° it's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. °

Chapter One

I believed in love at first sight, I mean how could I not, I was six years old. I watched movies with my elder sister, romantic comedies and chick flicks and I see her swoon and drool and talk about love with her friends— yeah, they almost never chase me out and I was the kind of sticky sibling that if I was chased, I'd go tell my mum and my sister and her friends would probably get in trouble.

Anyway, I loved hearing about love, reading about love and believing in love. Then I was certain that one day, when I'm old enough I'd meet the perfect girl one day, maybe save her or she'll save me from a zombie apocalypse and we'd love at each other and we would have fallen in love.

Reading books helped fuel this believe too and it went on like that for a while until at some point I didn't believe in it anymore. I still believed in love but I didn't believe in it happening at first sight. I don't know when the transition happened but it did.

Maybe it's because I always looked at girls and I never felt anything, nothing at all. I had a church friend, Darcy Pickett and we look at each other a lot, wave, read the Bible and stuff and still nothing. I even saved a nameless girl one time on her bicycle but still there was no love at first sight. I didn't think I could experience that not with girls though but I didn't know that until Year 3 (Grade 2).

"Ugh," I groaned, as someone bumped into me, shoving me to the ground. I was already having a long day for crying out loud. With a frown I look up at the walking disaster that pushed me down and when my eyes met the big ones blinking back at me, I froze.

"Oh," the kid said blinking back into reality... I guessed, as he pushed the big round glasses on his face back up— they went askew with the bump— and lowered the giant headphones on his head down to his neck. "Sorry," he extended a hand to me. "I didn't hear you."

He had an accent, I noticed before taking his hand, a different one than the rest of us. "Um-"

"Really Sorry, I." He said and I screwed up my lips at the way he said it. But I couldn't careless about his English, his eyes. His big blue eyes were magnified through the round glasses he had covering half his face, he was so good looking for a seven or eight year old. It was like time slowed as I looked at him, like I couldn't look at him fast enough. He had short hair, the shortest hair I've seen on any boy here and he looked foreign. When his eyes blinked at me, I felt my face go hot.

Looking down at my hands, I slapped my palms together. "Uh- it's okay. I am really sorry too."

His eyes widened and mine did too in confusion until I realized that he probably just learn that the way he said it before was wrong and I blushed, hoping he didn't think I was rudely and indirectly trying to correct. Then he smiled, a smiled that made me want to take a picture of it. "Sorry, my English's not strong."

I smiled too, "yeah, it's fine."

"Je m'appelle Louie St Martin," he said fast and fluent. More easily than when he was speaking English.

"Huh?" I moved closer, "I don't understand."

He pointed at himself, "I am Lou."

"Oh," I ran my hand over my face, it's like I was about to have fever. "I am Israel."

"Nice, Israel," he smiled and I wrung my fingers together, taking a subtle step back.

None of us moved or said anything else and I just tried to look at him as much as I could without it being weird as everything I have learnt about love came back to me. Maybe love at first sight wasn't so real but what had to be real was looking at someone, seeing them for the very first time and knowing that they were going to matter somehow. Knowing you were going to surely see them again, think about them and probably fall in love with them. That has to be real.

"Louie!" Some woman called from down the corridor and he looked past me to see her.

Then he groaned, muttered some words in French that were surely angry words and that I knew nothing about. When he looked back at me and saw my raised brows, he chuckled, pulling back his head phones up. "Bye bye, Isreal."

I looked after him as he bounced off. "Bye bye, Lou."

And that was it. That was when I felt love the realest or in this case attraction or a heart to heart pull, soul pull... whatever a seven year old can feel in that aspect for an eight year old.

But it wasn't right, it was towards towards a boy so it couldn't be what I thought or felt it was. I just liked Lou in a normal way, I guess. In an admirable, I just met a foreigner way. Or just because he was different.

As the years went by my admiration for Lou remained. Granted we never really talked after that day. He was in school with me but he was in a different class and we never had anything in common together. For the first week, we waved at each other. Then the next we nodded at each other and then the next, we just walked by each other. Lou made new friends, a lot of friends it was like he was a friendship magnet. Nobody cared about the way he spoke English or his big glasses or his short hair. He was likable like that.

I wouldn't say he forgot about me or anything, we weren't friends and it just happened but I didn't forget him. My eyes followed him around everywhere and every time they caught him. It went on to be my biggest crush ever and I didn't even know it. I thought he was pretty, really pretty. More pretty than all the girls in town combined. I respected him for his swag, amongest all the boys he dressed the most coolest and fanciest. I also adored his accent; when he spoke in assembly one time, I swear, I drooled.

Year 7 (Grade 6), I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I had just clocked eleven and I wanted him to know how I thought of him. Maybe if I told him, we'd be friends. Maybe his friends have told him before and that's why they were friends, regardless of being in the same class.

On club day, after school was dismissed and I was grabbing my stuff from my locker, I saw Lou and his fellow swimmers and friends walk into the hallway, talking about something. His skin glistened and his hair was damp with a white towel around his neck. He looked so breathtakingly good, I just had to tell him. With my feet bouncing with nerves, I walked up to them.

"Uh- hey Lou," I called, my voice sounding smaller than usual. I was incredibly shy and I couldn't believe I was actually doing it.

Lou looked away from his friend and over to me. He wasn't wearing his glasses, he barely wore them anymore and I struggled to understand why. They looked really good on him. Lou squinted his eyes at me, probably wondering what I was doing talking to him out of nowhere. His lips quirked a bit to the side before he said something, "Hey Israel, What's up?"

His English had gotten way better over the years but the accent was still there, loud and proud. I swallowed, shifting on my feet. "C-can I talk to you?"

He clearly wasn't expecting that and he looked at his friend. Someone chuckled, slapping me on the shoulder and almost making me jump. "Come on Taylor, you can whatever to us all."

"Mind your business, Ric," Lou said, chuckling as he nods at me. "Sure Israel."

I nodded, quickly looked at his friends before walking away to some locker the other opposite side. Lou followed me, standing beside me. He was about an inch taller than me. I looked at him just at the same time he licked his lips. "What's up?"

"No-nothing really," I said, wringing my fingers together, "I just wanted to let you know that I think-" I swallowed, was I really going to do this? No, run. Yes, I have come this far, what's the worst that can happen. It's normal.

Feeling his cold fingers on mine startled me and I gasped, retreating my fingers. "Hey-" Lou chuckled, reaching for my fingers again. "Sorry, mine is cold because of the water."

"Oh," I let him hold me. His fingers were cold but it wasn't a bad feeling. "It's okay."

Lou's eyes were on my fingers as he untwisted my fingers, "you think what?"

"I-" I watched his fingers on mine, the different skin colours seemingly matching. "I think you're really pretty."

He stopped, although he was done. I felt his eyes on me but I didn't look away from my fingers. "Pretty?"

I slowly nodded. Now would be a good time to run, Issy.

When I look up at him, his face was scrunched up like he didn't understand English anymore. "Uh, thanks."

I nodded, feeling accomplished. I did it. I told him and the Earth was still in place.

The sound of his small laugh kinda surprises me. It's more like a smile with sound, it looked good on him. He ran his hand over his short hair. "I think you're pretty too Taylor," his voice was smaller and his eyes were on me. A cold finger touched my cheek, "and cute."

After that we go back our separate ways but then I hear Lou laughing with his friends and all kinds of thought attacked my mind. Did he tell them? Were they laughing at me? Did I do anything wrong? I couldn't look at them and I basically ran out of the school.

The next couple of days were weird and I couldn't understand it. It's like Lou and his friends were always looking at me and laughing too. It might all be in my head but I didn't get it. What was all the fuss about? I just told him what I thought. They told girls that all the time and girls told them that too. Well, as the week ran by I figured, it was okay to say that but not if its from a boy to a boy.

I didn't understand and I was angry but I approached Lou and his friends anyway.

"I'm sorry," I just said in lieu of a hello and without preambles.

"What?" Lou moved himself off the locker he was relaxing on, uncrossing his hands and raising his brows at me.

I didn't care that his friends were present, I didn't care about it all. "I said I'm sorry, about what I said the other time. I wouldn't say it again," I looked up meeting his blue eyes, then I moved to his friends. "So you guys can stop looking at me now."

"Taylor-"

"It's fine," I cut him off, then looked at him once more. "Bye."

I walked away but I could feel his eyes on me all the way. At least after that I stopped feeling weird and the looks stopped.

When I later found out about Gay, I couldn't believe or accept it. My life went through a rollercoaster of emotions but alas I did.

I got to understand myself and everything, I accepted it all at Year 12 (Grade 11) with the help of a guy named Sky. With eyes just as entrapping and soul as beautiful. Sky helped me feel and Sky helped me live. But Sky left before I could figure out if it was ever true love. And maybe he's coming back, or maybe he's not but either way...

I find myself back at the very beginning, bumping into and getting to know Louie St Martin, just this time, a different Israel Taylor but still a version that didn't completely believe in love at first sight.

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Ahhhhhhhhhh! I'm so excited to bring this book to you guys.

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