I spent all day today organizing my room after having done the most unforgivable thing. I chose to forget about it for a while to take a step back and come to my senses. The chaotic weather made me stop thinking about it. I wanted to have space on the balcony so I could have plants in place, so I chose to throw some things away. The reason I have more stuff than normal people who live in a dorm is because all my stuff was shipped here.

That house will no longer exist. I heard my dad say something like he will take care of a lot of things and when he finishes everything, he will sell it right away. It is no longer necessary to have the place that used to be called home standing.

It may not have been a warm house, but it is full of memories and love. It is true love and the greatest love a life will ever receive.

In a few months, that house may be demolished or renovated. Another place that is proof of my happiness will be gone. It's like my secret base with Phi Fah. I thought at the last moment before my father announced the sale of that land, I would go back and review my memories again, say goodbye for the last time before I cannot I could not go back.

I sat up in bed and looked at Fan's phone in my hand. I didn't answer Phi Fah's LINE from the morning. I didn't say where I was going. I didn't think what I did was right, wrong... and extremely selfish.

But at least for now... Can I be a little selfish? Can I just hold on to what little happiness I have left? Lying is bad, but that doesn't mean that telling the truth is better. If in the end, the result is that I lose it anyway.

Just for now, for a short time.

Just don't let it go away... okay?

Phi Fah may not know. I know he may not understand. I stopped expecting others to understand a long time ago. But I know everyone will hate me or be mad at me because I still hate myself. And if I were someone else, I would look at Typhoon with the same disappointment.

I will tell the truth. I promise. I know lies can't last forever.

How long can I keep this from you Phi Fah?

I just want a little more time. A little more time for me...

To be ready to break me...

I think it's still good to feel fear and still try to contain it. If I get to the point where I'm ready to let it all come crashing down, since I'll have nothing left to lose.

And that's even scarier....

I decided to open the LINE app on Fan's phone. There was an unread message. That was Fah's chat.

Tf: I'm fine.

Tf: Can I ask you something?

When I saw the message in that chat, I felt uncomfortable.

Torfan: Sure. What's wrong?

Tf: I'm just surprised that you let Phoon study here by himself.

Torfan: Oh, it's no big deal.

Tf: It is.

Tf: Besides, I don't see Phoon very well. Did something happen?

Torfan: Nothing. Why do you think that?

Tf: Oh... Then it must be nothing.

Tf: Maybe I'm just overthinking.

Torfan: What are you thinking about?

Tf: I'm just worried. Phoon is my Nong.

Tf: He told me he chose veterinary medicine, right?

Torfan: Yes, yes.

Tf: He chose it by himself?

Torfan: Hmm, that's right, why?

Tf: No, for nothing.

And I don't know what else to say. I think, if it were a dream, I would dare to ask Fah more questions, being Fan. But at the same time, I feel guilty.

Torfan: Do you think Phoon shouldn't study veterinary medicine? Haha.

Tf: No, but I think he wouldn't be very happy studying since Phoon doesn't like studying.

Tf: Phoon should be happy.

Torfan: You think so?

Tf: Yes, everyone deserves to be happy.

Torfan: Hahaha, yes, but Phoon already decided. Let him take care of his decision.

Tf: Okay.

Torfan: Phi Fah.

Tf: What's up?

Torfan: I want to ask you something. May I?

Tf. What is it?

Torfan : Please look at the sky for Phoon.

Tf. : Look at the sky? How?

Tf. : How is it?

Torfan : Just tell him how is the sky you see everyday.

Torfan : Can you look at it and tell him?

Tf. : Do you want me to tell him how the sky is today?

Torfan : Yes.

Tf. : Why?

Torfan : Because he wants to know what the sky is like that you see every day.

Tf: Okay.

Tf. : Then why doesn't Phoon ask me himself?

Torfan: Maybe Phoon isn't that brave.

Tf: Oh, I thought Phoon wouldn't want to talk to me anymore.

Torfan: No, he does. He really wants to talk to you.

Tf: Really? That would be great.

Torfan: Can you talk to Phoon a lot?

Tf: Okay. I'd like to take Phoon on a trip, when we're both free. Would you let me?

Torfan: Sure. I would very much like you to take Phoon on a trip.

Tf: Do you trust me to do it? I remember that you have always been Phoon's protector before.

Torfan: That's true, but I trust you. Besides, I know Phoon wants to go everywhere with you.

Torfan: He'd go all the way to Mars with you if you'd take him.

Tf: Mars might be a little far. 555

Tf: Okay, then we'll organize a trip together. We'll talk later.

Torfan: Okay, let's talk later.

I smiled secretly at the message that appeared on the phone screen. That's all I really wanted. To think that being Fan was better than being Phoon. Phoon. if it were me, I wouldn't dare tell Phi Fah to ask me out or tell him that I wanted to talk a lot.

Sorry, Fan. It's definitely not good for me. But Fan... please, let me just stay like this a little longer.

After a while, my phone received a notification. When I saw the name of the chat owner, I smiled even more than before, because it was Phi Fah who sent me a LINE message.

Tf: *Send a photo

Tf: The sky is clear today, how is the sky over there?

Phoon: *Send a photo

Phoon: The sky is clearer than usual today.

I took the liberty of saving the photo the other person sent me and posting it on my personal Instagram. Normally, I take a photo of the sky every day and post it on Instagram as a record of my daily sky. However, today was a bit different as the sky photo I posted was from Phi Fah's perspective.

And I captioned below the photo, "Under the same sky :)"

Although the perspective is different, we are still under the same sky. I looked out the window. It was already late. I wanted to talk to Phi Fah again, but I didn't know what to talk about. I turned to look at the hyacinths I put on the table and remembered him.

Phoon : How about the hyacinth?

Tf. : It's good. It smells good.

Phoon : Ah, that's good.

Phoon : Are you busy?

Tf. Yes, actually, I have things to do. Excuse me.

Phoon : Oh... It's okay.

I answered just that before the other person actually disappeared from the chat. I put my phone down and turned around to do something else. I have to study, if I want to be a doctor, I have to be more determined and try harder.

So I went downstairs to get something to eat. Not wanting to walk too far, I stopped at the 7-Eleven under the building. When I got out, I found a scale, and since I hadn't weighed myself in a long time, I decided to try to weigh myself.

I lost weight... I lost weight again. Actually, it's not a good thing, but I just don't eat much since I don't have much of an appetite, so my weight is much lower than standard. I fainted once.

The doctor recommended that I eat more rice and nutritious food, or else I would fall into malnutrition. For sure I must have been quite malnourished by now.

I looked at the bun and milk carton in the bag I bought. When I had breakfast with Phi Fah, I ate very little, but that was all I could eat. What could I do? I was not hungry. I had only eaten a little rice and didn't get much sleep. All this is really killing my health.

I ate a bun again and drank the milk, then read a book for several hours. When I thought I had read enough, I started writing a letter to Torfan, telling him everything that had happened. That's my whole daily routine.

In fact, I had thought many times about what it would be like if Torfan were still alive now. What if Fan knew that I wasn't really his younger brother? Would Fan still love me the same way?

I couldn't answer that. The reason Fan loved me was because I was his younger brother, right? If I knew the truth that I was only an illegitimate child, I couldn't imagine what she would do. However, I still wanted to think to myself that Fan would still be by my side, no matter what happened. As Fan said, in the end, no matter what path I decided to take, Fan would always be by my side.

When I decided it was almost time to go to bed, I took out my phone to check again. I wondered... If Phi Fah had finished with his business, he would let me know, right? Probably not. It was almost 11 pm and still no sign of him.

He wasn't one of those people who chatted a lot.... I decided to send him a message... I at least wanted to say goodnight.

Phoon: Are you free?

Phoon: I wanted to know about the trip you told me about.

I tried to start with a question. Phi Fah said in the chat that he would take me on a trip. I should at least know where or when. I sent the message and it took the other party about ten minutes to read it.

Tf: Oh, do you want to go somewhere special?

Phoon: There is no place I want to go in particular.

Tf: So what kind of place do you like? So I can look for information first.

Phoon: Okay. I'd like to go see a movie, is that okay?

I hesitated a lot before sending that message. Actually, I wanted to go out in nature, but I thought it would be a better idea to see a movie together first, since I haven't been to the movies in a long time.

Tf: Sure. How about tomorrow?

Phoon: Yes.

Tf: Then check the movie schedules and I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Tf: Good night.

Phoon: Good night.

I don't know if I'm just imagining it, but Phi Fah seemed to be in a hurry. And he said goodbye even though we were still talking about watching a movie. Actually, he probably spoke from my point of view and maybe he wasn't really free. O maybe he just... didn't want to talk to me much.

I went to turn off the lights in the room, leaving only the lamp on the bedside table. Will I sleep as well tonight as I did last night? Probably not. It won't be like last night. If I could hold his hand... no, holding his hand would be too much. If I could hear him say 'goodnight' for even a single moment.... It should be good.

I spent almost an hour tossing and turning in bed and still couldn't sleep. If I told Phi Fah, I was afraid I would upset him. He had already proved to me that he didn't have time to talk to me that much.

Well... It doesn't matter. I got a picture of him from heaven today. Why are you bothering him, Phoon?

Go to sleep.

Anyway... I hope you sleep well and that tomorrow you'll be as cheerful as ever.

_____

"You look tired again," was the first thing Phi Fah said as soon as I got into the car. I gave him a wry smile.

"Oh yeah?"

"Couldn't sleep well again?"

"Just a little."

"But did you sleep well last night when you slept in my room?"

"I slept well."

"Then, if you can't sleep, you should come to my room."

"..." I turned to look at the person sitting in the driver's seat confused.

Was he serious or was he just joking? If I can't sleep, can he sleep with me? Isn't he being too kind? But Phi Fah didn't look at me. He just continued to stare at the road in front of him.

"If you can't sleep and you're like this all the time, it can get worse."

"Oh...okay."

"How long have you been with this?"

"A long time."

"Have you tried to see a doctor?"

"Yes... I have."

"It hasn't gotten any better?"

"Um..." I paused, unsure how to respond. I had seen a doctor before. Although I can sleep, I have nightmares, which takes away my desire to sleep. So I've stopped taking the medication.

"Well... It's gotten better."

"But you still can't sleep well, can you?"

"Yes, sort of."

"Have you consulted a doctor about your fear of dark, cramped spaces? I think that has a big impact. If you sleep with the lights on, you can't sleep well. We've talked about this before, haven't we?" He said as he continued to staring at the road. His voice was soft and simple, as if he was explaining a lesson.

"No, it's not like I've never been." I said honestly. I've never consulted a doctor for being afraid of the dark. I've only consulted for insomnia.

"Would you like to go with me? I can give you a ride."

"Um... Not yet... I don't think I should go now." I said softly. It would be better if I went now, but I don't think it's the right time.

"Oh," Fah said. "Have you eaten yet?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"..." I turned to look at the person next to me again when he replied with a tone of disbelief. Fah also turned to look at me.

"W-what?"

"Don't lie to me, Phoon."

"....."

"You haven't eaten yet, have you?"

"Uh... Actually, I haven't eaten," I said.

"When we went to eat together, you ate very little. Are you sick?"

"No."

"Then is it normal for you to eat so little?"

"Sort of," I replied, as I looked out the window to mask my nervousness at realizing how easily Phi Fah could read me through me.... It made me feel an inexplicable fear. In an instant, the car stopped in front of the restaurant.

I followed Phi Fah into the restaurant, feeling tense. I was not used to such a fancy place. Come to think of it, this is the first time Phi Fah has taken me to such a fancy restaurant, they used to be nice places before, but not so ostentatious.

"Phoon, let's come to an agreement."

"Yes?" I grimaced full of confusion towards the person sitting on the chair in front of me, who raised his hand to rest his chin, before giving me a slight smile.

"What's the deal?"

"You have to eat all the food I buy you, in exchange for me asking you out. Is that okay?"

"Eat?"

"That's right."

"Why do I have to eat?"

"How do you discipline a child who doesn't like to eat anything?"

"B-but..."

"If you don't eat, I won't ask you out. Consider it a payment."

"..." I was silent because I didn't know what to say. Even if we agreed on something like this, I don't think Phi Fah would get anything, but I had to agree since I couldn't find a way to refuse him.

"Okay."

"Okay," Phi Fah said with a smile. "Then we start today."

I looked at the plates of food laid out in front of me. Since it was a fancy restaurant, every menu was expensive. Phi Fah ordered everything himself. It wasn't much for a normal person, but it was too much for me.

"I can't do it."

"Eat it all."

I had to finish the food as the other party had asked me to. Phi Fah seemed happy to see that. After eating about half of the plate, I began to feel full. This was probably the first time in many years that I had finished eating rice.

"Aren't you going to put the vegetables aside?" asked Phi Fah.

"Uh... no."

"That's good." I nodded.

Phi Fah remembered that I didn't like eating vegetables. I still still don't like them, but I could eat them normally. When I finished eating them, I felt a little full. I hadn't eaten that much in a long time.

"What time is the movie you want to see?"

"I don't know yet," I said.

Actually, I hadn't even thought about it. Since I didn't know when Phi Fha would come to pick me up or what movie to see, I thought I'd ask Phi Fah.

"I haven't seen the schedules."

"Really? It was your idea for me to accompany you, but you don't know what time the movie you want to see is playing?"

"Well..." I spoke in a low, soft tone, feeling a little like I was being scolded for inviting him to the movies but not planning what to see.

"I thought there might be a particular movie you'd like to see."

"Mmmmm, I don't have anything in mind. It's up to you."

"Then...we'll see what's available on the billboard."

"Okay."

We continued on until we came to a large shopping mall, one I had never visited before. If I had come alone, touring such a huge mall would have been overwhelming. I followed Phi Fah until we stopped at a bingsu store. Phi Fah asked me if I wanted to make a stop and although I expressed indifference, he took me inside anyway.

Very popular Korean dessert. Bingsu consists of very thin shaved ice, similar to snow, topped with a variety of delicious ingredients.

Ordered from a menu that I thought was the one I wanted to eat. After a while, the staff brought it over to serve.

"Eat it all, please."

Was he forcing me to eat dessert?

"Phi Fah, I don't think I can eat it all."

Phi Fah shook her head slightly.

"It's okay. Just eat what you can."

"Didn't you order it just for yourself."

"Not exactly. I want you to eat it too."

"Eat with me, that's the only way I can finish it," I said as I handed some to the person sitting on the opposite side. Since we walked in, everyone turned to look at us, surely Phi Fah must be used to it since everywhere he goes, people stare at him.

Phi Fah took what I passed him, and we sat down to eat dessert together. Just the two of us...

It was really good.

I don't like dessert very much, but with his company.... Not bad.

After we agreed on what movie to watch, we went into the living room. I was very excited to see a movie with Phi Fah. As I watched the screening, I wasn't really concentrating on it, because I started to feel cold, so I raised my arms to rub myself and get warm.

"Are you cold?" Phi Fah whispered to ask. I nodded in response before the other person took off his long-sleeved shirt and handed it to me.

"Thank you," I said as I accepted it.

He is still the person who usually takes off his sweater for me just like before....

"You're still as cold as ever," Phi Fah said softly, turning to look at me as she put the garment on me.

"You should always wear a sweater."

"Yes."

But if I wear a sweater...which would be a good solution, then Phi Fah wouldn't give me his shirt. When the movie ended and we left the theater, I took off my shirt to return it to the owner, but Phi Fah took it and put it back on me.

"Are you hungry?", Phi Fah turned to ask me.

"Not yet." I shook my head. I still felt full from everything I ate at noon.

"Do you want to go back now or is there somewhere else you want to go later?"

"Um..." I was silent, thinking. I didn't want to go back yet. I still wanted to stay with him a little longer.

"Can we... walk around for a little while longer?"

"Okay," Phi Fah replied. "Where do you want to go?"

"To take a picture."

"Hm?"

"Anywhere is fine, but I want to take a picture." I thought about how I still haven't taken a picture of the sky today.

If I go back to my room, I will probably take the same picture from the same angle. If possible, I want to take other angles.

"Is it okay for you to go to the temple? There's a good viewpoint."

"Yes, sure."

We got into Phi Fah's car, and set out on the road. I looked out the window without saying much, but I felt that the discomfort had disappeared a little. Maybe I was used to being with Phi Fah.

The place we were heading to was quite far away and it took us a long time to get there, plus there was a traffic jam at night. When we arrived, I felt strange, because I was in a place I had never been before. I quickly picked up my camera to take pictures from different angles. I bought flowers to worship the Buddha, prayed a little, always for the same thing.

No matter where I went, I always prayed for the same things: for Dream to be happy, for me to be happy and for my loved ones to be happy. I glanced slyly at the person next to me, who was also praying. I wondered. Why was Phi Fah praying?

We arrived at the gazebo that Phi Fah had mentioned. It was a wide, open space with a Buddha statue on one side. It was already late in the afternoon, so there were only a few people. More importantly, there was a cool breeze that made me feel cold.

I lifted my camera to take a picture of the sky I was looking at now. It was so beautiful. From this angle, I could see the buildings below, with bright lights all over the city. The sun was about to set too, but I would have to wait a little longer for the sky to change color.

"Why do you like to look at the sky?"

Phi Fah asked as he walked over to lean against the wall next to me.

"Well...for nothing special."

"Torfan told me you wanted me to look at the sky with you. Why?" Phi Fah asked again, and it was a question I didn't prepare an answer for.

"Um... I just want you to try to look."

"Hm?" Phi Fah looked a little puzzled before looking up at the sky from the same angle I was looking at.

The image of the person next to me that I was seeing now was even more fascinating than the sky. The wind was blowing his jet black hair.

No... How could it not be more fascinating, since forever, you were my only sky from the beginning?

"Can I take a picture of you?"

"Take a picture of me?"

"Yes."

"Sure."

I took a step back. Phi Fah was leaning against the wall and turned his back to the view of Chiang Mai city. He smiled slightly at the camera. Even though the wind was blowing hard from the opposite direction, Phi Fah looked really good from this angle. It didn't take me long to find an angle to take a picture before I pressed the shutter.

The view through the lens now... it made me stop breathing. When I finished taking the photo, I put the camera down.

I got the picture of the most beautiful sky....

"Thank you," I said before walking back to stand next to Phi Fah as before. "Thank you for taking me on this journey."

"Thank you for finishing your meal."

"Ah?" I turned to look at the other person. When I saw Phi Fah smiling and laughing, I couldn't help but laugh. "Are you okay?"

"Sure, why?"

"It's strange that you thank me for finishing the meal," I said.

"It's not strange. Eating too much is good. Otherwise it would be bad for your health" said Phi Fah. "You used to be more plump as a child, now you are too thin. That's bad."

"What kind of stuffed kid was I?"

"The kind that likes to steal snacks."

"Don't tease me like that," I said, pouting a little.

But it was true, I used to be like that. I never thought that growing up, I'd lose my appetite like this.

"I'm not like I used to be."

"Hmm... That's true."

Suddenly, there was only silence between us.

"Phi Fah," I said.

"Yes?"

"... How about we play a game?"

"What game?"

"Let's take turns asking one question each."

"What about the questions you don't want to answer?", Phi Fah asked back. That made me pause for a moment.

"It's okay, we can answer just the ones you want," I said.

"Sure, who should start?"

"Me, I want to ask..." I decided to speak first.

Actually, I had many questions of things I wanted to know about Phi Fah during the time we hadn't seen each other.

And the reason I wanted to play this game was because I wanted Phi Fah to ask me about me. I wanted someone to be interested in hearing my stories, not just writing them down in letters that I didn't send.

"Phi Fah... What was your high school like?"

"A more general question than I thought," Phi Fah said quietly. "I came to study at a school around here. There was nothing special. I was just a normal student."

"Really normal?"

"Yes, I answered...now, how was it for you? How was your high school?"

"Well...I was a little stubborn, but I did my best." I answered.

"What about the friends you had in high school?"

"We were close usually. We hung out together sometimes and learned a lot from each other. What were your high school friends like?"

"We learned a lot from each other." I said, like I said before, I used to have friends who weren't that good. When I distanced myself from them, they kind of annoyed me a little bit. So it was a lesson.

"What about your friends now?"

My question made Phi Fah laugh a little.

"It's crazy. It really is crazy. They're the kind of people I never thought I'd see. They're a pain in the ass," Phi Fah said. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

"You... You don't have any friends here, do you?"

"That's right," I nodded.

"But I hope to find some good friends," I said as I thought.

Since I had been picked on before, I was hoping to find some good friends now. I wasn't looking for them to be so nice to me. I just wished they wouldn't abandon me.

"Of course you will," the person next to me said in a warm tone.

"How about your studies, so far, how are you doing with your studies?"

"Well, I'm doing fine, how about you, how are your studies going?"

"Well... average, I think. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail. But I often managed to get first place." I said proudly.

It was something I wanted to brag about to someone, but at that time, Phi Fah wasn't around to hear me, so I couldn't brag about it to anyone.

"That's great."

"Is it hard to study medicine?"

"Hmm, it's hard. But I'm adjusting."

"I know you'll definitely be able to do it Phi Fah," I said quietly. Phi Fah can do it, but if even he has to adjust, how will I be able to do it?

"How is Golden?"

"Ah... he died." I lowered my head and said. Golden was the cat I adopted and raised. I frowned, looking worried. Would Phi Fah get mad, I was the one who asked to raise him. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. He was old. You don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah..."

I was silent for a while to collect my emotions and quickly thought of a question to ask Phi Fah again.

"So Phi Fah... Do you like the sky?"

"Um... Not so much, do you like it, Phoon?"

"Yes."

"But some days the sky is not beautiful."

"Why do you think that?", I asked.

"Some days the sky is dark and it rains," Phi Fah said.

"But after the rain...on those days, the sky clears." I think I like it when it rains. It makes me feel that sometimes even the sky can cry.

"You always look at the sky in a positive way, huh? When it rains, there will be lightning, aren't you afraid of thunder?"

"Ah... that's right."

The other party's words left me speechless again. Yes...I've been afraid of lightning since I was a kid because it's noisy. I don't like loud noises. Besides, they are dangerous.

"It's your turn to ask Phi Fah."

"Yes. Um... I don't know what else to ask. You ask Phoon."

"Um..." I pouted a little when the other party said she didn't want to ask anything more. That meant he didn't want to know anything about me anymore.

"Let me ask you something that.... Er, can I ask you a slightly more personal question?

"Hmm." Phi Fah raised her eyebrows in surprise at my words. "Sure."

"Right now... Are you dating anyone, Phi Fah?"

"Ah, it's not that personal."

"...Yes."

"I'm not dating anyone."

Phi Fah is not dating anyone right now.

"That's strange." I said it quietly because I thought that someone who has a lot of people around her like Phi Fah must have at least someone.

"You're not even talking to anyone?"

"Well... no."

"Oh..."

"Do you think it's strange?" asked Phi Fah to me. I nodded in response. The answer was: "It's not that strange. I just think love is far enough away for me."

"How so?

"It may sound boring, but do you want to know, Phoon?"

"Yes.

"I had a girlfriend in high school. At that time, I didn't think much about love and stuff. But after we dated for a while, I felt like the whole heart thing, it was complicated. Eventually, we had problems and had to break up. After that, I didn't really look for love that much."

"Ah... I understand."

I swallowed the feelings in my chest. Phi Fah had a girlfriend before, and after that, he didn't look for love anymore?

"Why did you break up, may I ask?"

"Um... It must be because we didn't understand each other."

"And... do you still love her?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"..."

"Looking at the sky like that makes me think of something," Phi Fah said as he looked up at the brick red sky.

"She used to say that I was like her sky, and that every time she looked up, hshe thought of me."

"...."

"But I... I can't think of myself as the sky. I don't think I can be anyone's sky"

"Um..."

You are Phoon's sky... But for you, maybe not so.

_____

P.S.: Hello everyone! Here's a triple update for today, as I won't be able to update tomorrow due to my thesis defense. I'll be taking a short break but will resume posting on Monday. Thank you!