｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。oxytocin 　ﾟ･｡･

» [bored by billie eilish] « 0:58 ─〇───── 3:32 ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

july 30th, 2022

MILLIE WAS SAT IN same purple tracksuit, the one she'd worn to a sidemen shoot the day before, though now it felt more like a comfort than a fashion statement. she hadn't bothered to change after everything that had happened. the day had been too chaotic, too busy, and she didn't have the energy to care about anything else.

the shoot the previous day was one of millie's first since finn had passed, and it was eating her alive. every click of the camera, every glance in the mirror, reminded her of the weight she was carrying, the grief she had pushed to the side completely. she had tried to push through it, to act like everything was fine, but it was like a constant knot in her stomach, a reminder that nothing felt normal anymore. she had come back to work because she knew finn would've wanted her to, but the emptiness was always there, lurking just beneath the surface.

the apartment was quiet, everyone else had gone out for the night, leaving her alone with her thoughts. and as much as she tried to push it away, she could feel it creeping in.

the grief. the panic.

it was sudden, the way it hit her. one moment she was sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone while watching brooklyn nine nine, and the next, she felt the familiar tightening in her chest.

her breath caught in her throat, and she tried to steady herself, but it was like she was suffocating. she paused jake proposing to amy, and stood up quickly, the dizziness hitting her like a wave, and she stumbled back to the couch, clutching the armrest as her vision blurred.

it was a panic attack. one she hadn't had in a while, but one that still felt all too familiar.

just then, daisy, her dog, trotted over to her, sensing the change in her mood. daisy's soft, brown eyes stared up at her with concern, and she nudged her head against millie's leg, trying to comfort her.

"hey, girlie," millie murmured weakly, her voice shaky. she scratched behind daisy's ears, trying to ground herself. "i'm okay, i swear."

but daisy wasn't having it. she jumped up on the couch, nuzzling into millie's lap, her tail wagging, desperate to help. millie couldn't help but smile a little at the dog's persistence, even though she felt far from okay.

as she tried to play with daisy, her mind was still racing, her body shaking, and the panic attack was only getting worse. the room felt smaller, the air thicker, and she could barely catch her breath.

"god, i hate this," millie muttered under her breath, throwing a toy to get daisy off her lap, even though the dog clearly wasn't giving up on her.

but before she could do anything else, the nausea hit her. her stomach churned, and she felt that sick, familiar wave rush up her throat.

"shit," she gasped, stumbling to her feet. she didn't even have time to grab her phone or tell daisy anything—she just bolted to the bathroom, her breath shallow and ragged. she barely made it before she doubled over the toilet, the overwhelming feeling of sickness taking over.

as she knelt there, feeling dizzy and weak, the doorbell rang. she didn't have the energy to get up and answer it, but the sound of it cut through the fog in her mind.

she leaned against the bathroom sink, trying to steady herself, still feeling like she was suffocating. her phone buzzed from the other room, but she couldn't bring herself to check it.

just then, the door creaked open, and harry's voice called out from the hallway. "millie? you here?"

she froze for a second, unsure if she should respond. but then he stepped into the living room, his eyes immediately locking onto her, concern flooding his features.

"hey," he said gently, walking over to her. "you okay?"

she didn't know how to answer, but the way he looked at her made something inside her crack. it wasn't just the panic attack—it was everything. the grief, the loneliness, the weight of it all.

harry knelt down in front of her, his hand reaching out to touch her arm, his touch warm and steady. "you don't have to say anything," he said softly. "just breathe with me, yeah?"

she nodded, her chest tightening again as he guided her through the breaths, slow and steady. his presence was calming, and for the first time that day, she felt like maybe, just maybe, she wasn't completely alone.

daisy, sensing the shift in energy, curled up beside millie's feet, offering her quiet support as harry continued to help her breathe.

harry could see the panic in millie's eyes as she stood up and started to pace the room, her breathing shallow. without a word, he quickly made his way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and bringing it to her. "hey," he said softly, his voice steady. "drink this. you're gonna be alright."

millie hesitated for a moment, but then took the glass, her hands trembling slightly. she gulped it down, grateful for the coolness that calmed her throat, but it didn't do much to settle the storm inside her.

"i don't know what's wrong with me," she whispered, sitting down on the edge of the sofa, her head in her hands. "it's just... everything's too much right now."

harry sat next to her, watching her with concern. "you don't have to explain it all at once. just breathe, yeah?"

millie nodded, closing her eyes for a second, trying to focus on her breathing. the panic hadn't fully subsided, but it was easing. after a moment, she spoke again, her voice quieter this time. "i thought i was fine, you know? but it hit me—everything's been so overwhelming. it's been so hard without finn."

harry's heart ached for her, but he didn't know what to say. instead, he just sat there, offering her the space to feel whatever she needed to feel.

"i don't know how to keep going," millie admitted, her voice cracking. "it's like i'm stuck in this loop, pretending everything's fine, but it's not."

he didn't have the answers, but he could see she needed something more than words. "hey, let's get you changed, alright? just for a bit. no pressure, let's get you comfortable."

millie nodded, and harry went to grab some clothes for her—her worn-out pink pj bottoms and a cozy gray spongebob hoodie. he gently helped her change, his movements slow and careful, as if afraid she might break if he wasn't gentle enough.

as she slipped into the soft clothes, she let out a breath, feeling a little more grounded. "thanks," she said quietly, her voice still shaky.

"anytime," harry replied, offering her a small smile. "you're not alone in this, alright?"

millie looked at him, her eyes soft but filled with gratitude. "i know. i just... i wish things were easier."

"yeah," harry said, his voice full of understanding. "me too."

they sat there in silence for a moment, the weight of the conversation hanging in the air. but for the first time in a while, millie didn't feel so alone.

౨ৎ

as they made their way back to the living room, harry sat beside her, his hand gently resting on her back as she took a few deep breaths. he could feel the tension in her body slowly starting to ease, and he let out a quiet sigh of relief. "you're doing better, yeah? just keep breathing, mill."

she nodded, her eyes still downcast, but the worst of the panic seemed to have passed. harry's gaze softened as he watched her, the vulnerability in her eyes pulling at his heart. without thinking, he leaned in closer, his hand brushing against hers.

"hey, you know you don't have to go through this alone, right?" he murmured, his voice low. "i'm right here."

millie glanced up at him, meeting his gaze. she could feel the warmth of his presence, the comfort he was offering, and for a moment, everything felt like it could be okay.

harry's eyes flickered to her lips, and before he could stop himself, he leaned in, his intentions clear. but just as their faces drew closer, millie pulled back slightly, her expression almost apologetic.

"i wouldn't kiss me if i were you," she said with a small, embarrassed laugh, her voice a little shaky. "i was sick just before you turned up."

harry tilted his head, a small smirk playing on his lips as he looked at her. "i don't know, millie. i've kissed worse things."

her eyes widened, and she let out a weak laugh despite herself, swatting his arm. "you're disgusting."

"i'm just saying," he teased, leaning back against the bedframe. "you think i'm gonna let a little bit of sick stop me? please."

"you're relentless," she muttered, shaking her head, but the faintest hint of a smile was tugging at her lips.

he took the moment to grab the remote from the nightstand, flicking through channels aimlessly. "alright, since you're clearly not in the mood for me, how about we find something mind-numbing to watch? or do you wanna keep talking about how much you missed me?"

she rolled her eyes, pulling her knees up to her chest, allowing daisy to lay across her. "who said i missed you?"

"oh, come on," he said, feigning offense. "i leave you alone for one day, and you're already falling apart. coincidence? i think not."

"you're unbearable," she shot back, but there was warmth in her tone now, her breathing finally evening out.

he grinned, tossing a pillow at her. "and yet, here you are, stuck with me. tragic, really."

she caught the pillow and hugged it to her chest, letting out a small sigh. "thanks, though. for coming over."

his teasing expression softened, and he nodded. "anytime, mills. you know that."

they fell into a comfortable silence for a moment, the faint sound of the tv filling the room. then harry glanced over at her, a mischievous glint in his eye. "so, what's the deal with that tracksuit? you've been living in it for weeks now."

millie groaned, burying her face in the pillow. "don't start."

"i'm just saying," he continued, leaning closer. "at this point, it's got its own personality. i'm thinking of naming it."

"harry," she warned, but her voice was muffled by the pillow.

"how about john lennon?" he suggested, grinning when she finally looked up at him, her exasperation melting into reluctant amusement.

"you're impossible," she said, shaking her head, but the tension in her shoulders had eased, and her smile lingered.

"and yet, you keep letting me in," he quipped, leaning back with a satisfied smirk.

"don't remind me," she muttered, but her tone was light, and for the first time that day, she felt like she could breathe again.

harry leaned back against the sofa, arms crossed behind his head as he shot her a lazy grin. "so, john lennon's staying for the foreseeable future, yeah? not getting shot by his wife like the real one? should i get a matching one?"

millie giggled, tossing the pillow back at him. "you wouldn't survive a day in a tracksuit, harry. you're too busy pretending to be cool."

"excuse me," he said, feigning outrage as he caught the pillow. "i'm the definition of cool. in fact, i style a tracksuit better than you ever can."

"please," she said, rolling her eyes. "you'd look like a dad on a midlife crisis."

"and you look like you've been on a gap year for five years straight," he shot back, smirking.

"take that back!" she gasped.

"never," he said, grinning. "in fact, i might start telling people you're secretly a backpacker who lives out of hotels who has no clean underwear."

"you're a div," she muttered, though her lips twitched with amusement.

he shrugged. "ridiculous, but right."

she shook her head, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders. "honestly, you're lucky you're funny. otherwise, i'd have kicked you out ages ago."

"oh, so i'm funny now?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "you've been holding out on me, mills. didn't know you thought so highly of me."

"don't push it," she warned, but the smile on her face betrayed her.

harry chuckled, reaching for another snack from the bag on the nightstand. as he chewed, his expression softened slightly, and he glanced at her. "you feeling better now?"

her smile faltered for a moment, but she nodded. "yeah. thanks for being here."

"always," he said simply, his voice steady.

she looked down at her hands, fiddling with the edge of the weighted blanket. "it's just... sometimes it all hits me, you know? out of nowhere. like i'm fine one second, and then i'm not."

harry set the bag of snacks aside and shifted closer to her, his teasing demeanor replaced with quiet attentiveness. "yeah, i get that," he said softly. "but you don't have to go through it alone. you know that, right?"

she glanced up at him, her eyes glassy but steady. "i know. it's just hard to let people in sometimes."

"well, lucky for you, i'm annoyingly persistent," he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. "so you're kind of stuck with me."

she let out a soft laugh, wiping at her eyes. "you're the worst, you know that?"

"and yet, here we are," he said, his voice light but warm.

she nodded, a faint smile breaking through the heaviness in her chest. "yeah. here we are."

౨ৎ

harry sat on the sofa, his legs stretched out in front of him, looking slightly overwhelmed by the assortment of animals that had claimed him as their personal throne. ruby, the pug, was snoring softly against his chest, while charlie, the miniature schnauzer, perched on his lap, wagging his tail in contentment. bennie, the british shorthair cat, had taken up residence on harry's shoulder, her tail flicking lazily against his cheek.

"you've got a full-on zoo here, mills," harry said, carefully scratching ruby behind the ears.

"they're not a zoo," millie shot back, her voice muffled as she buried her face in daisy's fur. the dachshund was curled up in her lap, looking like she owned the place. "they're my babies."

"your babies are making me question my life choices," harry quipped, glancing over at the dining table where bjorn, the other cat, was sprawled out like a king. "bjorn looks like he's plotting my demise from over there."

millie smirked, leaning back against the cushions. "he probably is. he doesn't trust anyone."

"great," harry muttered, shifting slightly as charlie decided to reposition himself, his paws digging into harry's thigh. "so, i'm public enemy number one in this house?"

"nah," millie said, her tone softening. "they like you more than they like most people. bennie doesn't sit on just anyone's shoulder. bro fully tried to eat faith earlier this year."

"oh, i feel so special," harry deadpanned, though a small smile tugged at his lips.

millie glanced over at him, her expression softening as she watched him interact with the animals. "you're good with them," she said quietly.

harry looked up, meeting her gaze. "yeah, well, they're good company. even if bennie's claws are digging into my collarbone right now."

millie laughed, the sound light and genuine, and for a moment, the room felt a little brighter. "she's just showing you she likes you."

"remind me to never get on her bad side, then," harry replied, carefully adjusting bennie so she wasn't digging into him as much.

as the peaceful silence stretched on, harry's stomach broke it with a loud growl. millie looked up from stroking daisy, a small smirk playing on her lips.

"hungry, bog?"

harry rolled his eyes but grinned. "i could eat. question is, what about you?"

millie shook her head, her fingers still running over daisy's fur. "i'm good."

"you're good?" harry raised an eyebrow. "you haven't eaten in days, mills. come on, i'll order us something."

"i'm not hungry," she said, her tone light but firm.

"you're not hungry," harry repeated, leaning forward slightly, careful not to disturb the pile of animals on him. "you've said that every day the past three weeks."

"because it's true," millie said, avoiding his gaze.

"mills, you need to eat," harry said, his voice softening. "what do you want? pizza? chinese? i'll get whatever you fancy."

"harry, i said i'm not hungry," she said, her tone sharper now, though her eyes stayed fixed on daisy.

he sighed, running a hand through his hair, dislodging bennie, who leapt gracefully onto the armrest. "okay, fine. but i'm still ordering something. and if you change your mind, it'll be here."

"don't waste your money," millie muttered, but harry ignored her, already pulling out his phone.

"too late," he said, scrolling through a food delivery app. "you'll thank me later when you're stealing my chips."

"i won't," she insisted, but there was no heat behind her words.

"we'll see," harry said, shooting her a knowing look before placing the order.

as he set his phone down, ruby shifted in his lap, snorting softly in her sleep. harry glanced over at millie, who was now staring at daisy with a faraway look in her eyes.

"you okay?" he asked gently.

she nodded, but the slight tremble in her hands didn't go unnoticed. harry didn't push, though. instead, he leaned back, letting the comfortable silence settle over them again, hoping that the smell of food later might coax her into eating, even if just a little.

౨ৎ

later that night, the food arrived, and harry set it up on the coffee table. millie was still curled up on the sofa, daisy snoozing on her lap, but she had been eyeing the food every so often, even if she was pretending not to. harry didn't push too hard—he just opened the bag, took a chip, and ate it dramatically, making a show of how good it was.

"these chips are actually incredible," he said, holding one out toward her. "you're seriously missing out."

"i'm fine," she muttered, her voice soft.

but harry didn't give up. "come on, just one. it's not going to hurt, and i know you're hungry."

she hesitated, glancing at the chip in his hand, then sighed and took it from him. the tiniest smile played on her lips as she popped it into her mouth.

"that's my girl," harry said, grinning at her like she had just done something amazing.

millie rolled her eyes but didn't fight him when he passed her another chip. it was a small moment, but it felt like progress. she leaned back into the sofa, daisy shifting slightly in her lap, and harry watched her with a mix of relief and affection.

"see? wasn't so bad," he teased, his tone light.

"don't get used to it," she replied, but there was a hint of warmth in her voice now.

౨ৎ

harry kept picking at the food, savoring each bite while millie sat back on the sofa, her legs tucked under her, watching him. daisy was snoring softly now, her body rising and falling on millie's lap. bennie had abandoned harry's shoulder and disappeared upstairs, probably to nap on someone's bed.

"so, what's it like having cats that acts like he owns the place?" harry asked, popping another chip into his mouth.

millie shrugged, brushing a hand over daisy's fur. "bennie? he does own the place. he's basically the landlord. bjorn's the tenant who always pays late but somehow gets away with it."

harry laughed. "and what about these two?" he gestured at charlie and ruby, who were now sprawled across his lap, fast asleep.

"charlie's the nosy neighbor who watches everything through the window," millie said, her lips twitching into a small smile. "and ruby's the one who throws a party every weekend and leaves a mess behind."

"sounds about right," harry said, leaning back and carefully maneuvering the dogs so they didn't fall off his lap. "what about daisy?"

millie looked down at the dachshund curled up on her. "daisy's the sweet old lady who bakes cookies for everyone and tells you to wear a coat when it's cold."

"aww," harry said, grinning. "i can see that. she's definitely the mum of the group."

millie nodded, her fingers absentmindedly tracing patterns on daisy's fur. she was quiet for a moment, just watching harry eat, before she said, "do you ever wonder what kind of person you'd be if you were a pet?"

harry paused, a chip halfway to his mouth. "what, like if i were a dog or something?"

"yeah," millie said, tilting her head. "like, would you be a hyper golden retriever, or one of those grumpy old bulldogs that just wants to nap all day?"

harry pretended to think about it, his expression exaggeratedly serious. "i'd probably be one of those border collies that's always running around herding sheep. you know, bossy and a bit too energetic."

millie snorted. "you? energetic? please. you'd be a lazy labrador that only gets up for food."

"oi!" harry protested, though he couldn't help but laugh. "you're not wrong, but you didn't have to say it."

"just being honest," millie said, her smile lingering.

they fell into a comfortable silence after that, the only sounds coming from the occasional rustle of the food bag and the soft snores of the dogs. harry glanced at millie, her expression calmer now, and felt a flicker of relief. she wasn't back to her usual self, but she was here, and she was trying.

"you know," he said suddenly, breaking the quiet, "you're definitely a cat. all independent and mysterious, but secretly soft."

millie rolled her eyes. "great. i'm bennie."

"nah," harry said, smirking. "bennie's a menace. you're way better than him."

millie didn't reply, but the corners of her mouth lifted just slightly. harry took that as a win.

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