• why is it that when the story ends, we begin to feel all of it? •

Chapter 8

It's been four days since I walked by Sky's former home and it's been four days since I've hard a wink of real sleep. I could feel myself dying.

"At this point, we could throw a Halloween party and Isreal wouldn't need a costume," Nile said, stabbing her meat ball with a fork and giving me a pointed look.

"Is it that bad?" I ask, chewing on my lower lip. I am done denying that I'm not doing so good when everyone, including myself could see it. I really need help or I'd be passing out in the hallway real soon.

"Yes," they all chorused.

Lou reaches for me, using his cold fingers to turn my head so he can give me a look from all angles, "I think you need to sleep, like deep long sleep."

"I've tried," I groan, dropping my head on my hands. "Believe me."

"Well, I think you need to party," Nile said and Mal who has been quiet like he was too worried about me to speak finally looks away from me, turning to her.

"Party? He doesn't look like he has the energy," he points to me, wearing a worried frown. "I suggest we all just grab him, put him down and lullaby the fuck out of him until he fucking sleeps."

We all stay quiet, all eyes on him and I blink, feeling scared with how determined he looks. It is almost laughable except, it's not. I quickly turn away from Mal's determined eyes, to Nile's choosing any other thing than lullaby with Mal. "What party?"

Nile's face lit up like she can't believe I'm actually asking that. "It's not a school party and it's a bit far from whatever you're used to."

"I'm not used to anything," I supply.

"Okay, brace yourself up," she looks at all of us doing a little drum roll with her fingers on the table. "We should go to a gay bar." The table stays silent after that and Nile blinks at us, using a finger to touch her nose. "Okay, what? It's not that bad and I know one that's not so far away."

"I have so many questions right now," Jamal says and Lou chuckles.

"A gay bar?" I finally find my voice to ask, not believing she suggested that even. "Isn't that for adults and stuff?"

Nile rolls her eyes with a smile, "oh come on Isreal. You talk like you don't know there are loopholes to everything."

"Actually he might not know that," Darcy says and I roll my eyes at her.

"Why do you know a gay bar, Nile?" Mal finally asks the question that has been heavy on his tongue.

Nile shrugs, "well, there always comes that moment when one has one or two questions about his or her sexuality, right?" She looks around and when none of us say anything, she groans. "It cannot be only me."

"I have," Lou says and when I blink at him, he blushes and gulps down a glass of water. "In fact Nile and I discovered the gay bar together, it's really good."

I shake my head a little amused, "and of course I have too."

"Me three," Mal says and we turn to look at him, Darcy too. He quickly explains, "okay, I'm straight but I mean, kissing a guy has popped into my mind once. Especially when Issy was going through his homophobic phase, I wanted to show him I was there for him."

"Even if it means kissing a guy?" Nile asks, smiling at him.

Mal nods, then winks at me. "Anything for my homie."

My jaw drops at Mal's unbelievable self and I shake my head at him, "don't wink at me, oh my God." He laughs and Nile awwns.

"Darcy latch onto your man because I'm seeing potentials," the entire table laughs and Mal and Darcy share a kiss that has me and Lou rolling our eyes. "So yay or nay to a gay bar?"

"It'll be a great idea but I personally can't go," Lou says. "I've got late swim sessions today and I need my beauty sleep."

"Yeah and I can't either," Darcy says biting nervously on her lips. "Sorry."

"It's okay babe," Jamal says to her, tapping her hand on his. "We'd just do something else."

"And that leaves two," Nile says, fixing her wide smile on me.

"Um—" I start saying but Nile cuts me off.

"Sorry Isreal but you don't get a say. You're coming."

"What?" My eyes widen. "I can't do that Nile, my parents—"

She cuts me off again just as the bell rings and we all stand up. "Yes, your parents this, your parents that. You'd just tell them you'd be home really late because you're crashing at Jamal's or the fucking library. They won't ever know where we went to, I promise."

"I don't know," I say to her after we say goodbye to the rest of our crew.

"Come on Isreal, you're like this because of Sky, isn't it?" She asks and just the mention of his name, my heart skips. "I mean you guys broke up and ended things mainly because you're too deep into the closet and closed off on the entire gay thing. And I'm not asking you to come out to the world or anything but if he was here now, what would have changed? If he came back and met you like this still, nothing would change Israel. You guys still won't get back together because you're not ready still and you can't hold out forever if you want anything to change. It takes more than telling yourself you're gay to be gay and happy.

"The least you can do right now is work on that confidence and pride of yours. To be a better person for yourself and him or any other guy you'd be with. And going to a gay bar at least gets things a little clear for you, plus it's so much fun, I swear," she finishes with a huge smile.

I let Nile's words sink in and she is right. Sky broke up with me because I couldn't be what we needed and I might know I'm gay now and know a lot more about being homosexual and stuff but then, it's all just book knowledge. It wouldn't hurt to get a little experience and see how it's done. Plus, I've really dreamt about being in a gay bar with Charlie Puth anyway. I feel a zing in my chest, one that sprung from excitement at the idea of going to a REAl gay bar.

"My mum would kill me," I say to Nile but I'm already smiling and for once my heart is beating, not out if anxiety or sadness or pain but excitement. It's been so long.

"She'd never find out and if she's going to kill you, at least it's going to be while in your element, right? No regrets." She laughs and I do too.

"Fine, gay bar it is."

Nile squeals so loud, adding a jump into it and making my eyes widen as people turn to look at us in the hallway. "My house, after school. You won't regret this Isreal Taylor."

I hope so.

*

It's not the first time I've been to Nile's house, in fact I think the amount of times I've been to Nile's house is about to surpass the amount of time I've been to Darcy's and I've been going to Darcy's my whole life. Nile's house is just as big as mine but then it's above the coffee shop and she's always the only one at home. The house is kinda divided into two, one part for her grandparents and one part for her and her mum. Her mum is never home hence the loneliness and quiet.

Nile's room is the biggest part of the house with the most amount of black colour, she's not gothic, just really into black— be it posters, shoes, cloths and the creepiest of all, pillows.

"Okay, so I've been meaning to ask," I start, throwing my bag on her twin bed with way too much pillows than is normal, and taking a seat on it. "When you questioned your sexuality, what was the answer?"

"Mm," she spins on her heel. "That I have a lot of time to figure it out. It mustn't be now or here."

"So you aren't straight?" I ask, cocking my head to the side and looking at her.

Nile shrugs, "I don't know. I mean the last person I was with was a guy who happened to be a trans person and it was really good until it went to shit. I don't know what I am but he had some feminity to himself that I loved and then he was also masculine, it's just...pfft." she shrugs again taking a seat on the the spinning chair and turning to face the mirror. "I'm definitely bi-curious though, if anything."

"Hm."

She turns to smile at me, "there's no pressure figuring out what exactly you are. Especially when trapped in this little town, there's so much more out there and all you can really do is try to live your best life while you can."

I smile, thinking back to my life a year back. If I'd had all this mindset— no, Isreal. No if's and no more regrets, I have decided to try as much as possible not to look back in regrets anymore. What happened happened and all I can do now is try to move on from it. "I felt a lot of pressure then, about figuring out what I am."

"From Sky?"

I shake my head, "no, if anything, from everywhere but Sky. Sky was nothing but patient and there for me. The pressure came from me, I was going crazy not knowing, or knowing and denying it with all my heart and mind. It was really hard Nile and looking back, apart from how hard it was, the only thing worth thinking about are my moments with Sky." I swallow, sighing and blinking out of it. I am not feeling sad though, my heart is swelling with a lot of good memories and happiness. "I'm done with it being hard."

Nile giggles, "Now that's the spirit." She turns back to the mirror and bunch of things resting on it. "So make up or no make up?"

"Make up?" I startle.

"Yeah," she smiles. "Go big or go home, right? If this is something you've ever thought of doing... I mean what better time is there to try it out. Also nail polish would look so good on you, it'll be crime. But, that's all if you want to, you totally don't have to."

I stand up and walk to the mirror, looking at all the stuff Nile has. I smile and pink a purple nail polish, "I've always wondered how I'd feel with nail polish." Nile smiles and I do too, the excitement in her eyes is intoxicating. "And what better time is there to know whether I'd like make-up or not? Plus I think you're going to murder me in my sleep if I don't offer my face for experiment." Nile squeals jumping on me and I laugh so hard it hurt.

Cue the montage including Cardi B's, Bad Bunny and J Balvin's song I Like It Like That and some nail polish, eye liner and powder and of course, glitter. Nile goes for something really light for me which I end up loving and for herself, heavy make-up. I am really loving the purple nail polish more though.

"This can wipe off right?" I ask, unable to take my eyes off my nails. If it could, I don't think my smile can.

"'Course," she eyes me. "And I have clothes you can change into."

"Your clothes?" My eyes widen and I start shaking my head no.

"Chill, boy clothes," Nile and goes and returns with a flower print button up shirt and jean trousers. "Don't ask where they came from and they are clean."

I change into it and it surprisingly fits, then against my better judgement we take pictures that turn out to be amazing and I would have really regretted it we didn't take it. Nile has on skin tight leather pants, black boots and a crop top that way too exposed than it should be. I don't say anything about it though, she looks great and it's her dressing. We eat a bag of chips, laughing as she gives me the do's and don'ts of a gay bar and also tells me of her past story. We leave by eight after I got permission from my dad to sleep out. Yes, I choose asking my dad instead of my mum because I didn't want to risk getting a no and now, I don't have to deal with her.

The gay bar happened to be on the outskirts of town and it looked like something that hasn't been around for so long. The name BarriCade is glowing above it in lemon green neon light. We stop in front of it and I look at the place, taking a deep breath. There's a long line of boys and girls in front of it and a large guy looking at their ID's before letting them in.

"Are we really going in there?" I ask, my feet bouncing a bit under me.

"Yeah, so who do you want to be, Amos or Alexander?" Nile asks, showing me two cards with black guys on it.

"Should I even ask why you have these?" I ask, looking at the both cards and going with the one that has his skin tone close to mine. I couldn't even see what the guy looked like completely but I think that's the aim and according to it, I'm 20 years old.

"Nope."

"I don't look twenty and what am I supposed to say when he ask why the card looks battered?"

"You look twenty, why do you think I suggested makeup?" She smiles. "And he won't ask that, he he does, just shrug, smile and say 'bus stress'."

"Bus stress?"

"Yeah, or just laugh and say 'little siblings, you know how they are'."

"Nile—" I don't finish what I want to say before she drags me off and we're in the line already.

"Isreal just promise me you'd have fun and at least kiss one guy," Nile pouts at me.

"Kiss?" I start shaking my head.

"What are you afraid of? It's not like you're in a relationship or anyone would know it's you, you'd be kissing a stranger you might never meet again in your life."

I gulp thinking about it and just because I know Nile wouldn't leave me be until I say something, I answer, "Fine, I'd try my best to have fun."

"Great," she giggles, bouncing on her feet. "This would be a night you'd never forget."

The line is moving fast and it's with the same pace my anxiety and nerve are creeping up to the surface. I've always wanted to do this, be free and live in 'my element' as they say. I don't know if a bar is my thing but I know everybody in there is going to be like me and they won't judge or curse or haunt me, I can have this one night. Right?

I hand my card over to the bouncer when our turn reaches, he gives me and the card one look and then at Nile, she bats her lashes at him and he narrows his eyes at us before letting us go through. I sigh in relief, laughing with Nile as we walk in through the doors.

Whatever I imagined a gay bar to be like, imagination and actually living it turn out to be very different things.

"Oh my..."

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