"I'm too busy to sleep but I always find time to dream."

Chapter 4

"During the break, I didn't tell you but my dad sent over disownment papers," he looks up at me and back at the remote control in his hands. "Yeah, I didn't even know things like that exist until I saw one in the mail."

I look down at him from where he is sitting cross-legged on the floor, back relaxing on the couch I'm sitting on. Somehow he found the ground more comfortable now. I don't say anything and he continues.

"Like I know we've been severed but I didn't think he'd take it that far, you know." He moves his hands like he doesn't know what to do with them, but then they return to his legs. "Anyway my mum reminded me of it this morning, saying stuff about how St Martin wasn't my name anymore and I should be thinking of a surname change."

Oh.

"What would you change it too?" I ask, trying to picture his name with another surname. I've been so used to St Martin, I don't think another would fit.

"Her family name; Chen."

Louie Chen.

"You don't look Asian," I say instead and clamp my hand over my mouth the next second.

"Ouch Taylor," he looks up at me but he has a small smile. "Do not be scared to finish me off and give the spoils to the birds."

"Sorry," I squeak out, "I didn't really mean that."

"You did and that kind of breaks my heart." He turns so he's facing me a bit. "St Martin isn't my name anymore and I don't look Asian for Chen. Where then do I stand?"

"Don't mind me," I act without thinking, my hand moving to touch his hair. "You're perfectly okay for Chen. Louie Chen, Lou Chen... Has a nice ring to it."

"Argh," he drops his head on my knee. "I actually have two names."

"What and what?"

"My parents couldn't ever agree on something including names so I have two names; Louie St Martin and William Chen."

"William Chen?" I ask, completely surprised.

"Yup, just Liam Chen though," he raises his head just to smirk at me. "Sexy right?"

I pretend to think about it but then I just nod and Lou smiles. His smile is so wide, the edges of his eyes wrinkle up a bit and his cheek bones become so pronounce. He has a rippling infectious smile and I don't think it can ever be faked. Unlike Sky, Lou cannot hide his feelings behind a mask, he wears it clear on his face— good or bad, bold and clear. I'm yet to figure out if that's a good or bad thing.

"No one except my mum and dad and twin know about that, and now you." He pokes my thigh. "It's a secret."

I slap my chest, feigning a super serious soldier face. "And I'd take it with me to my grave."

He laughs and I do too.

"Now you see why I got carried away and got so high." His head returns to my knee.

"Yeah, smoking is still bad though." I chip in, picking on his poking hair.

"Ask God to forgive me then."

"So what now would you do?" I brush past the topic of morals and God.

"I don't know, I grew up knowing 'Louie St Martin' as my identity. I've never felt so lost, what happens now? Do I leave it all behind and become a Liam Chen? Or do I just change the surname? Who the fuck is Louie or Liam Chen anyway, not me that's for sure."

"Do you have to do it?" I ask, feeling bad for him. I can't imagine not being Israel Taylor anymore.

"My dad has disowned me and I don't think my mum would let me rest until I've changed my name. She hates my Dad and is happy about. I'd finally be all hers."

"You're yourself, no one else's."

He looks up at me. "So Louie Louie?"

"Louie Louie," I repeat, then laugh. "Sounds like something I'd call a cat or pet fish. Louie Louie."

Lou takes himself off me completely, "first of all, Cat or fish? Really, couldn't you think of any other two animals and Secondly, ouch! Fuck you Taylor."

I can't control my laughter now, doubling over and almost falling out the chair.

"Here I am trying to choose an identity and you're there testing Cats and fishes names!"

"I- I wasn't- I did-" I can't even get a word out with all my laughing.

"Go, off with you now. You've broken my heart." He says off the ground now and jokingly trying to get me off the chair.

Somehow his touch is tickling me and I am already literally tearing up with laughter. "I'm sorry!" I choke out and it's then I see us both laughing.

"You're what Taylor? Can't hear you with all your laughing and my broken heart!"

"Sorry," I tried again, swallowing and forcing myself to calm down. "I didn't mean it like that. It sounds good."

He eyes me, then bites his lips and drags me up in one pull, making me fall into his arms. "You sound like you're lying so you're still going home."

"Oh come on!" I refuse and start trying to wiggle out of his hands which is near impossible because Lou is bigger and taller than me. He has swimming muscles and a running legs.

It's in this wiggling holding position that his family catches us in as the door opens up to reveal Charlie and his other six siblings. They all stop to blink their small eyes at us, making Lou and I freeze too. It's Charlie Chen that speaks first.

"Oh no, not in the parlor!"

Lou and I look at each other and he slowly legs go of me while I try to smoothen out the creases on my shirt. "What's not in the parlor?"

Charlie points at us both. "Whatever you guys are doing. Go somewhere else."

"Shut up arse," Lou says just as I say, "Shut up Charlie."

Charlie rolls his eyes and it's then the rest of the siblings unfreeze and go screaming, "Lou! Issy!" At the top of their voices and attacking us with welcome hugs. There are four girls and two boys all around the ages of 12 and 6. I glance at Lou as he squats to their height, ruffling their dark hair and smiling brightly at them. How does one get seven step siblings and not get overwhelmed?

"Hey Israel?" Charlie asks walking back out the kitchen. "Aren't you a bit late for home?"

"What's the time?" I ask, trying to find where I kept my school bag.

"It's almost 8 pm."

What?

"Oh my God!" I find my bag on the arm chair, grabbed it and head for the door. "I'm late, my mum is going to kill me."

"I could come with you." Lou says coming behind me and helping me put my coat back on.

"Would not help at all," I run out and he follows. The sun is long gone now and I slap myself wondering how I got so lost in conversation with Lou and it got so dark. I blame it on the closed curtains inside the house and bright. "I should have gone when you said to."

"You know I didn't mean you actually going, I was just teasing."

I stop by my car, looking up at him. "You were?"

His face twists but even that couldn't hide the little tint of pink starting to show as he nods.

I smack him, "well you should have teased me sooner, I might come to school tomorrow without a head."

"Tsk, exaggeration." He shakes his head at and joins me to shut the door after I go in.

I smile, "aren't you a fan of it?"

"Darn it, I am."

Lou watches me do a roundabout the opposite direction I came but this time the gate is closed and I watch him run over to open it for me. After I drive out, he waves and I do too but I don't think he sees mine.

Reaching home is another drama entirely, the usual drama that further tells me that I'd never be free leaving under this roof. Mum screams at me and it's only Dad that's there to help, I miss Nessa. She doesn't slap me or beat me up and I don't cry this time while trying to explain myself. At the end of it all, I think Ma is more frustrated at herself than me because it's not a big enough issue to have me grounded or have my phone or car taken away. I'm let off with a warning and no dinner.

I don't mind the absence of dinner, I already ate at Lou's.

Just as I am taking my clothes off, my phone vibrates and I pick it up to see that I have two text. One from Jamal hours ago and one from Lou now.

The one from Jamal reads— I arrived home safely thanks for the care.🖕

I chuckle and swipe open the one from Lou— are you home yet? Getting beheaded?

I sit shirtless on my bed and reply Lou— yes to both.

He texts back immediately— you're getting beheaded? Run for your life!

I laugh and my fingers move quickly on the screen of my phone— it's not a literal beheading idiot.

And it's not a literal running for your life, dummy — he fires back and I gasp to myself.

Liar, you totally meant it.

His reply doesn't come as immediate as the others but it's doesn't take up to a minute. Fourty three seconds to be precise— okay, yeah maybe I did at first.

I shake my head at him although he can't see me — Goodnight Lou, don't smoke anymore today.

Goodnight Taylor and I won't — he replys and I throw the phone down on my bed, falling behind and looking at the ceiling.

I reach for my phone and swipe it open and there on my screen saver is my favourite picture of Sky Hunt, the one I stole from Facebook way back. I look at it, like I've done a thousand times and yet it feels like it's my first time seeing it. His wavy dark hair curls fall around his face and although it's dark in the picture, his smile still stands out. Then there's his bare chest, freckle dusted shoulder and nipple piercing. Just as the first time, seeing him smile in the picture makes me smile too no matter how sad I am.

I place my phone directly over my heart and close my eyes. The extent to which I miss him cannot be measured and I always thought missing someone is a choice until I started missing Sky. I don't even do anything and it just dawns on me with an ache in my heart. He's alive somewhere living without me. I catch myself wondering how he is now. His hair must be shorter since a part of it was shaved the last time I saw him. Is he still as pale and as tanned? Does his skin still glow? Does he still smile like he used to? I hope he doesn't always have his mask on because there's nothing to the afraid of. The real him is just as beautiful.

My breath hooks and it's then I become consciously aware that there are tears streaming down the side of my face. I can't remember, I think to myself. I can't remember if I ever told him that there really was nothing to be afraid of and that the real him is just as beautiful and I loved him just like that.

He told me though, in my words and in many actions. Closing my eyes I see him smile and smile and smile at me. I want to reach out and hold him but it's not possible and I want to beat myself up for not telling him everything I wanted to when I had the chance.

A knock on my door startles me and I get up quickly making my phone tumble to the ground.

"Israel?" It's my mum behind the door, she knocks again and I quickly wipe at my eyes knowing she is going to open it next. "Israel?"

"Ma?" I stand up just as the door opens, light from the corridor shining into my room. She looks at me and sighs.

"Why are you shirtless? Want to get sick?"

"No," I look around a bit confused. "I was changing."

She looks away, eyes wondering around my room. "Come out for your dinner, I'd heat it up for you."

On any other time I might have smiled. "But you said-"

"Boy are you coming out or not?" She interrupts me, glaring at me. "I'm being merciful."

"Thanks ma, but I'm filled up. I won't eat."

"You won't eat?" She steps inside the room. "You have no right to be mad at me boy, I was-"

I risk cutting her off, "I'm not mad, I'm really filled up."

"What did you eat?"

"Something."

"Fine suit yourself," she leaves but not before getting more words in. "Don't go to bed with a hungry stomach and wake up tomorrow looking all skinny and dying."

"I'm okay ma."

"Your food's still in the fridge," she shouts as she walks away and I shut my door.

"Goodnight." I shout after her and open back the door to leave and go to the bathroom.

After washing my face, I stare at the mirror for a while. My hair's shorter than it was when I broke the mirror last time. Before Nessa left when she visited two weeks back we both went to a hair salon and I got a hair cut. Nessa spray dyed her hair golden and the little that was left in the can was used on me at the stop of my hair.

It looked so good, my shorter hair looked golden and the bottom black. Mum didn't even say anything when she saw me, she just sighed and started singing as she walked away. I was so scared she'd kill me or come into my room at night and attack me with her slipper or worst cut out the golden parts with her scissors. Turned out the real punishment was having my heart in my throat all through and tip toeing around her being of my absolute best behavior.

That was the highest risk I've ever taken and I didn't regret it. Now the golden part was growing out but it still looked good. I might even do it again next time I'm getting a haircut.

Apart from the hair difference, I've not really changed. I am a bit taller with a little more wider shoulders but that was it. I wash my face again and leave, going back to my room. I change my school trousers for pajama trousers and I wear a big sweatshirt and carry out the red scarf hanging on the wardrobe door.

It's a woolen scarf and I got it as a Christmas present along with some hair products last year, It was from Sky. Apparently he had it prepared and ready for delivery before he had to leave. On the scarf, knitted it brown was - "EASY ISSY" It had to be my most favourite clothing in the world. I wrap the scarf around my neck, then I walk to my beside drawer and retrieve the small bottle of sleeping pills I have there.

It is almost finished and I take just two pills, swallowing it dry, returning the bottle and tucking myself into my bed.

A heavy exhale leaves me and I force my eyes to close. "Goodnight Sky."

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