I could only remain silent, turning to look at the person sitting across from me in confusion, before my heart started beating so fast I couldn't control it. It was no good. My heart shouldn't have been beating so fast like this.

"Do you remember why?"

"Ah?" I quickly regained my senses and turned to what Phi Fah was saying.

"No, why?"

"When you were a child, and I called myself as 'Phi,' you were confused about what "phi' was, because there were so many children in our neighborhood who referred to themselves that way. So, I started naming myself Phi Fah, so you could know I was talking about me."

"Oh..."

"Can't you remember?"

"No... No, I can't remember it at all."

I can't remember what Phi Fah told me. I can't remember at all that Phi Fah was ever simply called Phi before. But...did he really do it for that reason? Because I've referred to him the same way since I was a kid.

''Yeah, if I didn't say it like that, you wouldn't get used to it."

Ah... It's just a habit I had a while back. I didn't think it was like that... since my heart thought favorably about it without realizing it, that's why it hurts now. It's true, I deserve it.... Thinking favorably about myself, huh? How funny.

"Oh... That's true. But you don't have to refer to yourself that way anymore, okay? It's not like when I was a kid anymore." I said quietly, inhaling and exhaling with difficulty. My chest felt congested.

"Hmm, it's okay, I'm used to it."

"Oh, it's fine."

"Or you don't like it? If you don't like it, I won't do it anymore. It's fine."

"I don't dislike it..." I answered truthfully. Whether it's a habit or whatever, it's better to be like that only with me.... Yes, it has to be better. "You can refer to yourself that way."

"Then Phoon can refer to yourself that way too." Phi Fah smiled, somewhat kindly.

"...Yes."

"By the way, how's your neighborhood, has it changed much? I haven't been back since I moved in."

"Well... It's changed a little bit. Like, the dessert store is gone. The playground I used to play on has been replaced by stores." I said, thinking about the places around my neighborhood. What's changed since I was a kid? Everything changes over time, and it always makes me sad every time I think about it. "The storage shed...our base was demolished."

"Ah... What a pity."

"...Yes, what a pity."

"But well..." said Phi Fah, getting up from the sofa.

"Do you want me to make you some chocolate? So you can sleep." I was a little surprised that the other person suddenly changed the subject, but I nodded my head immediately.

"Do you need Phoon to help you?"

"Okay. Do you like sweet?"

"It doesn't have to be sweet."

"Okay," Phi Fah replied. I looked at the room owner who was heading to the kitchen to wait. But not long after, the hot chocolate was placed on the table in front of me.

"Thank you," I said my thanks before reaching out to grab the mug of chocolate.

"Phi Fah, you're not going to drink it?"

"No."

"Do you want a drink to sleep better?" I suggested, handing over the cup of cocoa, before Phi Fah shook his head slightly.

"Normally, I fall asleep easily because I don't have much time to rest."

"Oh..."

"So, I find ways to keep myself from getting sleepy."

"Do you study a lot?" I asked, and lifted my cup of cocoa to take a sip.

It's such a delicious hot chocolate... It reminds me of Torfan. When I couldn't sleep and got cranky with her, she would usually get up and make me something to drink before bedtime.

"Yes, vets have to study hard too, don't they? You have to keep trying."

"Yes." I nodded my head in agreement, looking out. It looked like the rain was picking up, with no sign of stopping.

"In fact, if there's anything you don't understand, you can ask me."

"...Ask?"

"Yes, some content in the first year is not that difficult. I can tutor you."

"Yes... thank you." I said softly. "I'll come and ask you if I need it." My words made the person in front of me smile a little more.

"Then... Try to sleep now, do you want an extra blanket?"

"No, it's not necessary."

"It's okay, Phi Fah will go to sleep. Good night again."

"Good night again to you too."

Phi Fah went to get water in the refrigerator before disappearing into the bedroom. The silence in the room returned. Then I remembered something, reached over to grab my phone and took a picture of the empty cocoa cup on the table. This must be one of the few photos on my Instagram that isn't a picture of the sky. And I added the caption, "Good night again."

____

"It's good morning already." A deep, familiar voice rang out. Before I opened my eyes, dazed, I found Phi Fah gently shaking me.

"...Uh, okay.". I slowly got up. The sunlight outside made me rub my eyes a little. A large hand reached out and grabbed my wrist at once.

"Don't rub your eyes." I looked at the hand holding my wrist before the other person let go.

"...Yes."

"Go shower first, then we'll prepare breakfast."

"Breakfast?"

"Yes, the breakfast you said we would prepare together."

Oh... That's right. We'll cook together. After I finished washing and dressing, I put on the same clothes I had on the day before because I thought I could wear them again and would probably come back today. When I came out, I saw Phi Fah preparing things on the counter in the kitchen area.

"Come help me chop some vegetables. You know how to do that, don't you?"

"Yeah, sure."

I went over to help, as I said, I wasn't very good, just a little bit because I often helped Dream cook. As I was trying to cut some vegetables, I looked at the person standing next to me and felt warm inside again. Seeing Phi Fah like this...I never thought it would happen.

"Be careful not to cut your hand with the knife," Phi Fah warned. Probably noticing my blank stare, I quickly turned to look back, feeling embarrassed. "You can do it."

"...You think?"

"Phoon is good at it. I told you to have confidence in yourself."

"Ah... Thank you." I said thank you again. I smiled involuntarily. It's good to be like this. Even though I'm in the state of a Nong, if it doesn't hurt too much, it's not too bad.

I still want to have it no matter what position I'm in. I don't want time to change this. While we were cooking, Phi Fah's phone rang. He turned to look at it and quickly dried his hands and went to pick it up. I, who had to continue preparing the food, did not see it. I only heard Phi Fah's voice.

"Are you okay?"

[...]

"All right. I will come to see you."

[...]

"Are you still there? Wait a minute. Um... Just ten minutes. Just wait ten minutes. I'll be there soon."

[...]

Normally, Phi Fah's tone would sound calm and indifferent, but right now, it sounded like he was anxious. Yes...that tone was full of anxiety, which was not very common.

"Phoon, I'm going out for a moment."

"Oh... Okay."

"You don't have to cook yet. Wait for Phi Fah to come back first."

"Okay."

I saw Phi Fah walk to grab a sweater and put it on, put on her shoes and hurried out of the room, leaving me standing alone in the room with a confused face.

As Phi Fah told me to put the kitchen on standby, I carefully turned off the gas stove and put the knife away. Who called him? Did something happen? Why did he have to rush so fast? At the very least, it seemed like it must be something important. I walked back to sit on the couch where I slept last night, folded the blanket and put it back. I just noticed the hyacinths we bought together on the sideboard next to the bookshelf. I don't know if Phi Fah has taken care of them or not, but he promised to try to take good care of them.

I was waiting for almost twenty minutes, but still no sign of the room owner returning. I went to see the ingredients and the food left. Phi Fah said we were going to cook together? It's okay, he just has other more important things to do.

Suddenly, I heard a phone ring again. I remembered it was Phi Fah's phone because mine was not this one. I followed the ringing and found it on the table in the same place.

Was he in such a hurry that he forgot his phone? I looked at the phone screen that showed "Hill" calling.

Hill?

If I remember correctly, this is the name of a friend Phi Fah said he wanted to introduce me to.

I hesitated for a long time whether to press accept or not because it was not my phone. If I answered, would it be considered too inappropriate? But when I thought I might have an urgent matter, I should tell him that Phi Fah was not here.

"Yes?", I said briefly to the person on the other end of the line.

[... Where is Tonfah?]

The deep but calm voice gave me goose bumps. It was as if the person on the other end of the line was not very happy that the person who answered the phone was not Phi Fah.

"Phi Fah is not here. He forgot his phone."

[Who is it?]

"... I am a Nong from Phi Fah."

[Ah... Where did he leave his phone?]

"In the room.

[His room? Where did he go?]

"[It seems that someone called him and he ran out."

[Hmm, when he comes back, tell him to call me back].

"Okay." I said before the other person hung up, this guy seemed so cold. Why did Phi Fah say he would introduce me to him? When he ended the call, the phone screen locked up. So I hung up. After a while, it was my phone that rang.

An incoming call: Ah Kong

Ah?

"Yes, Uncle."

[Phoon, are you free today?]

"I'm free. Is something wrong uncle?"

[I'm in Chiang Mai today. Come have lunch with me.]

"Oh... Sure. What time?"

[Can it be in thirty minutes? Where's your dorm? I'll pick you up.]

"Um... It's behind the university. If you get there, give me a call."

[Okay, see you then.]

"Okay."

I hung up the phone and smiled slightly. Uncle Kong is my father's secretary. As I said before, I talk more with my father's secretary than with my father. Uncle Kong likes to come to visit us often since I was a kid. Uncle is a very kind person. He knows everything that goes on in my family, so he knows that I am not his real son. But uncle is still kind to me.

Actually, I wanted to wait for Phi Fah to come back first, but since I had an appointment with Uncle and Phi Fah said he would be back soon, but it's been a long time and still no sign of him, I'll leave early. It probably won't be a problem. I can't talk to tell him first because it's not that important and besides, Phi Fah forgot his phone.

I left Phi Fah's room and took the bus back to the back of the university. I went back to my dorm and quickly changed my clothes before going out to eat with my uncle.

______

"How are you?" my uncle immediately started talking to me as I got into the car.

"Fine. How are you, uncle?"

"Of course you're fine. You talk like you haven't seen me in a long time. We saw each other before you left Phuket."

"That's right. Do you have something to do?"

"Yes, just some business. I thought I'd come visit you while I'm here."

"Oh."

We talked until we stopped in front of the restaurant. As we sat at the table waiting for our food, Uncle Kong started talking to me about everything. I was glad to still have my uncle. Although we are not related and are only acquaintances, at least he talks to me nicely, he doesn't yell at me or slander me. We meet sometimes, have dinner together and he asks me how I'm doing. That's all I really want.

"How long until the new semester starts?" my uncle asked as he ate his rice.

"About two months."

"Oh... That's good. So do you ride the bus often, do you know the way? Or not yet."

"Not yet." I shook my head slightly. "I don't get out much."

"Speaking of which, I still haven't bought you a present to celebrate you passing the exam. Do you still want that camera?"

"It's okay, Dad bought it for me," I said. Dad only transferred the money because I called to ask for it.

He didn't want me to get too involved with him. He transferred the money to get the matter over with.

"Rit is always like that," my uncle said. Rit is my father's name. Uncle Kong and my father are quite close because they have been friends for a long time and even work together now. I sigh. "Phoon. Actually, I want to talk to you about something."

"...What is it?"

"Rit sent me to tell you that he will send you to study somewhere else."

My uncle's words made me drop the fork in my hand immediately. I was stunned because I couldn't believe what I had just heard.

"Wh-what?"

"He was very angry that you found Tonfah. At first, I didn't think anything about it because he said he wanted you to study here, but when he heard that Tonfah was here, Rit started to think that you might do something bad."

"Something wrong? What's wrong? I don't..."

"I know, but in his mind, he thought you would tell Tonfah about Torfan"

"... I didn't think about that at all." I said softly, lowering my head, pursing my lips, feeling uncomfortable. Why was this happening to me, "Why did Dad think that?"

"Um..."

"Father must be dissatisfied with me, right?" I asked. When I saw my uncle's worried face, I knew immediately. "Why is that..."

"Why doesn't Rit want Khun Wichian and Khun Pha to know about Torfan?"

"...Yes." I clasped my two hands together tightly.

"Uncle... Tell me in detail, why did dad not want uncle and aunt to know?" My words made the person sitting in front of me look even more worried. She sighed deeply before she began to tell me.

"Yes, I'll tell you in detail.... Rit respects both of you very much. And Rit has always been someone who cares about his own image. He even thought about wanting his daughter to be with Khun Wichian's son."

Dad wants Torfan... to date Phi Fah...?

"In front of Khun Wichian, he always makes himself look good. That's why he chose to date good women and have a beautiful daughter.... Actually, the name Torfan (Dream) comes from the name Tonfah."

"...How's that?"

"The initials T and F."

Oh... That's right. T and F can be either TonFah or TorFan.

"So he lied to Khun Wichian and Khun Pha about you. When Tonfah was born, Khun Wichian and Khun Pha were still in Germany. When they came back, Tonfah was two or three years old. So you lied to both of them telling them that you had two children." I nodded as if I understood, because when I was abandoned with my father, Tonfah's family were abroad.

"If Khun Wichian and Khun Pha knew Torfan's story, they would definitely wonder why Rit and Pim divorced, and why Pim left him while you were still with them... If they knew the truth that Rit..." My uncle looked worried the whole time he was telling me the story. I felt it hurt a little, but the truth is the truth....

"If my uncle and aunt knew that my father had a secret... that I was conceived out of wedlock, that will disappoint my uncle and aunt, won't it?"

"It would probably be something like that..."

"Y... then why? If they abandon me... doesn't that look worse in uncle and aunt's eyes? W-why?" I asked as I tried to hold back tears and control myself as much as possible. My uncle looked at me with pity in his eyes and reached out to grab a tissue for me.

"Phoon..."

"Because daddy doesn't love me, does he? He probably doesn't want to see me..." I bit my lip so hard it bled. It didn't hurt as much as the burning sensation in my heart at that moment.

I understand... I understand now. Because Dad doesn't want to take care of me. If he lets me stay here, and my uncle and aunt cross me, Dad has to pretend to love me and take care of me for them to see. But dad doesn't want to do that. My uncle comforted me for a time before I went back to normal. No matter how many times I think about this matter, it still hurts. Just thinking...just thinking that I never received even a little bit of love, just thinking about it.

My heart felt like it was going to break into pieces.

"Y... what about what you said about Dad wanting me to... go study somewhere else?" I lowered my head and spoke softly. Even now, I barely had the strength to hold my other hand.

"To keep you away from them."

"N... No, no."

Tears welled up in my eyes again. No... no, don't keep me away from Phi Fah. No, I have no one left. Please...please. Can I ask this? Only from Phi Fah, okay?

"No, please, please." I looked up, my eyes burning. I pressed my lips together tightly until it hurt, and more than that, there was a dull ache inside my heart.

"Phoon...that's not for you to decide. I'm just telling you," my uncle said in a calm tone, trying to comfort me. "In fact, there are some colleges that are still accepting applications. Rit wants you to go study somewhere else."

"... No, no... please... Uncle... uncle, you know, don't you?"

Sob...

I let the tears flow, trying to hold back my sobs as much as possible. I quickly grabbed a tissue and quickly wiped my tears away so no one would notice.

"Uncle knows... Phoon wants to be with Tonfah, you know that right?"

"... Hmmm, I know. I could try talking to Rit again, at least not to try to convince him to just transfer you to another school. But Phoon... you might have to distance yourself a bit from Tonfah, or else..."

"Uncle."

"Hmm.

"If I don't get too involved with Phi Fah, it'll be fine, right?"

"Ah... Maybe."

"Then... give me a month."

"¿...?"

"Just one month, let me stay with Phi Fah just one more month. I won't tell him anything, I won't tell him about Torfan, I won't tell anyone, I swear. Just one month. And then... I won't get involved with Phi Fah again."

"Mmmm... Okay. I'll go tell Rit."

"... Okay..." I sobbed. "Thanks, uncle"

Yes... I just want this. I don't have to be by your side. I just want to see you. I just want to be able to see you a little... My sky.

_____

"Phoon, if you need anything, call me."

"Yes, thank you." I said thank you again as I got out of your car. We said goodbye for a while before walking back to my room.

I threw myself on the bed, exhausted. It wasn't my body that was exhausted, but my heart. Why is my love so hard? Maybe it's right. The person who should be by your side, Phi Fah, shouldn't be Phoon. He shouldn't have been there in the first place..... I looked at the picture on the wall in front of me. Torfan...

Why... is it like this?

If it was Torfan, things would be better. If Torfan was still here... None of this would be like this. It would never have happened like this. Being Torfan, he's good in every way.

That's what I kept thinking, why wasn't the person who got run over that day Phoon? If we could exchange... I would want Torfan to be here in my place, she was my parents' dream and hope, she was everyone's happiness, she could be by Phi Fah's side, she could do things that Phoon could never do. It's so tiring, Torfan.... I'm so tired... and it hurts.

How can it hurt so much... to try to go on living? I just don't want to be alone... I just want to have someone, I just don't want to... hug myself and cry like this anymore.

With my father or my mother, I used to demand love, I used to demand attention, but now... if we don't love each other, please let's not hurt each other.....

Typhoon do you have the right to be happy? After crying and cuddling in bed for almost ten minutes, the sound of a ringing phone woke me up from my thoughts. When I'm like this, it's hard to get up, and I've never been able to get up even once. I keep sinking deeper and deeper into that pain.

Phi Fah was calling...

"...Yes." I pressed the answer button and tried to control my voice from shaking as much as possible.

[Where are you Phoon, why did it take you so long to answer?]

"Ah... I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you."

[Where are you now?]

"I'm in my room."

[Are you okay? Why did you suddenly come back?]

"Oh... It's because an uncle of mine called me, and he said he wanted to treat me to lunch while I was here. So I went out first. I'm sorry."

[Ah... It's good that you're okay.]

The anxious tone on the other end of the line made me wonder if he was still worried about me.

"Phi Fah."

[Yes, what's wrong?]

"I would like to go out together again. Can you take Phoon somewhere else tomorrow?"

[Ah... sure. Okay.]

Just one month

Just one month to be with Phi Fah....

I hope it will be a month full of memories between us, and that... it will become the most precious memory for me.