Trapped

Like an angel you saved me

Like the devil you imprisoned me

The need in me calls out to you

Won't you please answer me?

Now I can't seem to leave you

Without leaving a part of my soul behind.

Whether I cry out for you or not

Now you're always there waiting for me

Even if it's just a memory. -Excerpt from JongHyun's lyric notebook

The time that had passed since I'd last seen the woman sitting next to me had been like sleeping with a permanently broken heart; I had ached for her as if I'd never see her again. And I couldn't help but acknowledge that there was a possibility that I would have to live without Noelle. Her heart was fragile but she had never been weak.

If anything she would've been able to make it without me. With her beauty and passion, she would naturally pull people towards her, make those around her fall deeply in love. But for me she was the only one I wanted close; for years girls all over the world had thrown themselves at me, but she was the only one I knew could make me happy.

Noelle's fingers rested lightly on the ivory keys and my own hands covered hers gently, making sure not to add too much pressure so that the piano wouldn't sound. I tried not to shake because of my anxiety, but inside my heartbeat raced at her words and I felt panic rise up from my chest, the tightness making it hard for me to take a good breath. I was so feeble around her, so vulnerable that I could barely recognize myself. I had been alone all my life and at some points had even relished my solitude. But here I was too needy for her; forever wanting her touch, her smiles, her everything.

"I need you to tell me all of it Jonghyun and this time, please don't leave anything out."

Her tone was slightly higher than normal as something like a small laugh coming from her throat as she spoke. But when I looked into her eyes they were wet with unshed tears and uncertainty, the confusion barely shielded. I knew that I had put that look there, knew I was always the one hurting her and once again she was giving me a chance to redeem myself. I so wanted this chance but I knew excuses wouldn't fix what I had broken between us. The only thing left to give was the unblemished truth.

"I never wanted to be an artist; did I ever tell you that?" I asked her, not looking her in the eyes but directing my attention to our clasped hands. At Noelle's head shake in the negative I smiled.

"I guess I rarely told anyone but that's the reality of it. Before I pursued music I wanted to be a poet. Since I was small I'd always had the compulsion to write out my feelings and writing music only increased it into a passion; when I found out that my singing abilities were greater than I'd assumed, that's when I put my all into becoming an idol." I gave a stilted chuckle of my own and finally looked up into the large brown eyes of the girl I loved. "It was the biggest and most beautiful mistake of my life."

I turned away from my piano and stood up from the seat, taking Noelle with me as I moved to the loveseat that was positioned in the corner of the room. Sitting down close together, our palms were still intertwined on one side while my other hand played with her fingers, fascinated by each slender digit that ended in perfectly rounded nails. It took a moment but I calmed myself, ordered my thoughts so that I could help her understand. It was possible my betrayal was deeper than she had imagined.

"I was always sensitive, I admit that. It was hard for me to be in the spotlight, hard for me to handle the world's cruelty that was spewed out in abundance in the entertainment industry. I found that it was easier to push the feelings deep inside than to deal with them, easier to laugh than to cry out. I told myself that I was ok when I wasn't, but even I didn't know just how bad it had gotten.

"When I went to the military without my family, without the members, it was like there was a sickness eating away at me day by day. I thought of little else but my time spent as an artist, performing for fans and the person that I presented myself as. I was living a lie and I realized that it had been years since I'd been truly honest with my family, my friends and especially myself. The truth was that I was crashing fast and I was seconds away from burning up in the aftermath of the collision."

I managed a small smile when I saw Noelle's worried expression and as I pressed my hand into hers, she squeezed it firmly, not saying anything. But when I could handle looking at her again, her face showed only sadness and pity. I didn't want to see it, couldn't bear for her to see this side of me, but that had been the root of my problems all along. I was afraid of censure, afraid she wouldn't love me if she knew who I really was. But now I could finally say what I had been thinking since the moment she walked away from me.

Seeing that back view of her at the airport as she left me standing there and knowing that she may never come back had hurt too deeply, had made me feel like losing it in front of all those people. I didn't know how I'd held it in, but now those tears came flooding out from my eyes and I brushed them away with hurried swipes, not wanting to stop because what I had to say next needed to be spoken.

"I was drowning Noelle and I was going under so fast that I didn't even realize how far out I was; I couldn't imagine reaching land anymore. Life for me was all so empty no matter how much I tried."

"But you saved me that night and it may have been wrong but I knew right then that I needed to have you. What I did was selfish but I can't lie and say that I wouldn't do it again. You gave me my music again, you gave me happiness and tenderness and so much passion until I couldn't breathe without wanting you."

"Your love for me was always so pure that it healed me and I was afraid that without it I would lose myself. And so I lied and tried to keep such a big part of me away from you, trying my best not to damage you like I was damaged. But now I want to give you everything, tell you all that I am and all that I've been afraid to be. It doesn't matter who I am to the rest of the world and it doesn't matter what they want to call me; the only thing that matters to me now is that you call me yours. So if you can still love me, if you can look past everything that I did and love Kim JongHyun of Shinee, then please don't leave me."

A/N: Part 2 coming up!