This part of the episode contains drug use and some minor sexual references. Possible triggers for anyone who has had someone who's a bit too clingy.



Vampires are territorial. The definition of territory can be quite vague depending on who you ask. Some claim the whole planet is theirs, but those who do are locked up in a padded cell somewhere. Most clans claim territory spanning two or three countries on a continent. This becomes a problem if those countries are at perpetual war with each other or deal with an unrecognized nationality. In James' case with his ex Li Meng, his penis was basically her territory and only she was allowed on or near it.

"So this happened a few years back when my cousin was visiting." He took a puff of his blunt then continued, "I treated her for lunch and somehow Li Meng found us. The bitch transformed into controlling insecure girlfriend and scared my cousin. I mean she, my cousin, was thirteen at the time but she's emotionally sensitive."

"And she preferred that any time you spent with any girl, no matter what the age, it should be time spent with her?" I took the blunt, puffed it, and passed it on to Carmen.

"It wasn't just girls or other women. Men too. My business soured a bit because, as ye said, any time I spent with other people should be with her. I swear she was preparing me to be her sex slave or something."

Carmen tapped off some ashes from the blunt. "You've been into the kink stuff since high school. I'd thought you'd appreciate something like that."

"Hey, I get enough flack from witch culture just for my sex. Sure I was taught to respect all genders and sexes, heavily focused on the woman, but I have my kinks. Femdom isn't one of them."

"And then there are your legs," I brought up.

"I get enough with my legs too. I can still connect with the Earth and cast spells — tracking, luck boosting, protection, even curse someone." He turned to Carmen and said, "See, it's not just drugs I sell."

"So, was it cancer? Land mine?" Eaten by a shark? How else could someone lose both legs?

"How I lost my legs? Car accident. I should be confined to a wheelchair. Even if my coven hates me, I still have a family who cares."

I didn't know someone could lose their legs in a car accident. Paralysis was one but losing both legs below the knee completely may have been something else. Damage beyond repair maybe, but any more speculation and I'll go off track. "I see. I thought you'd lost them and had been branded as a da—"

"So, Carmen, this friend of yers," he interrupted, changing the subject, "shouldn't he be here soon?"

Carmen fished for her phone and checked to see if Max called. "He hasn't sent any texts or left any messages. He should be fine. It's a good thing you don't have neighbours on your floor, considering what we've been talking about."

"No worries. Charms on the walls." He started to roll another blunt and about halfway though he asked, "So, can ye ask this friend of yers to bring some pizza? Other than seeing my wallpaper dance I have this craving for an extra large veggie deluxe."

Both Carmen and I stared at him the moment he mentioned Max and pizza in the same sentence.

"Is there something I'm missing out on?"

Carmen and I exchanged glances briefly. She gestured to me as if she wanted me to explain. At the same time I gestured to her to explain what happened. In the end we both spoke two different things simultaneously.

"He ruined good pizza," I explained.

"He's too broke to get us pizza," Carmen said over my explanation.

"You know what, I'm too mellowed out to stay angry at Max," I said as I took the last bit of the joint.

"Same here," Carmen agreed. "But I'm not making him get pizza."

So we sat in the living room, taking in whatever images appeared from the herbs we smoked. A painting of van Gogh's "Starry Night" hung on the wall above where James lay. I swear the shapes jumped out like a popup book and the waves were moving. Somehow the moon turned into a Pikachu but it was part of the painting anyways. At least I thought it was. But someone wouldn't let us mellow out.

"Jimi, I found you!" a sweet yet annoying singsong voice came from the balcony. It also happened to belong to someone female.

"Fucking shite!" James dropped his half-rolled joint the moment he heard the voice.

"That's not who I think it is, is it?" Carmen turned in her seat to see who called.

James stood up. "It is exactly who ye think it is." He calmly walked to the balcony door and opened the blinds. A pale-looking woman wearing a long, embroidered dress stood on the opposite side. If I said she looked a bit like Carmen, I'd get an earful. "Jesus fucking Christ Li Meng! How many times must I tell ye we're through?!"

"But you're mine, Jimi. I own you," Li Meng responded in a sweet toned voice that was almost child-like.

"Ye fucking mental? We had sex once. Once! That doesn't count as ye owning me!"

"Jimi, you know I don't like sharing with others."

Carmen groaned. "This bitch is definitely delusional. I'm almost high as a kite yet I can still keep my head straight."

Suddenly Li Meng looked in her direction. And I made things worse by popping my head over the couch. "You've been cheating on me all this time?"

"It's nae cheating if we're no longer together, Li Meng."

"Oh come on, Jimi man!" Carmen worked her way off the couch and stood next to it. "There must be a loophole in the law allowing you to get rid of zombies."

Li Meng said some words to Carmen in Chinese, most likely nasty ones. She returned her attention to James and continued speaking in Chinese.

Then the conversation took a turn as James also spoke Chinese. Carmen took her phone and quickly searched for something. Once she found what she was looking for, she asked James, "Do you have a spellbook I can use?" Long story short, she got into the weird magic shit in her teen years and learned that you didn't have to be a witch to cast a spell.

"I appreciate your help Carmen, but none of my books contain spells for inexperienced humans to use." He turned his attention back to Li Meng and continued his argument in Chinese. He summoned a broomstick from the bathroom, said a few words in a different language, and he flew. Not on the broomstick but whatever spell he casted backfired and sent him into the couches. Because of that, I flew too but into the couch opposite him.

I got myself to my feet and went over to check on James. So did Carmen. Witnessing James repelled by the barrier got me an idea. Li Meng hasn't made the move to enter because of it. He would have to invite her in to pass through freely. Also, I'm over a thousand words narrating and need to get to the point.

"Fucking bitch almost hypnotized me into letting her in," he said with the help of Carmen standing him up. "It's why she's broken through my barriers before."

I was right. I walked into the dining area and stood face to face with Li Meng, baring fang and all. "That's totally not cool. When someone says no, they mean no. This isn't one of those situations with a safeword."

And once she realized that another vampire was with her, erm, property, she too bared fang and all. "You want to take away my Jimi!"

"If it's to save him from you, fuck yeah I'll take him! I'll claim him too!"

There it was. That hopping step. Sure she hopped in her spot but she was definitely enraged and ready to fight.

"He's mine! I own him!" Li Meng screeched.

"Then come in here and take him! Or are you afraid to fight me you ugly, lifeless whore?!"

I hit the sweet spot. If there was anything a vampire hated being called, it was ugly. I'm not sure how to explain it, but we're quite vain and hold onto that vanity until we start looking like Count Orlok. She hopped her way to the screen door and the moment she crashed into it there was this zapping noise. Like a bug zapper or electrical transformer going out. At the same time her body turned to ash, and the ashes landed on the doormat inside.

"I was going to do that." I looked to my left and James stood behind me.

Carmen grabbed the broom from him and whacked his head. "Right after you let her hypnotize you into letting her into the flat and rape you."

"Well, she's out of my life now. Thank ye, Lena."

She shoved the broom back into his hands. "You can thank her by cleaning up your own mess. I'll see what's left in the fridge."

James had this look of bewilderment on his face and ruffled his hair. Carmen couldn't have reacted better. Hell, I would've done the same thing. On my way to the kitchen I slapped his arm. "Molya."

Just as I was about to join Carmen in the kitchen, you know who finally showed up. "Smokin'" he quipped.

-------------------------------------------------------

While the problem with James' ex was solved, they're still trapped in the apartment. "Smokin'" is a catchphrase used by what green-faced character? (Yes, that's your interactive question for the chapter).

Molya (моля) in Lena's case when she says it means "you're welcome" or "don't mention it" (in case it's not that obvious)

One more part left in this episode. You know the drill.

Song featured: "Bushido" by Faith and the Muse

Edited: 15/01/2018