｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。oxytocin 　ﾟ･｡･

» [too much ain't enough by arthur hill]« 0:58 ─〇───── 3:32 ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

august 20th, 2022

MILLIE WAS LED ACROSS her bed, scrolling aimlessly on her phone, when her manager's name lit up the screen. she frowned, debating whether to answer—she wasn't in the mood for work talk. but something told her to pick up.

"hello?" her voice was filled with sleep, her words slow.

"millie!" her manager's voice was practically vibrating through the phone. "you're not going to believe this."

she sat up, the tone catching her attention. "what's up?"

"taylor swift's team just called. she wants you to open for her new tour."

millie froze, the words not fully registering at first. "wait—what?"

"you heard me. taylor swift. stadium tour. they want you to open. this is huge, millie. life-changing."

her heart started pounding, but not in the way she expected. it wasn't excitement—it was panic. her chest felt tight, her thoughts racing. this was everything she'd ever dreamed of. so why did it feel like the walls were closing in?

"millie?" her manager prompted when she didn't respond.

"uh—yeah. that's, wow. i mean, that's incredible." she forced the words out, her voice strained.

"i'll email you the details, but we need an answer soon. this kind of opportunity doesn't wait around."

"right. yeah. okay," she mumbled, barely hearing herself.

when the call ended, she stared blankly at the wall, the phone still in her hand. stadium tour. taylor swift. the kind of opportunity that would've had her screaming and crying a few years ago. but now? it felt like a weight pressing on her chest.

her head was spinning. was she ready for something like this?

millie dropped her phone on the bed and buried her face in her hands, trying to breathe.

it should've been the best news of her life. she should've been calling her friends, screaming into her pillow, jumping on her bed like a kid. instead, she sat frozen, staring at the floor as a heavy ache spread through her chest.

her mind drifted back to a version of herself from years ago, the one who stayed up all night writing songs, dreaming of moments like this. that millie would've taken this call with a grin so wide it hurt. she would've been unstoppable, fearless, sure of herself.

but that millie didn't exist anymore.

she thought of finn, of the nights he'd sit with her in the studio, encouraging her, teasing her about how she'd "make it big" one day. he would've lost his mind over this news, probably would've already started packing her bags for her.

but he wasn't here.

the thought hit her like a punch to the stomach, and before she could stop herself, tears were streaming down her face.

millie wrapped her arms around her knees, her chest heaving as the memories overwhelmed her. the sound of his laugh, the way he'd roll his eyes when she doubted herself, the way he believed in her when she couldn't.

she wiped at her face, but the tears kept coming.

this was everything she'd ever wanted. but how could she do it without him? without the person who'd been there for every step of the journey?

her phone buzzed on the bed beside her, but she ignored it. her breathing was uneven, her throat tight.

she didn't feel like a rising star. she felt like a fraud, like someone who'd been pretending to be okay for far too long.

harry!

Got the hotel room tonight You coming?

she stared at it for a moment, the words so casual, so harry, as if he had no idea how heavy her chest felt right now. maybe he didn't. she hadn't told him about the call—about taylor swift, the tour, and the door it had just swung open for her.

her hands trembled as she picked up the phone, rereading the message even though it wasn't exactly complicated. she could picture him perfectly: probably sprawled out somewhere, phone in hand, that easy grin on his face. he'd probably already packed his bag, expecting her to meet him there like she always did.

but she couldn't focus on him right now. her head was too full of everything else.

the call from taylor's team had been surreal—exciting, overwhelming, and utterly terrifying. it was the kind of opportunity she'd dreamed about for years, but hearing it spoken aloud had dragged her right back to a version of herself she wasn't sure existed anymore.

the ambitious millie. the millie who stayed up all night writing songs, chasing dreams without hesitation. the millie who hadn't yet lost finn, who hadn't yet felt like the ground had been ripped out from under her.

her chest tightened at the thought, her breathing shallow. she picked up her phone again, her thumb hovering over harry's text.

what could she even say? she knew if she went to the hotel, he'd be able to tell something was wrong. he always could. and the thought of opening up about everything, of saying the words out loud, made her stomach twist.

she locked the phone instead, tossing it onto the bed like it burned her.

daisy, her dachshund, nudged her arm with her nose, clearly sensing her unease. millie scratched behind the dog's ears absently, her gaze unfocused.

"what am i doing?" she muttered to herself, her voice shaky.

she wanted to be excited about the tour, about what it could mean for her career. but all she could think about was the weight of it—what it would demand of her, what it might take away. and then there was harry, with his stupid hotel text and his stupid grin and his stupid ability to make her feel like everything was okay, even when it wasn't.

but was it okay? could she really keep doing this—whatever this was—with him? or was she just clinging to the comfort he brought her because it was easier than facing everything else?

she buried her face in her hands, trying to steady her breathing.

her phone buzzed again, the sound sharp in the quiet room. she didn't need to look to know it was harry.

harry!

You coming?

shorter this time, like he was already growing impatient.

she sighed, leaning back against the headboard. maybe she'd go. maybe she wouldn't. right now, she couldn't even make that decision. all she could do was sit there, her thoughts spinning, and try to figure out who she even was anymore.

౨ৎ

harry leaned back against the headboard of the hotel bed, his phone balanced on his stomach as he stared at the screen. two texts sent. no reply.

he glanced at the clock on the bedside table. it wasn't late, not really, but millie was usually quicker to respond. especially about the hotel.

he tapped out another message.

millie!

Did you fall asleep or something Don't make me come get you

he sent it with a smile, imagining her rolling her eyes at the thought of him showing up unannounced. but when his phone stayed silent, the smile faded.

something felt off.

harry sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. the room was quiet, save for the faint hum of the air conditioning, and the stillness made his unease grow.

he'd noticed it earlier, too, when he'd texted her after his shoot. she'd replied, but the responses had been short, clipped. not like her.

he stood, pacing the length of the room, his hands on his hips. maybe she was just tired. or busy. or—he didn't know—doing something important. but even as he tried to convince himself, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was bothering her.

and if something was bothering her, she wasn't the type to just come out and say it.

he picked up his phone again, staring at their messages.

millie!

Seriously are you okay

he hesitated, then deleted it. she hated being asked that outright, especially when she wasn't ready to talk.

millie!

I've got the room all set up No food yet but I'll let you pick Please just get here

it was casual, lighthearted, the way she liked it. he hoped it would work.

harry tossed the phone onto the bed and sat down on the edge, running a hand through his hair. his mind wandered back to the last few weeks, the way she'd been... quieter. not all the time, but enough for him to notice.

she still laughed at his jokes, still teased him about his terrible taste in music, but there were moments—moments where she seemed far away, even when she was right next to him.

the phone buzzed, and he grabbed it immediately.

millie!

prolly not i cant be assed

Why not

just very tired

What's going on?

harry let out a slow breath, setting the phone down again. she was shutting him out. he didn't know why, but he knew better than to push too hard. not yet, anyway.

still, he couldn't just sit here and do nothing.

grabbing his hoodie from the chair, he pulled it on and slipped into his notoways. if she wasn't coming to the hotel, he'd go to her.

he wasn't great at talking about feelings or fixing things, but he'd be damned if he let her deal with whatever this was alone.

౨ৎ

harry let out a slow breath, setting the phone down again. she was shutting him out. he didn't know why, but he knew better than to push too hard. not yet, anyway.

still, he couldn't just sit here and do nothing.

grabbing his hoodie from the chair, he pulled it on and slipped into his trainers. if she wasn't coming to the hotel, he'd go to her.

he wasn't great at talking about feelings or fixing things, but he'd be damned if he let her deal with whatever this was alone.

the tube ride felt longer than usual, the clatter of the train and the muffled conversations of strangers making his thoughts feel louder. he kept checking his phone, half-hoping for a text, a sign that maybe she'd reached out. but nothing. just silence.

as the train pulled into the station, harry's mind raced. was she at home? had something happened? he didn't know, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

when he stepped off the train and made his way toward her apartment, the streets felt unusually quiet. his footsteps echoed in the empty space, and he couldn't help but feel like he was walking into something he wasn't prepared for.

he knocked on her door, waiting for the familiar sound of the lock turning, the rush of her greeting. but there was nothing.

he knocked again, this time a little harder, then waited. still, no answer. his chest tightened. where was she?

he tried the door handle, and to his surprise, it was unlocked. he pushed the door open cautiously, his heart pounding in his chest.

the apartment was eerily quiet. no dogs running to greet him, no sound of music playing in the background. it felt... empty.

he stepped inside, his eyes scanning the room. the place was mostly the same, but something felt off. the air was still, like everything had stopped.

he moved through the apartment, calling out her name softly, "millie?" but there was no response.

his gaze landed on the coffee table, where a notebook was lying open. he walked over to it, curious, and as he picked it up, he saw the lyrics written in her familiar handwriting.

the words hit him like a punch to the gut, but he couldn't quite place why. something about them felt too familiar, like they were speaking directly to him. but he couldn't think about that now.

the first set of lyrics read:

"hate to admit but it might be true hate to admit but i think you knew hate to be lame but i might love you"

and the second:

"there's a weight off my shoulders now that i don't chase you being myself, did that emasculate you? learning from you that i can walk away, too and you had me for a minute, too"

his fingers lingered on the paper for a moment longer before he set the notebook back down. he couldn't help but feel the weight of them, a stark reminder of everything that had happened between them. but what did it mean now?

his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the cats meowing in the other room. at least they were here. he didn't know why that small comfort made him feel a little better, but it did.

he walked over to the bedroom door and knocked lightly. no response. he pushed it open, half-expecting to find her there, curled up in bed, but the room was empty too.

where was she?

he ran a hand through his hair, frustration creeping in. he didn't know what to do next, but he couldn't just leave. not without knowing she was okay.

he stood there for a moment, trying to steady his breath, before he moved to the living room, sinking down onto the couch. his mind was racing, thoughts of millie, of what she might be going through, swirling around him.

he didn't have all the answers, but he knew one thing for sure: he wasn't giving up on her. not now. not when she needed him the most.

౨ৎ

millie walked slowly, charlie trotting beside her, his leash loosely held in her hand. the quiet hum of the city felt distant, muffled by the weight of her thoughts. she hadn't meant to end up here, but somehow her feet had carried her to the park, then further, until she found herself on the familiar path leading to the cemetery.

charlie's soft panting was the only sound that accompanied her, a small comfort in the silence that enveloped her. she hadn't been here in a while, not since they'd buried finn. she hadn't felt the need to, not really, but today—today, it felt like something she needed to do.

the cemetery was peaceful, the air still, the world outside it almost forgotten. she walked past rows of gravestones, the names and dates carved into stone, each one a reminder of lives lost, of time passing. and then, she found it—the spot. finn's resting place. the small plaque with his name etched into it, the dates marking the start and end of his life.

she crouched down, her fingers brushing against the cool stone, her breath shaky. she hadn't realized how much she missed him until this moment. how much she wished she could hear his voice again, feel his hand in hers.

"i'm sorry," she said, her voice cracking. "i'm so sorry."

charlie sat beside her, his head resting against her leg, as if he knew she needed the comfort. the tears came slowly at first, then all at once, flooding her chest, her throat, her heart. she hadn't let herself cry in a while—not properly. not since everything had started feeling like it was slipping through her fingers.

but here, with finn's memory surrounding her, it all came rushing back. the good times, the bad, the way she had felt so sure of everything once. now, everything felt uncertain, like she was standing on the edge of something she couldn't quite grasp.

she stayed there for a while, lost in the stillness of the cemetery, letting herself feel everything she hadn't allowed herself to in so long. the grief, the regret, the love. and the longing for a future that no longer felt certain.

millie sat on the cool grass, charlie curled up beside her, as the silence stretched around her. the cemetery felt like a world of its own, a place where time stood still. she closed her eyes for a moment, letting the weight of everything settle on her shoulders. then, as if she could almost hear finn's voice in the quiet, she spoke.

"i don't know what i'm doing anymore, finn," she whispered, her voice barely audible against the wind. "everythings so off. i thought i had it figured out. i thought i was strong enough to keep going, to move on, but i don't feel strong. i feel lost."

she paused, looking down at charlie, who nuzzled his head into her lap. the comfort of his presence was the only thing that kept her grounded in that moment.

"i don't know if i can keep doing this. not without you," she continued, her voice trembling. "it's like, i'm stuck in this place where everything reminds me of you, and it hurts too much to let go, but it also hurts too much to keep holding on."

she let out a shaky breath, wiping at her eyes. "i've been pushing people away, finn. people who care about me. people who want to help. but i don't know how to let them in. i don't know how to let anyone in again. because you were supposed to fucking be here. you were supposed to be the one i could rely on. and now you're gone, and i'm just trying to figure it out. but i don't know how."

she sniffed, trying to steady herself, but the tears kept coming. "i miss you so much. i don't know how to live without you. i don't know how to move forward. everything feels like it's slipping through my fingers, and i can't catch it. i can't make it stop."

there was a long pause, and for a moment, she almost thought she heard a voice. a whisper in the wind, a flicker of something that made her heart skip. but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"i need to know that i'm not just drifting," she said, her voice breaking. "i need to know that i'm not just running away from everything that matters. i need to know that i'm not losing myself in all of this. because i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know what i'm supposed to be."

millie sat there for a while, her heart heavy, her mind tangled in a mess of emotions. she didn't expect an answer. she didn't expect finn to speak to her from beyond the grave. but somehow, in the quiet of the cemetery, she felt a little less alone.

and that was enough. for now.

AUTHOR NOTES !! before arthurs ep today i didnt think anything could beat lily but i fear too much aint enough may just do so eventually 🙏

me n lily still going strong tho!