I sat looking at the photo on the table and couldn't help but smile. It was a picture of our family when I was six years old. I usually kept this picture under my drawer. I don't know why...I just felt a strange feeling in my chest when I looked at it. There were smiles of my dad, mom and Torfan in matching t-shirts and standing holding hands and smiling broadly at the camera. Could it be a warmer family if I was really their son? Oh, this kind of thought shouldn't have popped into my head. But it wasn't all bad. We ate together, traveled together, talked together, were father and mother together, we were father and mother, daughter, son, siblings and family.

Half of us were once family.....

It had been more than a week since I made the promise to Phi Fah. I asked him why I had to make a promise and Phi Fah said he made every student he tutored make a promise like this. A lot of people like to leave before they finish because they get discouraged and don't want to continue tutoring. Phi Fah doesn't want me to be like that. No wonder. Phi Fah is still Phi Fah.

Nothing has changed between us, and I like it that way. We are normal brothers. Sometimes we chat, meet to study at a coffee shop in the evening and call each other to study. But we don't call each other every night because Phi Fah has other students to tutor. It's...a little disappointing, but it's okay. Nothing hurts as much as having to say goodbye again.

It's like counting the days until I'm lonely again. I'm starting to hate the morning. No, I hate the time that's starting to pass. I used to be someone who looked forward to the sunrise because it showed that my life had passed another day. But this is the first time I feel... I hate tomorrow. I don't want time to pass, I don't want tomorrow to come. But I can't do anything. I can't stop time. I can't change my father's mind. I want to stay, but I can't. There is nothing I can do i everyday simplicity is about to change. Will there no longer be a man named Tonfah? I'm getting used to it, though. If I have to be alone again, will it be as lonely as before? Or will it be more painful? Though I love every quiet day like this, happiness that has nothing special starts from the morning.

I would greet him and ask him how was the sky today. He would answer and ask if I had eaten. Sometimes the deep voice on the other end of the line would calmly explain the content of the subject to me. It was the person who asked me for hot chocolate to drink every time, the one who is left-handed, but writes with his right hand because he said he didn't want to disturb other people, the one who always thinks of others before himself. I often wonder if he is tired of having to take care of other people, the person who has a slight scent that I don't know what it is, but just being near him makes me feel comfortable.

How can you have a smile like that? A smile that can always heal others. Those warm and burning eyes, just looking at them makes my heart melt. No matter who sent you to me, let me meet you, I want to thank you so much... and I want to apologize for not being able to keep you. I stepped out onto the balcony and found that the sky was getting darker and the air was getting colder. It won't be long before it rains. They say the sky after rain is always beautiful. But what will we do if the rain never stops falling? It will become rain that will fall forever. No matter when I look up, I only see dark clouds. I like that saying: the sky after rain is always beautiful. But I'm afraid... I'm so afraid my rain will never stop falling.

"It's too bad there's no sun today," I told the plants I planted before moving the pots into the shade so that when it rained, the raindrops wouldn't splash them. Plants need water, but some plants, if they get too much water, will rot and die.

I have a lot of plants on the balcony, which almost sprawl across the room. Phi Fah took me to buy many of them, and also bought a piece of furniture to put all my cameras in. Phi Fah said that if there is a special occasion, he will buy me a camera as a gift.

If I could... well, I'd love to... I'd really love to. Ah... it's raining.

I stood on the balcony, not caring if a few raindrops splashed on me, no matter how cold it was. But I didn't want to leave here. I wanted to look at the sky, to cry like this forever. Because the sky was crying while it was raining....

I got to take a picture too.... When I remembered, I quickly went to get my camera and took it. It's a pity that my sky is not very bright today, but you already cried for me.

As for me... I have almost no tears left to shed. My phone vibrated as a notification that someone had sent me a message.

Tf: I still haven't sent you the picture of today's sky.

Tf: *Send a picture*.

Tf: The weather is a little bad today. Don't go out in the rain.

This message alone makes me smile easily. This person who looks at the sky with me, will he look at it more often? Will he notice how it changes every day? Or just take a picture of it and send it to me? Will he know it's someone's precious sky?

Phoon: *Sends a photo.

Phoon: Yeah, you don't let the rain get you either.

Tf: It's too late. I already got caught in the rain.

Tf: *Send a photo*

He sent a photo of a road in heavy rain. Next to it, there appears to be a parked motorcycle. When it says 'caught in the rain', does that mean Phi Fah drove a motorcycle and got caught in the rain? The rain is getting heavier.

Phoon: That's a pity. 😢

Phoon: Be careful not to get sick.

Tf: I'm fine. So, are you in your room?

Phoon: Yes.

Phoon: I haven't gone out today. I'm worried about getting caught in the rain.

Tf: Then it only happened to me 555.

Tf: You're in your room, aren't you?

Phoon: Where did you get caught in the rain?

Tf: *Sends a picture*.

Tf: Actually, I'm not that far from your bedroom.

I frowned at the photo Phi Fah sent me, trying to remember which part it was. Because I saw Phi Fah say that I wasn't that far from my dorm. I really want to go see him.... At least, I could bring him a t-shirt or a towel, otherwise he'll definitely catch a cold.

Phoon: Wait for me.

Tf: What? Are you coming? No need. What if you get lost?

Phoon: I won't get lost. I know enough.

Phoon : *sends a sticker*

Tf. : No way. If you come, I'll get mad.

I locked my phone screen, ignoring Phi Fah's message. I didn't want him to get angry, but I wanted to go see him more.

Phi Fah often came to my aid, didn't he? And now he had been caught in the rain.... I wanted to go see Phi Fah too. I wanted to do something for him before he didn't get the chance to do it again.

I quickly went to get an unused towel and a larger T-shirt. I grabbed an umbrella and ran downstairs from the bedroom. I don't know if it would do much good, but at least Phi Fah will have someone stuck in the rain with him.

Typhoon... You shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have been so reckless.

Where was I supposed to go?

I stood confused with myself in the heavy rain. The umbrella I was holding didn't protect me much, so my whole body was soaked. Why am I so stupid? It has been waiting for almost fifteen minutes. What's even more annoying is that I forgot to take out my phone. At first, I thought I had put it in my pants pocket. I must have left it somewhere and forgot to take it with me.

¡¡...!!

As I stood there, bewildered, a hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. Startled, I quickly looked up to identify who was behind me. Who could it be? Unexpectedly, I saw someone wearing a helmet. The figure in front of me raised his visor, revealing the face of Phi Fah with a rather displeased expression. He looked at me as he surveyed the surroundings, noting my appearance drenched by the pouring rain and strong winds. Phi Fah sought shelter, while I silently wished that the towel I was carrying would stay dry.

Not long after, the motorcycle stopped under a parking lot. Phi Fah quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me to safety. She removed her helmet, revealing her wet hair, which she gently tousled to shake off the water.

Oh... At that moment... It was as if my heart stopped for a second.

"You're not too wet, are you?" Phi Fah asked with a worried tone, along with a face that didn't look too happy.

"No, here's a towel for you." I quickly handed him the towel. Phi Fah took it but used it to dry my hair. I stood there confused, letting the other person dry it, before pursing my lips tightly to contain my feelings, but it didn't seem to help, because my heart was beating fast from the actions of the man in front of me.

When the other person stopped, my hand grabbed the towel and I looked up. Phi Fah's angry expression...I was so scared, I immediately lowered my head.

"Why don't you listen to me, didn't I tell you I would be angry?"

"Yes... but I... I'm sorry." I pressed my lips tightly together, frowned and grimaced with a bad feeling in my heart.

At first, I had intended to bring a towel and a shirt for Phi Fah, but I got lost and made Phi Fah have to look for me, and she got even wetter....

Whew....

"Never mind." Phi Fah sighed a little before standing with her back against the wall. "It's raining so hard that even with an umbrella, you'd get wet. Why are you just standing there?"

"Well it's just...I mean...I didn't know which way to go." My words made Phi Fah raise his eyebrows and grimace as if he wasn't surprised.

"Yes, I thought so."

"Sorry, I caused you trouble."

"It's okay," Phi Fah said. I walked over and leaned against the wall next to him. Phi Fah reached out and gently stroked my head. "If I had stayed in the bedroom to begin with, I wouldn't have gotten wet."

Ah... Oh no. Don't touch my head like that... it's not good.

I moved away a little slowly and Phi Fah seemed surprised by my behavior, but slowly lowered her hand.

"Phi Fah, would you like to dry your hair first?" I said and handed him the towel again. But he shook his head. "So... Do you want to change your shirt? Your shirt is very wet. If you wear it for too long, you'll definitely get sick."

"Hmm? Did you bring it for me, can I wear it?"

"Yes, of course you can," I said as I handed him the shirt. It was a very large shirt and I was sure Phi Fah would fit. Suddenly, I saw him start to lift up his soaked shirt.

"Are you going to change here?"

"Um... There's no one." Phi Fah said with a small smile. "Then, can I borrow your shirt?" The person next to me took the shirt before he finished taking off his wet clothes, dried himself with the towel and put on the new shirt.

I tried not to look, I only saw out of the corner of my eye what he was doing. I shouldn't look... I definitely shouldn't look.

"Thank you," Phi Fah said.

"Sure."

That's fine. I'm happy to help Phi Fah, even if it makes it more difficult for me.....

"Then, I can stay here with Phi Fah in the rain."

"Ah... okay."

Because the umbrella probably won't work anymore. The rain was too strong and the wind was too strong. But...anyway, I intended to meet Phi Fah in the rain.

"Phi Fah."

"Yes."

"...It's nothing." I felt I had something to say to Phi Fah and called out to him, but in the end, I didn't know what to say. "Why are you here?"

"Well, I had some business to attend to."

"I just found out that you drive a motorcycle."

"Is that strange?"

"No," I said. Because Phi Fah seems better suited to drive a car. But driving a big motorcycle like this is cool too. "I've never driven a big motorcycle before."

"Are you afraid of it?"

"No," I shook my head. Even though it was raining, riding a motorcycle with Phi Fah, it shouldn't be scary at all. "But it's bad to be on it and get stuck in the rain like this."

"That's true."

"But.. I remember your friend also rode in the rain," I said when I thought of Phi Fah's friend, who I saw riding a big motorcycle in the rain that day.

"I don't really like riding motorcycles in the rain. Especially today, when it's pouring down rain."

"Oh," I nodded slightly, indicating that I understood. Between us, silence reigned, no conversation amidst the sound of the pouring rain. We stood side by side but talked about nothing. I don't know if I should say something or if it's better to just remain silent.

"Phi Fah."

"Yes?"

"What if the rain never stops?"

"Of course it will stop, even if it looks like it's flooding now."

"...Yes." I said and let out a small laugh. "If there was an area where it rained all the time, would the people who live there ever get to see a clear sky?"

"Why would they have to see a clear sky?"

"...Well."

"Some people learn to be happy in the rain."

"Oh..."

Phi Fah's words left me silent. Learning to be happy in the rain.... I... should... learn... to be happy in the rain that will fall forever. "You're right."

I never thought I would be able to smile in the rain of pain, but as Phi Fah said... sometimes we have to learn to live with it when we can't help it.

I can't ask for it to stop raining. I have prayed for my sky to be clear all the time, but it never clears up. I can't do anything about it. I just have to live with it....

"Phoon."

"Yes?" I turned to look at the person next to me who called out to me.

"You're smiling. Did you know that?"

"Oh... me. Did I accidentally smile?"

"That's right." Phi Fah replied with a smile on his face. "And you know what?"

"What's wrong?"

I only have my father... I can't not have my dad, no matter what.... I still love and respect him... As I used to think, it may not have been a perfect family from the beginning, but it's my family, the only family I have. I thought Phi Fah would be angry and wouldn't understand, but I.... I did something I never wanted to do.

"I thought Phi Fah would still be mad at me."

"Uh, no, I'm not angry anymore."

"Lucky you, that's good. I won't do it again."

I stepped back and built a wall. I pretended to be dissatisfied with a lot of things Fah did, like touching me, holding my hand, or even stupid things like.... I told Phi Fah that I didn't like cocoa and so he stopped ordering it for me.

At that time, Phi Fah... must have felt really bad, I thought that if I suddenly disappeared, he would definitely get suspicious, and since dad didn't want Phi Fah to know, I had to make him not suspicious, and I decided to start worsening our relationship. It turned out that lately we were uncomfortable being together.

Dad... told me to do it.

If one day he disappeared... it wouldn't be surprising, but believe me... I didn't want to do this at all. I'm sorry...

I don't dislike you stroking my head, I like you holding my hand, I like the chocolate you ordered, I don't get mad that you're busy and so you miss some dates with me, I don't mind the noise when we talk on the phone, I don't hate your fragrant smell, I like you forcing me to eat, I like you saying goodnight every night, I like you worrying about me, I love every second I'm with you.

I love you...

"Where else do you want to go, Phoon?"

"... Ah. Wait a minute Phi, let me answer the phone first."

"Ah... okay." Phi Fah smiled and nodded slowly. I quickly got up from the table and pressed the answer button.

"Yes, uncle."

[It's the last day, how are you?]

"... Bad... but okay."

[Um, uncle understands, Rit.... ah, what should I say, he's not listening to me at all, he's the same as before].

"Yeah... dad is like that."

Because recently, when I started to distance myself from Phi Fah, I had to try to control myself. A lot of times, when I hurt Phi Fah's feelings, it made me feel inexplicably hate myself, so I had to call my uncle all the time and he would try to convince me that it was the best thing for me.

[So how is he doing, is Tonfah curious?]

"...Probably not..."

[That's good. Make Tonfah understand that you don't want to be with him. That way, he won't follow you anymore.]

"...Uncle."

[What?]

"I don't want... it to be like this."

[It's too late, Phoon. It's already too late.]

"... I understand."

[This is for the best. Trust me. Last time, Tonfah called Rit too.]

"Ah... Really?"

[He asked why Phoon was acting strangely.]

"What did dad say?"

[Rit... He said it was because you don't like some things and you probably weren't happy.]

"... Ah."

[Rit said that Tonfah was a bit discouraged because you were getting further and further apart.]

"... I understand."

[Are you okay?]

"I'll be fine."

[That's good. Then... I'll hang up first.]

"Okay."

Then the other end of the line hung up. I let out a deep sigh. My separation from Phi Fah was something my father wanted. He didn't want Phi Fah's family to know that I was an illegitimate child. I understood that it would look bad if everyone found out.

I understand...

I have to understand...

I tried to hold back the tears that were about to well up again. My heart was pounding. Both my hands were starting to go numb. I spent about five more minutes standing outside the tent before I could control myself and go back inside.

____

"Phoon."

"Yes?"

"It's just that... umm, do you want me to help you by tutoring chemistry tonight?"

"Ah, but I'm not sure if I can tutor you so you can understand." Phi Fah seemed to be forcing a smile because I once said that I didn't understand his teaching method at all, although I actually understood it, I understood it very well. When I said that, Phi Fah felt bad because he was very serious about teaching....

I accidentally pursed my lips tightly... and ended up digging my nails into my palms until it hurt.

"Okay, then. Do you want to go back now?" Phi Fah made a motion to stand up. I quickly spoke first. "...Do you want to come back with me?"

"But... You told me you don't like the way Phi Fah drive remember?"

"Yes I know, but... "

" It's okay. Let me give you a ride."

"Okay."

Before paying for the food and leaving the restaurant, as I followed Phi Fah, I thought about all the things I had done.

I hate myself.

I hate Phoon for always hurting Phi Fah like this. I said I wanted to see Phi Fah... and he came all the way here because he wanted to see him, to be with me, but it turned out that I was the one who made everything worse. If I hadn't come... Phi Fah wouldn't have had to go through this.

Even though we are just acquaintances... but to do this to him, anyone would be sad. I became the one who ruined... everything.

Everything is wrong.

No matter what I do, I can never make it right. I'm just a person who hurts others and makes everything worse. No one with me is happy. Why do I have to be like this all the time? Why are you still here... Phoon?

"Phoon."

"..."

"Phoon."

"¿... Yes?"

"You look pale. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I replied quietly. But that wasn't true.

My head hurts... I have a terrible headache, a very bad one. The migraines are coming back. Lately, I have been suffering from migraines frequently. I've been going to the clinic to buy some medications, but they don't seem to help much.

When I get angry and mad at myself because I can't do anything, I blame myself even more. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection. The harsh words I used to berate myself were because I hated myself. I hated myself for who I am now.

Oh my God.

I told myself I would be happy in the rain. But I can't do it... Right now, I really can't do it.

I leaned my head against the car window limply. The stinging sensation kept increasing. It was as if someone was squeezing my eyes and forcing me to close them. No, I brought medicine with me, but I couldn't let Phi Fah know I had a migraine.

Until I accidentally fell asleep...as if my body couldn't take it anymore. I woke up groggy and found myself lying on Phi Fah's bed.... I slowly got up and saw that Phi Fah was sitting on the table with his back to me. When he heard the sound of movement, Phi Fah immediately turned to look at me.

"Are you awake, how are you?"

"...Did I fall asleep?"

"Yes, you seem to be sick and have a fever."

"Ah... How awful," I said softly to myself. Stressed to the point of having a fever? It's not often that happens, but at least the headache was relieved somewhat.

"Would you like to get up and eat something so you can take your medicine?"

"Yes."

"I took the liberty of bringing you to my room because to get into your bedroom I needed a key and I didn't dare search your things."

"That's okay," I said. "Thank you."

As for thanking him, I said it more quietly. I don't know why, but I left the room following Phi Fah. I looked at the table and guessed that Phi Fah was probably reading a book. It was the chemistry chapter he was going to give me in the tutoring class. Phi Fah also had to get ready to tutor me, but I.... Oh God... Oh God, my head is starting to hurt again.

I sat down to eat the rice soup that Phi Fah had prepared for me and take my medicine. At first, Phi Fah told me to stay and he would see if I was fit for tutoring, but since I didn't look well, Phi Fah told me he would cancel today's tutoring session.

"Okay. I'll take tutoring."

"Take a rest. Don't force yourself."

"No, come on, I'll stay for my tutoring class."

"Phoon..." Phi Fah frowned at me, not understanding.

Yeah... Phi Fah probably doesn't know that there won't be a time like this anymore.

"Yes, I want to take tutoring classes now."

Phew.

"Okay, fine." The other person sighed a little.

After I finished eating and taking my medicine, Phi Fah put the book on the table in front of the sofa and tutored me in chemistry as he always does. I listened attentively as I always do. But what I did more than usual was try to remember the tone of voice and body odor of the person next to me. Remembering it for a long, long time....

"Do you understand what I explained to you, are you okay?"

"Ah... I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Okay, then let's continue." I nodded.

We spent almost two hours on the couch studying the subject until Phi Fah said that for today, that was enough. Normally, we only give private lessons for this time. Then Phi Fah told me to go to bed and rest so I could recover quickly.

It is already 9 pm ...

Time went by so fast

Tomorrow, when it's a new morning ... everything will change.

"Do you want to go back to sleep in your bedroom? I can take you back."

"Okay. Can I sleep here?"

"Sure. Do you want to sleep in the bed?"

"No, it's okay. I'll sleep on the couch."

"That's fine. Good night."

"Good night."

I said good night...before watching Phi Fah go into her bedroom. I sat alone on the couch and silence came to visit me. I leaned back on the couch wearily, pulled out my phone to take a picture of the room without hesitation. The corner of the couch where we sat together, where we watched TV, drank coffee and talked. The corner of the hanging chair by the window, which is my favorite corner when I visit Phi Fah's room.

Phi Fah's room. The kitchen corner where we used to cook together. The book corner, which I guess is Phi Fah's favorite corner, it is full of academic books, general knowledge books and each book has traces of having been read many times.

The sky that you can see from the balcony, the view that you see of the sky, the hyacinth tree we bought together, is the hyacinth I chose for him. It is still well taken care of.

I won't come back to this room, I won't see you sitting here. That desk where you often sit and read books, I like to secretly look at you often. When you are concentrating on doing something, you look so charming.

I went over to sit in the hanging chair and stared out the window. I found there were no stars today, just an empty sky.

Mr. Sky... are you lonely?

Even if some nights there are no stars, it doesn't have to be sad. The stars have not abandoned you. They are always by your side, even if you can't see them. They are stars that want to shine by your side. But I am just a planet without light, waiting only for reflected light. I keep waiting and will always wait.... I'll be by your side, even if you can't see it.

I am not a beautiful moon, nor a warming sun. I'm just a small planet waiting for the day when it will decay and turn to dust. But no matter where you are in the universe, no matter how much time passes, no matter what happens from now on, Just come back.... You'll find that... I haven't gone anywhere.

I wiped away the gently falling tears and looked at the time. It was almost midnight. As I was distracted, I didn't know how fast the time had passed. I couldn't sleep.

I didn't know if I would be able to sleep again from now on or if I would have nightmares again. But I wish you good night... that's enough. I don't know what inspired me to walk to Phi Fah's bedroom. I slowly opened the door and discovered that the room was completely dark. Phi Fah must have fallen asleep.

I closed the door tightly and walked into the room where only the sound of the air conditioner could be heard. The air in the room was cool and comfortable, and the person lying on the bed was sleeping soundly. I approached slowly and carefully so as not to make any noise.

It took a while for my eyes to get used to the darkness. I am afraid of the dark. My hands were still shaking a little, but thinking that Phi Fah was there, I wasn't too afraid.

I sat on the floor next to the bed and looked at the other person sleeping soundly, inhaling and exhaling steadily. I didn't see Phi Fah sleeping very often, and this was the first time I looked at him so closely. It was as if I was hypnotized.

I became aware of the image in front of me. I didn't want to look away...

This was the first time I saw Phi Fah sleeping.... Please keep this image in mind.... Even though my body was sending me signals that I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to rest, but I didn't want to sleep right now. I wanted to sit like this forever. It may not have looked good, but believe me.... If I never got the chance to see him like that again, no one would want to stay like that for as long as possible.

I put my arm on the bed, lowered my chin and looked at the person in front of me. I reached out to brush the hair that was lightly covering his face and pulled back the blanket, because I was afraid he might feel bad. I could smell the faint scent of the owner of the bed, it was that scent that made me feel more comfortable, but which I ended up saying I didn't like.

I'm sorry...

I let the time pass no matter how long it was. I've been like this many times... sitting groggy until morning, because I often can't sleep. I'm absentmindedly thinking about things that happened between us, from when we were kids, the time we were apart, until we met again and had to separate again.

I don't know what will happen next - how sad will Phi Fah be? But I'm about to fall apart myself. I don't know when I will...