It's raining...

I don't know when it started, but by the time I realized, it had started to rain. I stared out the window, where there were only drops of water. The sky, when it's cloudy, sometimes makes me feel lonely, but I still like to look up.

When I said I looked at the sky in a positive way... I guess it was true, because... How could I look at it in a negative way?

I can't be heaven to anyone.... can I? But still... I still see you as my only heaven. No matter what happens... You're still the only person I look up to, and that will never change. No matter what you think... I will not change.

We got stuck at a stoplight before entering my dormitory. After we had been outside for a while, when it started to rain, Phi Fah decided to rush me to my room. I looked at the person next to me for a moment before turning around.

Phi Tonfah(*)....

I once asked him about the meaning of his name. He said his father wanted it to be the sky higher than any other, the sky that everyone could see when they looked up. And his mother wanted it to be a tree that swayed in the wind but didn't fall down and be a shelter for others.

(*) ต ้น (tón): meaning "tree" or "plant". ฟ้ า (fá): means "sky".

So, "ต ้นฟ้ า"(TonFah) could be interpreted as "tree of heaven" or "plant of heaven."

Phi Tonfah has always been what its parents expected, a heaven that is superior to any other, a tree that gives shade. As for me, I walked by and fell into the hole of this tree, choosing to take shelter and not go anywhere, knowing I couldn't stay like this forever.

"It's a pity, the traffic is really bad," Phi Fah said, so I snapped out of my daze and looked ahead to see cars clumping on the road. When it rains like this, the traffic is always jammed, as if the cars haven't moved for a while.

"It's true." I was a little surprised when I heard a bang on the car window from the driver's side.

I saw a large motorcycle parked nearby. The driver was wearing a black helmet and leather clothing. He tapped on the window with the back of his hand. Phi Fah turned to look before frowning and rolling down the window a little to hear what the other person was trying to say. He only rolled the window down a little, so the rain wouldn't come in, so the person outside couldn't see me. The other person lifted up his helmet a little, and that's how I could see his face.

"Where have you been?" asked Phi Fah.

"I had some business to attend to. And you?"

"Are you going to continue like this? You're not wearing a raincoat. Be careful not to catch cold."

"That's fine with me."

"Where are you going now?"

"Back to the condo. It's raining." Since it was raining hard, I couldn't hear him very well, but he sounded very annoyed. "So, where are you going now?"

"I'm also going back," said Phi Fa. "Drive carefully."

"Oh, you too. See you later." That was the last thing he said before putting on his helmet and quickly driving his big motorcycle as soon as the traffic light turned green. Meanwhile, the cars still had to wait a while for, whoever was in front, to pass first.

"Um... Is he your friend?", I asked.

"Yes."

I looked at the big black motorcycle from before. He was going very fast and it was very scary. Why was he driving so fast in such a heavy rain? Isn't it dangerous?

"Is something wrong?" asked Phi Fha when he saw that I looked worried.

"It is dangerous to drive like this." My words made Phi Fah smile a little.

"He's fine. It's normal for him."

"Oh." I nodded my head in understanding. It made me even more curious about what kind of friends Phi Fah had. They didn't look like him at all. "What's his name?"

"Johan, why?"

"No, he just looked... um."

"Are you interested?"

"No, no."

"If I had to introduce a friend, I'd say Jo would be the last person I'd recommend." Phi Fah said in a normal tone, without sounding distressed. "Ah, let's better say he'd be the second to last."

Introduce his friend... to me?

"Why?"

"He's a flirt, though he's great in other ways."

"What if... who would you introduce me to?" I asked softly, my heart starting to beat fast for no reason, and it hurt a little when Phi Fah answered.

"I think Hill."

"Why him?"

"He's the best."

"Is it because he's good that you recommend him to me?"

"Yes."

No, Phi Fah... Phi Fah is the best for Phoon.

"Why are you thinking of recommending someone?"

"I was just saying. I thought it would be good to have someone to look out for you," Phi Fah said.

"And if it's someone who's going to take care of my Nong, I want it to be someone good and trustworthy."

"Ah...okay."

"If you plan to date someone, they have to go through Torfan's scrutiny first,right?"

"I think so."

"Then it has to go through me too."

"...Okay."

Phi Fa's Nong....

I tried to ask for clarity, but everything was clear. This is all that I can be.... I should be content with this.

When the luxury car pulled into the parking lot in front of my bedroom, it was surprisingly dark. There wasn't a single light on, even though the room next door had bright lights on. Don't tell me the power was out again?

"The lights in your bedroom are out again?"

"I guess so," I said, looking in with concern. I only moved in a few days ago and the lights have already gone out twice.

"Do you want to stay?"

"Um... Well... Honestly..." I fell silent. I wanted to say I'd be fine, but when I think about the inside of the building, it makes me shudder, because I have to go inside, up the stairs and walk down a hallway before I can get to my room. I'll have to endure being in the dark room anyway.

"Then... you can stay with me tonight."

"I, I'm... I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you again."

"It's okay," Phi Fah said, smiling, before turning around and setting off on his way to his condo.

"Phoon."

"Yes?" I responded immediately when the other person called my name.

"How many days have you been here?"

"Um, not even a week yet."

"Is the room okay?"

"It's... fine."

"Do you hear noises from the next room often?"

"A lot."

"What about the hot water and air conditioning?"

"The hot water won't turn on and the air conditioning isn't very good either."

"Ah... I thought so."

"Why?"

"The electricity in your bedroom went out twice even though you've been here less than a week. But the electricity in the bedroom next door didn't go out." Phi Fah said in a calm tone. "Did you investigate anything before you came?"

"No... No, dad was the one who got me the dorm."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why, what's wrong?"

"Maybe Uncle didn't look up much information about the dorms. From what I've looked, this dorm doesn't seem to be that good, although the price is pretty high."

"Oh..." I pursed my lips and felt a lump in my throat when Phi Fah said that Dad hadn't done his research properly. At first, secretly, I was a little glad that Dad was the one to find me a bedroom. It meant he still cared about me, but now that I understand, that wasn't the case.

"It would be better if you moved to another dorm."

"I can't move. I just did."

"You need to get out of there. I'll help you find a new dorm."

"But Dad found this dorm and he's already paid for everything."

"It's okay, Phoon. I'll talk to Uncle."

"Um..."

I was silent because I didn't know what to say when Phi Fah took such a serious tone. Not long after, we arrived at Phi Fah's apartment.

When I entered his room, I noticed something strange. There was a hanging chair... It looked like he had just gotten it, because it wasn't there the day before.

"I just ordered it," Phi Fah explained when he saw that I had been looking at it for a long time. It was a hanging chair placed by the front window with a small table on the other side. Next to them, there was a sofa. It must be a relaxing corner, right?

"Can I sit down?"

"Sure." When Phi Fah allowed me, I sat on the hanging chair by the window. It was raining outside like this, and I felt even more relaxed. I really liked it. I liked sitting and watching like this. When I looked up a little, I saw the sky from the corner of Phi Fah's room.

I couldn't look up last time. The sky from this angle was so beautiful. It's a pity that Phi Fah said he didn't like looking at the sky very much, even though it was so beautiful from here.

"Can I have your dad's phone number?"

"For?"

"I'll try to talk to him about switching bedrooms."

"Hmmmm... Do you think it's..."

"Or don't you want to switch bedrooms? If you don't want to, that's fine."

"Well..." Then I gave Phi Fah my father's phone number. Maybe, if Phi Fah said that, it means that the dormitory is actually not very good. Although I really don't want Phi Fah and dad to talk to each other.

Please don't make daddy mad.....

"Hello, uncle. I'm Tonfah."

[Oh... Tonfah, is that you? Are you okay? We haven't talked in a long time.]

"Hi, uncle. How are you?"

[Uncle is fine. How are Phi Wich and Phi Pha?]

"My parents are fine."

[Oh, that's good. Is there something that made you call me?]

"It's about Phoon."

[... Phoon? What's wrong?]

"It's about Phoon's dorm, the one Uncle picked out for him?"

[The dorm? Wait, Phoon came to see you?]

"No, I'm studying here too. That's why we met."

[Ah... Is that so? I didn't know you studied there too.]

"Yes uncle... about the dormitory."

[Hmm, what about it?]

"I think it's best for Phoon to move out of there, because that dorm isn't that good. Two years ago there was a murder notice, so people moved out. Since there weren't many tenants, the janitor stopped caring about the building. The electrical system, water supply and facilities were not very good. I think it would be better for Phoon to move out of the building."

[A murder? Ah, then why do they charge so much for the dormitory?]

"Yes, the price is not worth the quality."

[Wouldn't it be better to charge less? It will be hard to move it. I paid thousands for the insurance].

"Phoon can't stay in that building, Uncle."

[It's okay. He just has to put up with it. He'll get used to it. It's been two years since that murder. It's nothing].

"Yeah, well... it's true."

[Hmm. Did Phoon say anything to you?]

"No, why?"

[No, for nothing. Please say hello to Phi Wichian an d Phi Pha. If I have time, I might go to visit them].

"Yeah, oh, another thing, uncle."

[What's up?]

"Phoon doesn't look too good. I'm afraid he's not feeling well. He's not eating. He doesn't seem to be sleeping well. Also, his mental state doesn't seem good either."

[Oh yeah?]

"Is something wrong with Phoon?"

[No, that kid is like that, he's normal]

"Really?"

[Yeah, don't worry too much about it, thinking too much will only give you a headache].

"Yes."

[Anything else?]

"Nothing else, then I'll hang up for now. Uncle, take care of your health, okay?"

[Hmm, take care of your health too].

"Yes."

"Phoon." Phi Fah approached me after talking on the phone for a while. I was worried about what my father and Phi Fah would talk about, but judging from Phi Fah's attitude, there shouldn't be any problem.

"Yes, what does dad think?"

"Uncle agrees. He says you can move out of the dormitory tomorrow."

"Ah... Really?", I said quietly. How strange. My dad, huh? "Thanks for talking to him for me."

"That's fine." Phi Fah gave me a small smile. "Go shower and change first. I'll get some clothes ready for you."

"Yes, thank you." I said thank you again before walking towards the bathroom. Since I didn't bring any clothes, I had to borrow Phi Fah's clothes to wear. As I walked into the bathroom and was about to take a shower...

Dad called....

I took a deep breath. Just seeing my father's number on the screen made my hands shake inexplicably. It wasn't often that my father called me. No, he almost never called me first.

"Dad," I said on the other end of the line, after hesitating for a long time whether to press accept or not. In the end, I had to press accept.

[What did you say to TonFah!]

"Nothing."

[Did you tell him about Torfan or what?! Not only will you disappoint me, but you'll also embarrass me. What will happen if Phi Wich and Phi Pha find out?]

I was surprised when my father shouted over the phone. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I tried to control my voice so that it didn't sound choppy.

"I didn't say anything to Phi Fah. I didn't tell him about Torfan."

[Well, you know if you tell, you'll be hated.]

"...Yes."

Sob.

[Do you know why I'm distant from that family?]

"Yeah, because you don't want them to know about Torfan."

As I said before, Dad was more concerned about his own image. When Torfan died, Dad tried to stop contacting Phi Fah's family so that uncle and aunt wouldn't know the news. It was better to just cut them off than to lose face.

[You know it's about you too, and yet you still went to look for Tonfah.]

"...I'm sorry."

[What is your purpose?]

"Purpose?... None."

[Then what did you tell Tonfah about Torfan?]

"Nothing... That Torfan is still here."

[Okay. You don't need to keep in touch with him or everything will be exposed.]

"But if I tell the truth..."

[How?!]

"If I tell the truth, I sob... About Torfan Dad thinks... That Phi Fah will be mad at me?"

[Are you going to tell him that you killed your own sister?]

I sob...

"No, I... No, I didn't mean it. ...."

[Enough, that's enough.]

"Father... I...it's just that...Phi Fah is really good to me. I just want to be with Phi Fah again.... May I?"

[...]

"If I tell the truth... dad... if Phoon tells the truth, can I stay with Phi Fah?"

[Do you want to be a burden to him? You can go anywhere but not be a burden to anyone. Look how Torfan tried to take care of you all the time. And what happened to her now? What was her reward? She died because of you...]

I quickly hung up the phone because I didn't want to listen to him anymore. I had heard these words from my father many times and they hurt me deep down every time. I knelt down on the floor because I couldn't take it anymore. I covered my mouth with my hands to hide my sobs. The tears were falling non-stop.

"Not again..."

Sob, sob, sob, sob, sob, sob.

I couldn't stand it. My hands and legs were numb. My chest hurt so much that I wanted to beg for this torture to stop. I couldn't take it anymore.

I... You may not love me or have never loved me, but... but please be a little kind to me and please don't hurt me. Just a little is enough. Look at me sometimes. Smile at me sometimes. That's all I ask... It took me a while to pull myself together. I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were so ugly, my nose was red, my eyes were puffy, no matter what, I couldn't say that I had cried. I soaked in the hot water for a long time, hoping it would get better.

When I came out of the bath, there was a small place to change my clothes. From outside, when I opened the door, I saw the changing room first. Before I saw the bathroom door, I saw a large T-shirt and long pants with elastic bands. They must have been the clothes Phi Fah had prepared for me.

I put on a loose T-shirt and long pants that I could tie with an elastic band to fit my waist, and folded the pants because they were too long before going out.

"Phoon...come eat." Phi Fah was sitting on the couch and turned to talk to me.

There were some dishes on the table.

"Yes, Phi Fah, did you cook?"

"No, it's just frozen food," Phi Fah said. I walked over to sit on the small couch next to him.

"I'm really not very good at cooking, how about you? Do you know how to cook?"

"Well...sort of, but I'm not very good."

"Oh wow, then how about you take over making breakfast tomorrow?"

"... No, I'd better not," I said quietly, unsure. I used to help Torfan cook often, but I wasn't as good as her. If I cooked something that didn't taste good, and it ended up making Phi Fah sick, it would be terrible.

"Why?"

"I'm not sure I can do it right."

"Have some confidence in yourself. I can help you cook," Phi Fah said as she gave me a slight smile.

Why does this smile make me feel so warm in my heart?

"Yes, thank you."

"No need to thank me. Let's go eat."

"Yes," I nodded before eating the food in front of me. It was still raining heavily outside.

Phi Fah said that if possible, he would not have chosen to prepare the frozen food, and would have preferred to take me to eat outside instead, but since it was raining too much, he didn't want me to get sick. This is... too much kindness, really. But since it's Phi Tonfah, it's not strange.

"Oh, but this is fun too."

"That's good. Torfan didn't answer my LINE yet. I took the audacity to send her a picture I took today, is that okay?"

"You took a picture?"

"Yes, from today, when we went out together. I took a picture and sent it to Torfan. I thought she would be worried about you."

"Oh..."

"That's strange. Normally, if it's something of yours, she'd respond right away."

"Maybe she was busy," I said, pressing my lips tightly together to hold back tears because I had cried a moment ago. Hearing that brought a lump to my throat.

"Phoon."

"Ah, okay." I looked up quickly when I realized I had been looking down silently.

"Tomorrow, we're going to do the paperwork to switch bedrooms and buy some plants."

"Buy some plants?"

"Yes. You like plants, don't you?"

"I like them... Yes. Phi Fah, will you take me to buy plants?"

"Yes. Also, we will look for information about the new dormitory. It has to have a large area to plant a lot of plants," Phi Fah said as she took out the garbage. I helped pick up the empty dishes from the table.

"It's okay," I nodded.

"May I ask why you like plants?"

"Ah... They make me feel better, I think," I said.

"Then it's okay, I can buy you some."

"Would you buy me a tree?"

"Yes, but take good care of them, each and every one."

"Yes, I will take good care of them." I promised confidently. I take good care of each tree I plant, because I love them so much. If I get a new place with a large area to plant more trees, that would be great.

"Between the trees and the sky, which do you like more?"

"Ah..." I was silent for a while at the question the Phi Fah suddenly asked. "Why?"

"I'm just asking."

"The sky," I replied. Because no matter what, I still love heaven more.

"Because the sky is beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Trees are tangible. They're a shelter, a place that makes you feel comfortable, but the sky...you can't touch it, right?"

"Yes, that's right." I agree.

Before Phi Fah went to take a shower, I planned to sleep on the couch tonight, so I took the liberty of fetching the blanket that was folded and placed on the shelf. I mustn't disturb Phi Fah....

"Will you sleep on the couch?" Phi Fah, who had just finished showering, came out and asked me still with her wet hair. I looked at the scene in front of me in shock before quickly turning around. This is not good... This is definitely not good. Suddenly, the image before me made my heart race.

"Humm... yeah."

"But... It's more comfortable to sleep in the bed."

"No, the owner of the room has to sleep in the bed."

"That's fine."

"Let me sleep on the couch." I grimaced in concern and looked at the other person. Phi Fah sighed a little before letting me sleep on the couch.

"If you need anything, you can knock on the door."

"Good night," I said.

"Good night."

I gave a small smile to the person who was about to open the door. I looked at the bedroom door, which was now completely closed. Phi Fah's voice as he said good night helped me a lot. At least tonight, I could sleep better than usual.

But because of the sound of the rain, I didn't want to sleep. I went over to sit on the hanging chair and looked out the window again. Yes, I still haven't written a letter to Torfan tonight. If I don't write, it will be bad. I don't feel good. It's like something is missing.

I sat hugging my knees and watching the light rain outside. Phi Fah's scent on his shirt floated faintly. It made me feel better if it's like what Dad said.... It really was a burden, I didn't want to be like that. Come to think of it, I never did anything for Phi Fah. It was only Phi Fah who did it for me. I may be better when I am with Phi Fah, but what about Phi Fah? Will he be better when he is with me? Or have I made him more tired and worried?

I feel so bad...

I continued to sit in a daze, turning on the lamp on the table to dim the light in the room. It's been almost an hour. Phi Fah must have fallen asleep. I reached up to gently wipe away my tears. I never liked this, but I don't know how to get up again. If possible, I want to smile a lot, I want to laugh and be happy without praying for a dream..... What should I do?

Why have I never found my way?

After a while, I heard the bedroom door open. I turned to look and saw Phi Fah coming out. When he saw me sitting there, she was a little surprised.

"You haven't slept yet?"

"Ah... yes, it's just not my usual bedtime."

"Hmm, what time do you usually sleep?"

"Usually... I sleep when I'm sleepy."My words made Phi Fah laugh.

"Yes, I understand." Phi Fah reached out and tousled my hair lightly, playfully, and walked over to the couch in front of the hanging chair I was sitting in. I reached up to touch my head which Phi Fah had just touched.

...Normally, should siblings do this?

"Are you sleepy now?"

"Not yet. How about you, Phi Fah, still not sleeping?"

"I just came to drink some water."

"Oh, should Phoon bring you some?"

"Hmm."

"What's wrong?" I raised my eyebrows and asked curiously when Fah looked surprised.

"Phoon means himself."

"¿...?"

"Sometimes you refer to yourself in the first person, sometimes you use your own name."

"Um... Is that strange?"

"No, I just think that if my name is Phoon, it will be like before."

"Ah..." I was silent for a while before speaking my mind. "And Fah... the same."

"How?"

"If you refer to yourself as Fah... it'll be like before."

"Ah... yes."

"Do you usually refer to yourself like that?"

"No. Only when I talk to Phoon."