To Torfan (Dream),

Sorry for not writing yesterday. Yesterday I stayed with Phi Fah (again) because there was no electricity in the dormitory. Phi Fah said Phoon's dorm was not very good, so he will find me a new dorm. That's very kind, don't you think?

At noon, Uncle Kong came to see me and told me about Dad. Torfan... Do you know why Dad is so cruel to Phoon? I apologize. I shouldn't say that about Dad, but... I don't know. To say I'm disappointed wouldn't be right because I didn't expect anything. I'm not exactly disappointed because my feelings are already broken. It's a feeling that, deep down, I know. Although I had never thought about it before, when Dad did something like this, I wasn't that surprised.

Dad is going to transfer me to another College, because he doesn't want me to be near Phi Fah.... So, I asked Uncle Kong to talk to Dad and let me stay for a month, and then I won't bother Phi Fah anymore, even though I always wanted to see him, but I have only seen him for a short time before I have to separate from him again. Just thinking about it makes me sad, but maybe it's not so bad? Maybe. At least I will see Phi Fah again sometime.

For the past few days, I've had the feeling that I'm a liar... I'm really bad. At first, I was thinking that I should tell Phi Fah the truth. But when dad called and said that.... That he didn't even mention the truth, it shortened the time I would have with him. In the next month, I just want every minute to be precious. I will spend it with Phi Fah as much as possible, even though he might get upset... What else could I do? It will only be one month. After that, Phi Fah will truly become an intangible heaven.

Seeing Phi Fah happy, maybe if he no longer has to take care of Phoon, he will feel more comfortable. Having to be with me all the time must be really hard. Maybe me leaving...might be a better thing for Phi Fah. Wish Phoon good luck.

Love, I miss you always Dream, Phoon.

I wanted to write more stories for Torfan, but since I wasn't ready, I decided to close the letter and put it in the drawer first. I quickly raised my hand to wipe away my tears. Just now, the paper was full of tear stains. It was all gone.

My gaze went back to looking at Torfan's photograph. I looked at her smile, which always healed me. It didn't matter if it was a sad day or a happy day, just seeing her smile got me through it.

I'll get through this too. Like every time before...

I was surprised by the ringing of the phone when I hung up from Phi Fah. I found out that this time it was Uncle Kong calling. That name took my breath away. I hope it's something good.

"Yes?", I said on the other end of the line.

[Phoon, I already called Rit and talked about your what you said.]

"... Yes. What did Dad say?"

[He won't accept it.]

I pressed my lips tightly together, feeling as if my heart skipped a beat.

[I'll try to talk again in person and call you again when I get back.]

"... Thanks, uncle"

[Um, don't stress too much.]

"Yeah."

I hung up the phone. The tears that came out of nowhere flowed slowly. Oh my gosh... My head hurts so much. My head always hurts after crying a lot. I reached up and massaged my eyebrows and temples for a while, hoping it would help relieve the headache. Until I decided to call my dad.I waited until he answered the call.

[What do you want?]

"About the faculty. I want to study here."

[Who do you think is sending you to study? Do you know how much it costs to send you to study? As someone who pays for everything, I have the right to choose where I want you to study."].

"If you send me to study somewhere else, you have to pay an application fee."

[...]

"Let me study here. I won't bother Phi Fah... Just one month."

[Kong already told me, one month is too long.]

"... Please."

[Two weeks.]

"One month, please."

[No]

"... You are so cruel. Although... I'm your son."

[...]

"I am your son... Even though you don't want to, you may think I'm a mistake. Yes, I'm your mistake. Look at me... You're the one who made this mistake because you cheated on your wife."

[Typhoon!]

"Yes... I'm Typhoon. I'm Typhoon: your son... By law, by law, I'm your son."

[What do you want?!]

"Me?!" I started sobbing and screaming loudly, which I don't do very often, but now I lost my senses and couldn't control myself. I felt like... I was ready to break again. "You... you, what do you want?"

[I want you to stay away from that family.]

"Because you're ashamed... You're so ashamed, aren't you? Sob... Sob, being ashamed is good, because it's all your fault!!!"

[...You!]

That tone of voice showed that my father was angry. He was so angry... As always when this kind of situation happens. I felt good that it was at least a phone call. Otherwise... Everything could have been worse.

"Are you blaming me? Why are you blaming me? What did I do? I was just born? I didn't even have a choice. You did... More... I..."

[...]

"If I had the choice, I'd have a normal family like everyone else too!"

I hung up the phone without waiting for my father to answer. I didn't care anymore... I didn't care what he said anymore. I would be here... I would be here no matter what....

I'd be here.

Please...

Please don't take everything away from me. I sat hugging my knees and crying for almost an hour. I didn't get a call from my father, I didn't get a call from anyone. I hated being so immersed in bad feelings and not being able to hold back as if the tears would never end.

No matter what, the tears kept flowing and flowing endlessly.I slumped in my chair, staring vacantly at the white wall. It was one of the rare occasions when I raised my voice to my father. I blurted out my desire for a normal family, like so many others. It's something many are born with, a father, mother or just a guardian.

Someone who can be a refuge, no need to cook delicious food, no need to make a bed, no need for gifts or big parties. I just want a normal family. No need to have free time to go for walks, no need to have meals together on vacations. I just want someone who doesn't go anywhere, who cares about me, listens to me and asks questions.

And the sad thing is that that person...was someone I used to have.....

I slowly got up from the chair and sat on the bed, hugging the teddy bear , that Torfan bought me. I hugged it tight and cried again.

She was my family...the only one I have and I couldn't keep her. She left without even getting a chance to reconcile. At that point, we were fighting. I was still stubborn. I treated her badly. I didn't even get a chance to apologize to her. And Torfan... she didn't even get a chance to come back and hear my apology.

At that moment, when I lost her, I realized that no matter how guilty I felt, I would never be forgiven again.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Torfan."

After almost two hours of crying myself into exhaustion, I tried to support myself and get up to wash my face. I made a cup of hot tea to drink, hoping to feel better. I looked at the teddy bear I was hugging earlier. I think

I'll have to take it out. It's really dirty. My eyelids hurt, my head hurts, but this condition is not that uncommon. It happens often, so I think these tears will never end.

While resting, I took the used tea bag I had refrigerated earlier and put it on my eyes. It really helped with the swelling in my eyes. This is something Torfan taught me.

I turned toward the door when I heard a knock. I went to look through the peephole and saw it was Phi Fah.

Phi Fah...

W-why?

"...Yes?" I slowly opened the door, looking at the person in front of me, not understanding.

"Phi Fah... is something wrong?"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but would you like to stay with me?" Phi Fah said with a small smile.

"Stay with you?" I raised my eyebrows in confusion at the other person's words.

"I haven't found a new dorm yet, and this dorm isn't very good. What will you do if the electricity goes out again?"

"...Oh, okay." I nodded. "Then... I'll go pack my things, give me a moment," I said before turning around and walking back to the room. Phi Fah was really very nice, but it was still a good thing.

"May I come in?"

"Yes, sure, come in." I answered without thinking, forgetting that there were only pictures of Torfan on the wall, so I quickly turned to look and saw Phi Fah looking at those pictures with a surprised expression.

"Hmm... Torfan? She doesn't look much different," Phi Fah said with a smile before his shocked expression softened. "Where is this?" he asked pointing to one of the pictures.

"Oh... Rayong, I think." I looked at the photo and tried to think. "I think so."

I saw the tea bag I used to put on my eyes. Wouldn't it be strange if I had a used tea bag on the table? I quickly packed my things. If Phi Fah noticed my belongings more than that, it wouldn't be good....

"Oh... Phi Fah, this morning when you went out, someone named Hill called you," I said when I remembered as we walked to get into the car. "He asked me to tell you to call him back."

"Ah... Did you answer the phone?" Phi Fah turned to ask me and I nodded. "Next time, you don't have to answer the phone."

"....Oh... okay."

I knew it... I shouldn't have, he got annoyed with me. Phi Fah definitely doesn't like anyone playing with his phone. Speaking of which... what must have been the urgent matter that made Phi Fah run out this morning? Although I wanted to know, I'd rather not ask. It wasn't something he should ask. It was a personal matter, after all.

I heard my phone ring again and it was Uncle Kong calling. I let out a deep sigh before asking to come out and talk on the phone.

"Phi Fah, you can wait in the car first. I need to talk on the phone for a moment" I said.

"Okay." Fah said before walking towards the car. I walked a little further away and pressed the answer button.

"Yeah, uncle."

[Phoon... did you say something? Rit is really angry.]

"... Yeah, I... just..." I frowned and immediately became serious. Will I get scolded again?

[Oh, never mind. Let's just say Rit gave up. At first, he said he would only give you two weeks, but I tried to talk to him and he agreed to give me a month].

"Really?"

[Um, one month. And after that, don't bother him any more.]

"... Yes".

Strange that, on the one hand, I was secretly happy. At least dad will let me stay with Fah for another month, but on the other hand, I felt so empty it was heartbreaking.

[I'm sorry, Phoon. If I could help more, it would be better.]

"It's okay, uncle. Thank you so much," I said and couldn't help but smile sadly.

[Phoon... Be patient.]

"Everything will be alright, right?" I repeated what my uncle had told me.

[Yes...]

"...Yes, then I'll hang up for now."

[Hmm, let's talk later]

"Yes."

I hung up the phone, looked at the screen for a while before putting it back in my pocket.

Be patient, everything will be fine.

I hate that word so much... Will it get better? How long have I been using this word to comfort myself? It still hasn't gotten better.

Will it get better?

When will that be...

Do I have to be patient?

How much longer do I have to be patient?.... I can't stand it any longer, do I still have to still have to bear it?

_____

"Are you okay?" That was the first thing Phi Fah asked when I got into the car. The other person's face looked a little worried, which made me smile.

"Why?"

"You look a little pale."

"Oh..."

"Phoon, would you like to get a medical checkup? I'm free now."

"A medical checkup?" I turned to ask the person next to me with a surprised expression. "N... no, it's probably the same old thing."

I figured that even if I got a checkup, there would be nothing but lack of food and rest. The usual stuff.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"Then can you join me shopping?"

"What do you want to buy?"

"A gift."

"A present?"

"Yes, my friend's birthday is tomorrow, and I don't have his present yet."

"Oh... Sure."

"Can you help me pick out a gift, Phoon?"

"I'm not sure I can help you."

"Yes you can."

_____

After the luxury car parked in the subway parking lot of a large shopping mall, I followed Phi Fah. I didn't know what kind of gift I was going to buy, but we had already passed several stores.

"The other day, I came to see some of these stores, but I didn't know what to buy. God." Phi Fah said as he put his hands in his pockets and looked bored. Did he know that with that pose, he would only attract more attention from passersby?

It's too bad I didn't bring my camera with me because if I took a picture right now, it would look like a picture from a clothing commercial. But even if I did bring my camera, it would look strange for me to photograph it anyway.

"Do you have any idea what I might buy?"

"Not at all. What kind of person is your friend? Maybe I can help you think of something to give him."

"Ah... Wait a minute. He's just calling me. Phoon, wait here for a moment," Phi Fah said after pulling out his phone to look at it. I nodded my head in understanding before sitting down and waiting on a seat in the clothing store.

"What's wrong?"

[Tonfah!]

"What?"

[I'm upset.]

"Why?"

[Your ex-girlfriend called me this morning. Fifteen times. Goddamn it.]

"She called you too?"

[Oh, what's wrong? Why did she call so many times?]

"She must have a problem with her new boyfriend. She couldn't reach me, so, she started calling all of you. Hill just called and yelled at me a moment ago."

[Idiot.]

"Sigh, did she cause you any trouble, Jo?"

[She's the one with the animal problem. I blocked her number.]

"Okay, block it. Hill has blocked it too."

[When will she stop bothering you?]

"I don't know what to tell you."

[Wow, you don't understand anything. She called you and you immediately offered to go see her].

"She was in trouble, what did you want me to do?"

[Nothing. For you to do nothing.]

"Jo."

[You... just... stay... still.]

"Jo, don't do anything."

[When did I say I was going to do something?]

"I can't trust you."

[Is she causing you a lot of trouble, Fah?]

"I'll take care of it myself. I won't let you guys get in trouble too."

[Fah?]

"I know. I have to talk to her."

[She should know by now.]

"[You sound very irritated."

[Hmm, they've been bugging me since morning.]

"Whose voice is that?"

[China.]

"Your mother China?"

[Yes, she called me to go shopping again. She bought so much that I thought she was opening a thrift store].

"Oh, I heard that you went to help your mother carry things."

[Phew, do you think I want to do that?]

"I came to buy something for your birthday. I don't know what to buy. Do you want something special?"

[Don't you want to surprise me?]

"No, tell me what you want."

[Anything, you don't have to buy anything. I don't want anything.]

"I don't have to buy anything?"

[Then buy anything.]

[It's okay.]

"Let's go to another store." Phi Fah walked toward me, who was waiting. I nodded my head before walking to another store. Phi Fah seemed to have no idea what I could buy. We walked all over the floor.

"I'm sorry, are you tired?"

"I'm fine," I said, shaking my head slightly. I didn't feel tired at all.

"Should I buy a shirt?"

"That would be nice."

"Um...but you already have a lot of shirts."

"What kind of person is your friend?", I asked the same question again. "Maybe I can help you pick out a gift."

"Um... it's hard to explain, but he's someone who has everything, so it's hard to buy him things."

"Is he quite wealthy?"

"You could say he's very wealthy."

"Oh..." I fell silent, taking a moment to think. "Then how about making something with your own hands? That would be something unique."

"I don't have time to make you something," Phi Fah said, before my eyes wandered to a store. "Let's go to that store." I followed Phi Fah to an expensive-looking brand-name clothing store.

"Which one is good?" Phi Fah asked me as he pointed to the two sweaters hanging on the hanger. They were both beautiful. I've never met someone who buys this kind of thing. I don't know which one would look better on him.

"Umm... I can't decide, Phoon, pick the one you like best."

"But..."

"Pick it. Don't overthink it."

"Then... the one on the left."

Then Phi Fah took the shirt on the left and went to pay. I secretly saw the price. It was about five figures, but I didn't see the exact number.

Ten thousand? ...

And he even picked the one I liked. What if I liked it and that guy didn't like it?

"What if only I like it but not your friend?", I asked as we walked back to the car to go back to the apartment.

"That's fine. He said he could buy anything and I couldn't make up my mind. It was good that you helped me," Phi Fah said in a relaxed tone, glancing toward the mirror and slowly turning the steering wheel, the luxury car began to pull out of the parking lot.

_____

Today, Phoon was able to help Phi Fah pick something out, Fan. That's great. Something as small as this is enough. Another thing... Dad let me stay here. Even though it's not the best, it's good enough.

"I have to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow," Phi Fah said as we got to the room, I was looking for something in my bag and looked at the other person who spoke, "It'll be in the evening."

"Oh, okay. So, do you want me to go back to my dorm or...?"

"No no, you can stay here. I won't be gone for long."

"Okay." I nodded and smiled secretly.

"Don't go drink too much," I said without thinking too much, which made Phi Fah smile slightly and look at me fondly.

"Yeah, Phi Fah doesn't usually drink too much."

"Oh... that's okay."

"Don't forget to look for information about a new dormitory," Phi Fah emphasized.

"We'll go look for it the day after tomorrow."

"Okay."

We cooked dinner together, instead of the breakfast we didn't finish and had to throw away. Then, we sat on the couch and watched a movie together. What we did together today reminded me of how happy I was to be with Phi Fah, and I didn't want to lose him. I don't want to lose you. I really don't.

"Phoon."

"Hmm... yes?"

"Why are you distracted, isn't the movie fun?"

"Oh, it's not that. I was just thinking about something." I quickly turned to look at the TV screen when I realized I was distracted watching it.

When I finished watching the movie together, I wanted to write down what movies I had watched with Phi Fah, so that when I watched them again, I would remember. Being with Phi Fah was nothing special, but it made me feel warm and safe in an indescribable way. I felt that seeing that person within my field of vision was my comfort.

____

"Good night," Phi Fah said as she was about to close the bedroom door. "Are you sure you want to sleep on the couch tonight?"

"Yes, good night."

"Yes," Phi Fah smiled before the bedroom door closed. I lay down on the same large couch, pulled the thin blanket over me and tried to close my eyes. Oddly enough, I fell asleep easily that night.

"Phoon... Sit down."

Excuse me?

I saw in front of me an image as if blurred... something pink, something blue... before a marble table and chairs appeared in front of me, the surroundings gradually became clearer, turning into the image of the front yard of our house.

My house? Why did I come home? I scanned my confused eyes around me... when I looked at myself, I saw that I was wearing pajamas.

Was I dreaming? ...

Then the person sitting in front of me was ... The smiling face of the woman I had been thinking about all along, smiling broadly at me, kindly. Torfan was sitting on the marble bench in front of me. in front of me. I immediately ran to her.

Sob... Sob...

I stopped in front of her and stood there crying. I had always prayed and wished I could meet Dream, even in my dreams. I wanted to see her, to hold her...

"Torfan... Fan."

"Phoon, don't cry. Sit down first," she said softly in her sweet familiar voice. I sat down across from Torfan, I noticed she was wearing the same clothes as the last time I had seen her, the day she was hit by a car.

"Torfan... Fan. why?"

"Don't cry, no, shhhhh."

Small, warm hands gently wiped away my tears, making me cry even harder. I lifted my hand and held her.

"Torfan...I miss you, I miss you." I held that hand and kissed it, my gaze settling on the person still smiling softly in front of me.

Thank you...

Thank you for still smiling at me like that.

"Torfan... I miss you, I miss you... all the time..."

"I know... because you tell me every day."

...Sob, sob.

"Umm?"

"In your letters." Sob... sob... sob...

"I miss you too."

Wuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I cried so hard I could barely breathe when I heard what the other person said.

"Fan..."

"Phoon... You've been through so many bad things all this time."

Sob, sob, sob... sob... sob.

I had a million words to say, but right now I can't say a single one. I just cry and cry until I feel like my heart is breaking. Every feeling, every longing, everything gets trapped in my chest.

"It's okay, shhhh, easy...it's okay."

Sob.

"Enough is enough. You've been through enough..."

"Torfan..." Sob... sob... sob... sob... I can barely see anything because my eyes are filled with tears. The image in front of me is blurry, but I can tell Torfan has started crying too.

"Torfan.... sorry... sorry...." Sob, sob, "I'm sorry I couldn't be there." I gripped Torfan's hand even tighter and lowered my head, resting my forehead on both of her palms.

"I'm sorry..." Sob, sob.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry, Phoon."

"Umm. I'm... forgive me Torfan..... Because of me, it was all because of Phoon... because of me you..." The person in front of me revealed a faint smile and shook her head slightly.

"No... No."

Before those two hands slowly moved to hold my face, the beautiful pair of eyes looked at me with tears still welling up in them.

"It wasn't your fault Phoon."

"... But... But..."

"Don't cry anymore... My little brother. Smile." I pursed my lips tightly and nodded slightly before wiping away my own tears hurriedly.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you always."

"Eat more."

"..." Torfan's words made the tears well up again. I nodded slowly in agreement. "How are you doing Torfan?"

"..." There was no answer, but the eyes that were stained with tears showed a sad look.

"Why can I see you if you... ?"

"I will always be in your dreams."

"But... I always only dream of that one time."

"I know..." The sweet voice was soft. Both the eyes and the smile looked sad making my heart ache. The pale face was streaked with tears.

"This is just a dream. You will always dream of something...it depends on the mood and feeling. Your sadness is too deep."

"Fan..."

"Hmm."

"Torfan you're still... with me, aren't you?"

"...."

"Torfan hasn't gone anywhere, has he? Fan is still by Phoon's side, isn't she?"

Sob...

"... I don't know."

Sob... Sob...

"I'm sorry. You must have suffered a lot, it must have been very painful, right?"

"Phoon... Listen."

"Hmm..."

"It may all be very difficult... but sometimes... you have to be strong. In the end, everyone has to be on their own.... Phoon can't stay with other people forever."

"....."

"I know that right now, it's not easy, right?.... A month from now, I wish you will only find good things and get good memories. Then... only then... no matter how painful everything is... you should be strong."

... Sob, sob, sob.

A warm hand gently caressed my face.

"No matter what happens..."

Sob... Sob.

"Phoon, please love yourself as I loved you."

Sob, sob.

¡¡¡...!!!

I opened my eyes and felt my heart pounding, and tears streamed down my face. I slowly leaned back and carelessly wiped my tears away, but when I remembered the scene just now, I wanted to cry again.

Calm down for a moment, slowly get up to wash your face and get some water to drink to calm down. I leaned against the kitchen counter and stared for a while. My head was full of confused thoughts.

Torfan... Why did I dream that?

Before, I often dreamed about Torfan, but they were about the past or the day she died.

I've never had a dream like this before. I don't know what it is. Is it a dream? Was it Torfan's way of telling me she's still by my side?

Or am I just imagining it? There's no answer because people often say that dreams happen because we think about that person so much. And the stories that happen in dreams are stories we want to happen because we want to know them.

Because I want to ask for forgiveness.

Because I want to be forgiven.

I wanted him to read the letters I wrote to her, to hear my apologies, to be able to say sorry, to feel the warmth of his hands, to see his smile, to hear the tone of her voice, the comfort, the concern, the goodwill, the words of love. I don't know if those things were real or not.

But even if it was just a dream.

Even if you don't really exist anymore.

But at least, at least...

You always heal me.