The Nature Channel. While my cable shows are limited to the news and primetime comedies and dramas, I love nature documentaries. Tonight's showing, however, isn't about the animal kingdom, but whether humans can solely live on a vegan diet. I have something to say about vegans — they're delicious.

If there is anyone I like to credit with the movement to abstain from blood, it's creators behind fantasy fiction and Hollywood films. While individuals can make the choice to give up blood just to be with that human partner, it's the media that delivers it to the masses. The documentaries put out by these "vampires for humanity" groups make us question drinking blood. Do we really need it to continue living as vampires?

Take the mosquito for example. This annoying bugger primarily feeds on proteins found in blood. While it's one way to get protein into our diets, we can still eat solid foods and pass as human. The problem is if you don't drink your fill, it ain't going to digest well. Then you got the little, ugly critter called the leech. They too acquire protein from blood. Hell, even humans consume blood. Black pudding — a wonderful food invention that lets you fly under the radar even though you're a vampire.

I've given little thought to why vampires drink blood other than it keeps us alive. Human or animal, the source is irrelevant. Blood is blood, yet these new generations of vampires, including my own, and maybe a couple centuries older, have become picky eaters. The reason? Ethics. Especially among the human-turned vampire population.

Any human we drink from has to die. There's no way of telling which humans have the gene allowing them to turn into vampires. If a newbie hasn't received blood from their "vampire parent", they essentially turn into a mindless zombie. That's how legends of us are formed and how we were portrayed in fiction. Anyway, these newbie vampires, most of them I should say, still retain their human ways of thinking. They flat out refuse to kill another human, so they feed from their neighbour's dog who takes a shit on their front lawn.

But things get even crazier! You turn a vegetarian, vegan, or some flower child, and they won't even eat a fly, let alone drink rat blood. Seriously, those fuckers breed like crazy more than humans. Hey, you signed up to be a vampire. You adapt to our ways of living or die.

There is one thing vampires can somewhat survive on if the blood source is contaminated. The Eastern Clans it call chi. This energy is something any vampire can drain while drinking blood, but draining chi alone is an art. Unfortunately, the only thing it provides is energy. It's good if you want to ride that cowboy all night when you're not ready to bite, but it doesn't meet the nutritional requirement.

So, the overall reason we drink blood is —

"Lena!" Carmen bursts into the living room. "Pizza's here and the delivery man's being stingy with the bill."

"What do you mean stingy?"

"He's making us pay the delivery fee." She folds her arms and leans on the couch. "I have a gut feeling he took the long route and lied to charge us extra. He's late by 20 minutes."

"Jeez, if the pizza place says '30 minutes or free' you'd think they'd get it here faster."

"Can you do something?"

Lifting my head, I spot an overweight, middle-aged man standing in the doorway. I slide off the couch and walk over to him. As I stare deeply into his green eyes I say, "You're late. We don't have to pay for the pizza."

Entranced, the delivery man says in a monotone, "Here is your pizza. We deliver in 30 minutes or it's free."

I grab the boxes from the delivery man. Before I send him off I add, "Now go back to your job as a body sushi model."

Just as he turns around and leaves, he utters, "I'll go back to my job as a body sushi model."

I close the door and Carmen has that awestruck expression after I mindfuck someone. "I still wonder how the fuck you do the voice."

"My voice doesn't change. How are you hearing these things?"

"If I hear it, how come I'm not affected?"

"AllI do is stare into their eyes and they obey me. Come on! Let's go for a sliceand a pint!" I walk into the kitchen and place the pizza on the counter. Iopen the fridge and pull out a bottle of Blood Lite. The stuff expired over amonth ago, but I remember when they were all the rage.

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And the real story starts in the next part of the episode. For the interactive question, what's your definition of a vegetarian vampire? Do they only drink blood from animals? Maybe they feed off of something else? Or are you in line with the title of this episode and believe there can't be a vampire equivalent to vegetarians?

This episode is dedicated to KaranSeraph who not only has works on this site but is active in the forums/clubs (usually has awesome things to say) and my fellow admins of the #vampireswithbite movement (though it isn't active) YolieB and shiverfeather.

So you know the drill. Like something? show your appreciation! Dislike something? Tell me how I can improve!

edited: 09/09/2019