fah arched his eyebrows slightly before smiling slightly, as he watched me pick out a purple hyacinth for him. I handed it to the vendor to wrap.

"So, can I pick one for Phoon now?"

"Sure." Phi Fah came over, looked at the hyacinths on the shelf and picked a white color for me.

"White? Why?"

"I think it would suit you." Phi Fah's words made me pause for a moment.

If I remember correctly, the meaning of white hyacinths is... No... Phi Fah might not want to give me that message. He probably just chose it because he thinks white looks good on me.

"Then why did you choose a purple hyacinth?"

"Um... for nothing special. I... I just wanted to pick it for you."

Note: White hyacinth: It is associated with purity, innocence and beauty. It can also mean that the person who gives it as a gift is willing to do everything for the loved one.

Purple Hyacinth: This color is associated with sadness, sorrow and asking for forgiveness.